The child, a girl, is running ahead; she has a tiny face, long, thin arms and legs—in all, she makes you think of a puppy that you know will grow into a big graceful dog. It’s hard not to notice her bright, wide-open eyes and the almost unnaturally long lashes. Those eyes make her look a bit unreal, like an elf. She’s got a skateboard under her arm, even though it’s the middle of winter and the snow has just fallen. She gets to the elevator, which luckily has stopped precisely at that floor, and she waits—her parents are saying good-bye to someone, repeating the same farewells yet again: very best wishes, love and good health, yes, especially good health.
There’s a passageway downstairs—the girl takes advantage of it to have a go on the skateboard. Just a few seconds, but it’s enough: the child’s joy is absolute, it lacks nothing.
"Put your hat on," her mother tells her before they go outside.
The hat is light blue with a big pom-pom. The girl’s little face almost disappears underneath it, only her shining elfish eyes are visible.
"So winter has come," the child says with satisfaction, as though she’d won a bet.
A fine snow is still falling; in the street light it looks like silver dust. The man bends back the wipers and sweeps off a downy layer from the rear window with the edge of his hand. The woman stands motionless for a moment. She remembers the winters of her childhood—and that same joy which her daughter is feeling now. What separates adults from happiness, she thinks, is memory, which is by definition tied up with things that used to be but are no longer.
The little girl clambers into the child-seat at the front, the mother sits in the back, the father starts the engine and, very slowly, moves off. The snow is fresh, untouched, just like the Arctic used to be, or the tops of mountains and bottom of the ocean. The trees look like intricate sculptures; the city, transformed, pretends it can’t remember a thing. The mood of the winter night stirs even the adults; the father begins to sing a carol, but he can’t remember the words so he and his daughter make up their own. The main point of their antics is to amuse the mother, which sometimes succeeds and sometimes not—this time, it does. When they’ve run out of ideas, they put on some music—they chance on Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide and try singing all together. Life may be short, but all the same these festive moments do happen such that you might almost— you’d like to think they were immortal.
They drive out of the housing development onto the main road, there isn’t much traffic about.
"It might be slippery," says the woman from the back seat.
Fortunately, they don’t have far to go. The man glances in the rearview mirror; their eyes meet for a moment. Those elfish eyes—the child gets them from him. The woman smiles and takes off her glove, perhaps she means to ruffle his hair, but at that moment, briefer than any intention, the man brakes violently and the woman hits her face against the back of his seat.
"What’s going on?"
The man doesn’t answer. He veers left to overtake the silver BMW that nearly caused an accident barely a second ago, but the BMW speeds up and, without signaling, crosses into their lane and brakes. The woman looks at the little girl and sees that her fear is as absolute as her joy was before. They turn right, someone’s honking their horn; the BMW draws up beside them and slowly begins to push into their lane, forcing them onto the verge.
"I’m calling the police," says the woman.
"Yes," says her husband and brakes again, then tries again to overtake the BMW.
The woman taps out the number. The operator answers. The BMW speeds up sharply and drives right under their wheels. This time it halts slanted across the road and there’s no way out, they have to stop. The woman is explaining to the operator where they are: by some miracle she manages to remember the name of the street. She’s shouting because a man—well, a boy, really— dressed in black has gotten out of the BMW, he lunges at the driver’s door and yanks the handle. The operator is shouting at the woman to wait, they’re sending a patrol car. The woman shouts into the handset. An automatic voice answers: "Please wait, please wait, please wait." The boy is banging his fist against the window.
"Open up, fuckers, open up," he’s yelling.
"Don’t open it," says the woman because she realizes there are more of them over there; girls, too.
"Fuck you, dickhead, you cut right in front of me!" the boy yells.
In the rearview mirror, the woman sees the face of this man, her husband, changing.
"Don’t open it," she begs.
She’s sure that the guy’s going to smash the window when suddenly, brakes screeching, they lurch backward. They hear a horn and another car passes them at full speed. The woman holds out her phone, shows the boy, and mouths "Police" through the window at him, like a fish in a tank. The boy runs to his car. "Please wait, please wait, please wait," repeats the automatic voice in the handset. The woman hangs up. They manage to overtake the BMW. They mount the pavement, land on the road right at the red light, and drive straight through; another horn sounds, but a moment later they’re alone on the road—and it’s over.
"Can you see them?" the woman asks.
"They’re back at the lights," the man answers in a colorless voice.
The child sits with wide-open eyes, motionless, clutching the skateboard.
Two more cars overtake them, neither is the Beemer. The phone rings—it’s the woman from the police switchboard.
"Is everything all right?"
"We got away," said the woman, sensing that any minute now she’ll burst into tears.
"A-ha. So everything’s all right?" the operator double-checks.
Yes, everything is fine.
"I’ll call off the patrol," declares the operator and hangs up.
They park in front of their apartment, take their things out of the trunk. The woman tries to catch the man’s eye, but he’s not going to look at anyone right now, he’s shuttered tight. The woman puts her arm around the child. And only then does the child cry. She cries like she can’t have cried since she was a baby, she’s sobbing so hard that she can’t even catch her breath at moments. Her mother comforts her, tries to turn it into a joke. They go upstairs slowly. Finally the woman manages to make the child laugh, she says how proud she is of her father and how some people only know how to shout "fuck" and "dick," probably no one has ever taught them any better. They go inside, the father still in his coat, unpack their things, the mother runs a bath for the child.
The little girl is in the bath and the woman stands under the ventilation hood in the kitchen, smoking. Outside, the snow is falling thick and heavy, the world is blurring, the city is losing its contours. Slowly, the woman blows out a great cloud of smoke. Snowflakes in every shade of white fill the window like enlarged pixels. What is it that’s devouring us? the woman wonders. And she thinks that what separates adults from happiness are things that were not there before, but now they are and demand our attention. The man, still in his coat, switches on the Christmas tree lights. A colorful multitude of little reflections appear in the windowpane.
© Julia Fiedorczuk. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Anna Zaranko. All rights reserved.
The story is set in Lviv, Ukraine—formerly Soviet Lvov, and until 1946 Polish Lwów. In this chapter it is still Soviet Lvov, where the narrator lives with her grandmother (whom she calls Aba), her great-grandmother, and her opera-singer mother, Marianna—until Marianna, as a leader of the Ukrainian independence movement, is shot dead during a public rally in 1988.
Every evening Great-Granma locked the front door according to her own elaborate ritual, as if she believed she could protect us from uninvited guests, the same as the ones who had called at her home in 1937, taking her husband away with them forever. She never went back to that story, though Aba regularly reminded us of it: “That evening they rang the doorbell. Papa said it was a mistake and he’d be right back, kissed me good-bye, and left with the strangers. I never saw him again.”
It happened in Leningrad, where Aba and Great-Granma were living before the war. It’s no surprise that at an early age I developed fears of an unexpected ring at the door.
And so Great-Granma always checked first to make sure the outside door, painted in a dark color, was securely slammed shut, then she turned the key in the lock twice, hung up a solid metal chain and sealed it with another, white door, which she locked too, but with a different key. This arrangement couldn’t be opened from the outside, which used to annoy Mama, who liked to come home late, and either had to wake the entire household, or have Great-Granma stay up for hours, waiting for her return.
Each of us had her own set of keys: the long thin one sang falsetto and opened the dark door; the short one with an unusual rounded end sighed in a bass tone and dealt with the downstairs gate; the flat, modern one fitted the letter box and was plainly incapable of producing any sound at all. Only Great-Granma had a key to the white door, and nobody knew where she kept it in the daytime.
This door caused me dreadful anguish. Double-locked, chained and bolted, it aggravated my sense of insecurity, as if I were inside a besieged fortress, and if only single-locked it scattered seeds of danger, seeming to expose us to the invasion of strangers with the power to destroy our world.
The dark, outer door was lightweight. I was capable of giving it a violent slam to express my daily, quite understandable emotions—I’d be furious with Aba when she told me to dress up warmer before leaving the house. The dark door had a “Judas trap” in it—a round peephole made of plain glass, covered on the inside with a small piece of threadbare fabric. Great-Granma perceived dangers in it as well—first, as soon as the little curtain was raised, the person on the other side would notice that he was being watched, or would know there was someone at home, and second, as Great-Granma saw it, he had the chance to attack through the peephole.
“First just make a tiny chink, to be sure if it’s a strange man or one of ours,” she taught me. “A strange man might shove a metal rod through the glass and you’ll end up losing an eye!”
The stranger was always male.
If someone buzzed our intercom, we had to run out onto the balcony and look to see who was at the main front door, and if it was someone unfamiliar, we had to shout: “Who do you want?”
It was an intimidation strategy—the person down in the street didn’t immediately realize where the voice was coming from, and in bewilderment, staring like a blind man, would start looking for the questioner. Being a floor higher up gave us an advantage, enabling us to repel the attack by saying: “There’s no one here by that name!”
There were frequent mistakes, which caused Aba and Great-Granma immense distress. Suppose a man came along looking for somebody called Pavel Ivanovich Petrov. Nothing out of the ordinary, but at once you could hear the tension in their voices. They’d spend ages wondering who the stranger might be and what it all portended—nothing good, of course.
We lived right in the city center, and quite often someone would start banging on our door at night. The bell ringing unexpectedly, when we were already in bed, was as thunderous as the trumpets of angels heralding Judgment Day, and cut off the soft domestic past from the violent present like a knife—it could be them, and they had absolute power over people, free rein to do anything at all to them—kidnap them, kill or torture them. The servants of darkness were bound to be dressed in black.
The white, night-time door was doleful, imbued with melancholy. It moved heavily on its hinges, gave out a dull noise, and had no peephole, and the long key was difficult to turn in the lock. If I got up in the middle of the night and saw that the white door was shut, I was seized with a sense of despair and claustrophobia. Its uniform surface made me think of the Russian word glukhoman’, meaning “wilderness"—the white door embodied remote, boundless Siberia, long transports of convicts, an endless snowy plain, and the clank of manacles.
As I have said, between the dark door and the light one there was also a chain. During the day it served to ventilate our pitiful, windowless kitchen. Thanks to the chain a chink appeared that let through noises and air, but not people: the perfect illustration of a state of limbo, an unsettling sense of being at the same time here and there. I would seek opportunities to put an end to this uncertainty, so I’d open the door wide, ostensibly to give the kitchen a thorough airing, or I’d shut it on the excuse that it was cold. What a delight it was to open or close the door at will, what a sweet illusion of power! Whenever I opened it, the mirror hanging in the hall would reflect the stained-glass window on the stairwell, and instead of boiled carrots the kitchen would start to smell of a forest; and then when I closed it, in seconds my childish faith that here at home we were safe returned.
Great-Granma didn’t trust the chain. Whenever it was stretched between the door and the outside world, she would say we had to listen out, in case someone came up and tried to chop it in two with wire cutters.
And indeed, sometimes rapid footsteps were heard on the stairs and a figure would appear on the other side—two supple fingers would slide into the chink, turning every which way in search of the blocked end of the chain, one would go tense to grab hold of it, while I, instead of reaching out a hand and helping from the inside, would lend support passively; when further grappling ensued, as the fingers fought with the metal, I’d be dancing on the spot with emotion, until the knot was finally untied: the fingers would flick off the metal bonds, the subdued chain would strike against the wood, the door would open wide and in would burst a goddess—airy, noisy, lively Mama.
The door-locking rituals were repeated for years on end without change, but the more the Soviet Union shook in its foundations, the more heart Great-Granma put into them. Although she never said it aloud, I suspect she was no supporter of the Soviet regime, but nor was she a fan of those who wanted it overthrown. Most likely she was one of those people who only perceive the specific nature of the system in which they happen to live when it starts to peep in at the windows of their homes. The one that had appeared in 1937 had marked her for life. So the more often the people came out onto the streets of Lvov to campaign for independence, and the louder they spoke about things that had once been wreathed in silence, the more strenuously she made sure our front door was securely locked at night.
When about a year before her death Mama suddenly changed her language from Russian to Ukrainian, the rite of locking up was enriched by a new element. Once she had completed the usual ceremony, Great-Granma propped a wicker basket full of dirty laundry against the door, and from the next day she went on doing it for good. That was also when she started talking more and more about “Bandera’s men,” as she dubbed any Ukrainian patriots. Whenever we were left alone together, she’d tell me how the train carriage in which she’d been traveling to Lvov—then Polish Lwów—in 1944 had been strafed by them and that she feared them very much—almost as much as the Germans. Now she felt the same way: once again they were trying to get at her carriage, and whenever she leaned out of the window she saw her own granddaughter—my Mama—leading them. That girl, to whom she hadn’t spoken for years on end. That girl, who had defied her to become a singer, and was now defying her ideas about life by fighting for an independent Ukraine. So the dirty laundry basket became another tier in the barricade that for years they had been erecting between each other.
That was also when Great-Granma adopted the habit of intimidating me through language. She’d be waiting in the hall, barring my passage with her own body.
“Don’t go talking out loud in Russian!” she’d warn. “Before you know it, they’ll haul you into a deserted yard and torture you!”
The next time she asked if I knew the Ukrainian epic poem Testament by heart.
“They catch women and children, drag them to a quiet spot and order them to recite it from memory. If you get it wrong, they’ll rape and torture you.”
I wasn’t afraid; I simply couldn’t imagine being lectured in the street about my knowledge of literature, and I didn’t believe that poetry could be combined with violence.
On the evening of that day when Mama’s body was brought home wrapped in the blue-and-yellow flag, Great-Granma neglected her ritual of securing the front door—it wasn’t even properly slammed shut. This was an expression of capitulation: Great-Granma had tried so hard, yet once again they had come and destroyed her world. Mama was laid on the table in the central room, and long candles were lit on either side of her. The melted wax left bright marks on the oak parquet. A long time after, I found out that Aba had had to buy off several decision-makers to stop them from doing an autopsy and keeping the body at the mortuary; she had managed it thanks to her connections in the medical world—she had once been an admired doctor.
Even so, she was surprised by the lack of KGB intervention. It might have seemed that now they were taking care to erase, falsify, or hush up the death of which they were guilty. That shot seemed ludicrous in every regard: not only had it missed its target, but for Lvov it had thundered like a bell bidding the remains of the undecided to come out onto the streets. Mama could have had no greater wish (though not so Aba, Great-Granma, or I). In the first days after the shot was fired everyone talked about the circumstances of her death: about the illegal demonstration around Klumba—the square also known as Lvov’s Hyde Park Corner—at which free elections were demanded; and about the sniper lurking on the roof of a nearby house, site of the grand Viennese Café before the war. People reckoned the sniper had been ordered to fire at the dissident, Chornovil, but Marianna had been moving about so energetically on the bed of the truck that she had shielded him. A pneumatic weapon was used, so nobody had heard a bang, but at the sight of the bloodstain blossoming on the singer’s beige dress some of the people had taken to their heels. Chornovil had continued the rally. He was reconciled to death—not in the sense of inner indifference to it, but indomitable courage trained into him by many years in the camps—in his case, his former fellow prisoners called his resilience “pathological." A doctor had come forward from the crowd, Chornovil had entrusted Marianna to his care and carried on with the rally. Efforts were made to shield him, or even to drag him off the truck by force. But no more shots were fired—to this day nobody knows why not. Either way, on that day Chornovil received as a gift from Mama an extra eleven years of life. I’m sure he must have remembered that in 1999, at the moment when his car was hit by a truck on the Boryspil highway.
Others remembered too, but not for long. In the first few days people talked and shouted, called and came to see us—it aggravated me so much that I felt hardened by a mixture of fury and helplessness, and for many years, whenever I saw liquid icicles of wax dripping onto the floor, that state came back to me. Contrary to the tradition that called for burial on the third day after death, arrangements were made for the funeral to be held next day, and—miraculously—nobody stood in Aba’s way when she tried to get a place in Lychakov Cemetery, Lvov’s foremost necropolis. In fact, in the 1980s there was no ban on burying the dead there yet, but you had to have a number of special permits, which Aba managed to obtain at lightning speed. True, the demonstration which the funeral became was brutally dispersed; true, they had been to see the director of the Opera to badger him with questions about Marianna; true, in the months that followed someone kept removing the thick layer of imitation flowers that coated the grave afresh each day. I was actually pleased about this last intervention—the blanket of plastic daffodils disgusted me, and seemed to separate me even further from Mama. Later on they stopped bothering with it, and the flowers were stuck to the gravestone for good. Autumn covered them with a blanket of leaves.
From the first day Aba waited for a summons to that place. Later she told me she had imagined just such a visit tens of thousands of times. She had assimilated the idea from early childhood: when she was a child of seven living in Leningrad, they had murdered her father, and when she was almost sixty and living in Lvov, they had killed her daughter. Between the first and the second incident she had never stopped hating them, and more or less openly expressing the fact as well. In 1944, when she had ended up in this city, she had decided to become a one-woman resistance movement—she made leaflets saying that Stalin was a criminal and dropped them through people’s letterboxes. I’m still at a loss to know why she never ran into repression for this act—I have no explanation apart from the special care of a guardian angel. She only paid one visit to that building on Dzierzhynsky Street, soon after Stalin’s death: she had been hounding them with official inquiries about her father’s fate. On the way there, she had removed the hatred from her face, coated it like a canvas in a new primer, and painted on a different expression—purely to extract any information at all from them. There she was received by a major with a cynical smirk. He was holding her father’s file—despite her requests it wasn’t put into her hands. Enigmatically he had announced that her father had died somewhere in the North. He had also added that from now on she needn’t carry the stigma of the daughter of an enemy of the people—the victims of Stalin’s terror had been rehabilitated. She still knew neither the date nor the place of her father’s death—they took great care to ensure that people spent years living in the shadow of their as if half-killed relatives.
It was all completely different in Mama’s case: her death was sucked into a void, it fell into a crack between eras. This time Aba wasn’t summoned anywhere—suddenly they had other things on their minds. . . .
In the first years after the shot Great-Granma stopped bothering with the ritual door-locking. We would go to bed without extra protection, which brought me a degree of relief: the worst had already happened, so we could take a break from being afraid. After some time it all began again: the dark door, the chain, the light door. Perhaps she did it for my sake. Though in fact she no longer moved the basket into place. The mouldering wicker basket for dirty clothes had so many holes by now that it couldn’t be shifted to and fro—it would have been sure to fall apart.
From The House with the Stained-Glass Window, to be published by MacLehose Press in September 2017 © Żanna Słoniowska, 2016. Translation © 2017 by Antonia Lloyd-Jones. Reproduced by permission of MacLehose Press, an imprint of Quercus Books.
I remember the colors. I remember the textures, patterns and shapes—somewhere in between sight and touch. One fat stripe and two thin ones, stretching into infinity. A carpet? A sofa? All a bit rough, and possibly green. The baby bath was green, too. The bathroom floor was various colors, but mostly green. The dominant color. Was it really, or just in my memory?
I’ve seen the baby bath in a dozen photographs, though only black and white ones. And yet I know it was green, so this must be a real childhood memory. All I remember is what isn’t in the photos. The reason I can still see the colors is that the photos, being black and white, haven’t robbed me of them. Everything else is lost, blanketed in white noise, blurred, distorted. Layer upon layer of paint makes it impossible to dig down to the original. Documenting kills memory. You record, and you forget. All you need to do is take a picture.
The mere attempt to bring anything back to mind creates another veil, for even if the effort comes off more or less, it forestalls any possibility of repeated success. I remember one bit and tack on the rest, drawing on guesswork, clichés, banalities, commonplaces—general knowledge. But the next time I try to recall the same thing, my most vivid memory will be the latest material—in other words the confabulated part. Whatever I’ve invented will seem the most vivid, convincing, and true. I’ll be remembering the memory, instead of the actual experience—I’ll be translating a translation, copying a copy, making a negative of a negative. But it’s not just that: I will also feel intense pleasure dwelling on the very element that isn’t true, and in the process move away from the actual memory. And even if some small part of my reconstruction is real, it’s this element that’s bound to lose the Darwinian battle against fabrication—it’s the one that’ll be forgotten first.
So when a spark suddenly bursts into flame among the ashes of oblivion, it’s wrong to shield it carefully, because that’s the way to stifle it for good and all. When some memory appears at the far end of your hippocampus, and you feel that just one moment of concentration will be enough to bring it to the surface—that’s just when you should avoid concentrating. Perhaps it’ll surface of its own accord, in one form or another— but you mustn’t work on it consciously, as the slightest mental effort will open the gate for a fog of invention.
But my baby bath was definitely green. The one I bought for him is blue. Our carpet is blue, too. Future harmonies are already coming into being, not much different from mine. A theme with subtle variations, but still in the same system of major and minor keys. And yet he might not remember any colors at all, since the photos are in color now. We have photos, we have films—which means he won’t remember a thing. Maybe certain smells? Tastes? Movement perhaps?
I remember walking along. I’m holding my mother’s hand and we’re going somewhere, but where? Is this a single memory, one specific outing, or rather countless walks blended into one Platonic expedition? We must have done a lot of walking, as there wasn’t much else in the way of entertainment back then. Walking is for free. We walk a lot now too, that’s to say he and I do. And those strolls with my mother have only started to resurface now that I’m out walking again—only this time I’m walking on top, hands reversed.
For over twenty years I had no memories of that period at all, and only now are some things starting to come back to me. I think what matters most is the repetition of a setting—a park, a zoo, a playground, even a tram or bus. Then the images come back: I used to walk like that, too; I used to travel like that. I used to walk with my mother just as he’s walking with me now.
* * *
But as for those playgrounds, I never liked them. Each of the most popular pieces of equipment has some unpleasant association for me. A swing in the teeth, a carousel in the back of the head, a fall from the slide . . . I think it was only on the climbing frame that I didn’t hurt myself. A life trajectory typical for those days. Hard design—all my friends had their faces scarred by low brick walls, edges and corners. I had no scars, not even after that swing. Somehow my mother managed to keep an eye on me—but that’s another matter.
Nowadays the playgrounds are of a very different standard. Everything’s made of wood, soft—rubber flooring. Nice, unscratched colors. But the mechanics of the playground, its philosophy, remain unchanged. In general, it’s all about repetitive motion—spinning, swinging, bouncing. The physiological purpose is to upset the labyrinth. They’re too young for the hard stuff, but they have to addle their brains somehow. They swing until they pass out, throw up, or go blank.
He’s not too keen on playgrounds, either—despite the padded surfaces and the colors that subliminally and atavistically tickle the thalamus, hypothalamus, and the limbic system. He’s not into playgrounds—he’s into dinosaurs. The only way to get him to go is to trick him, to tell him he could climb the brachiosaurus, for instance.
Dinosaurs are important. They’re a fundamental part of the psychological equipment of every child of preschool age. Dinosaurs are the skeleton key that allows them to let out all their Freudian demons, while at the same time keeping them on a lead made of strong rope. They’re scary but funny, aggressive but friendly. Dangerous, but not dangerous. Better than Hansel and Gretel and their crematorium oven.
The dinosaurs have died out. This is the way to deal with death (because death isn’t visible anywhere else; death itself is an extinct dinosaur). Learn about love through bees, and about death through dinosaurs. Grandpa died—like the dinosaurs—perhaps he was hit by a meteor, or perhaps an ice age got him. We don’t know, and that’s the best. When it comes to death, there is no knowledge, we have to make do with hypotheses.
In my day there were no dinosaurs. I wonder how people explained death to children. Probably through ovens.
* * *
“We’re all dinosaurs,” he says. “We’re a dinosaur family.”
“So who are you?” I ask.
“I’m . . . a Gallimimus.”
“And who am I?”
“A T. Rex.”
“Oh, thank you! And Mummy?”
“Mummy’s . . . a Stegosaurus.”
“Great. Listen, Tiger . . .”
“Gallimimus!” he corrects me.
“Oh yes, of course. Listen, Gallimimus, are we going to the park, to the playground?”
“I don’t want to go to the park.”
“Oh come on, how about climbing that big castle . . .”
“That’s it, the Apatosaurus. Or the Diplodocus.”
“What else can Gallimimuses climb?” he asks.
“Maybe the Brontosaurus.”
“Brontosaurus is the same as Apatosaurus.”
“And is Brachiosaurus the same, too?”
“No, that’s a different one.”
“But it’s got a long neck too?” I ask.
“Yes. Can you climb it?”
“I’m sure a Gallimimus can.”
“But T. Rexes are too big . . . ”
“Well, I’m not planning to climb it,” I say. “Come on, Gallimimus, you’re going to climb the Apatosaurus and the Diplodocus and the Brachiosaurus. And maybe we’ll see Zosia again today.”
“It’s not Zosia—it’s Triceratops."
“Cool—we’ll tell her.”
“She knows. Triceratopses know they’re Triceratopses.”
“And what about Zosia’s mom—what kind of dinosaur is she?”
“She’s not a dinosaur.”
“What is she?” I venture.
“Eeeh . . . a Pterodactyl!”
“And Pterodactyls aren’t dinosaurs?”
“ No, because dinosaurs can’t fly, and Pterodactyls can.”
“Could,” I say.
* * *
You’re not going to read Spinoza. Triceratopses know they’re triceratopses—there, that could almost be Spinoza. It must do. You’re not going to read anything, watch anything, go anywhere, you’re not going to have a conversation or take any opportunities. For a few years you’ll cease to exist. Though usually it is she who ceases to exist, not you, and only in a few rare cases (when she makes more money than you do, when she’s the one who makes any money at all) does it fall to you.
You land up on the side track. In terms of intellect, you run aground in the shallows of hygiene and toilet. Your full-time job is to supervise someone else’s digestive system—later on there’ll be other systems, too, but this one always dominates—and gradually you yourself turn into a digestive system. What will he eat, where will he do his number two, what will I eat, what will she eat. A simple transferral. It would be easier to throw the next jar of baby food straight down the toilet.
You also start to function as a thermostat. Is it too cold, is it too hot? Take off, put on, do up, undo, untie, tie up—with a spare set of clothing in your rucksack. And suddenly you, too, are always either too cold or too hot; you’re the one who doesn’t know how to dress himself, even though two or three years ago you always felt just fine.
Nothing but dramatic decisions all the time. Banana or yogurt? Sneakers or sandals? And at the end of each day the main question: what are you to do with this freedom, what’s the best way to invest your limited share of it? Two or three hours—and nothing but alternatives, no overlapping. Either read or watch, either go out or catch up on sleep, either exercise or eat. Or talk—but that’s never what you choose, because it would be a waste of your carefully allotted airtime to have both of you doing the same thing at the same time.
And this is the reason, this is what it’s all about, it’s not about sex at all—that you can still squeeze in somewhere now and then—but to have a good talk, especially one where you speak, where you tell her something without feeling how pathetic you are—that’s something you don’t get at home. That’s something you get by the sandpit.
That’s where your indivisible kingdom lies. Your onanistic fantasy of yore has come true: you are the only male of reproductive age who has survived a nuclear disaster. Sometimes a grandpa turns up, but never a dad. There are plenty of grandmas, but mostly it’s herds of mothers stretching as far as the eye can see. The mothers usually form little troops, but there are also the ones who sit apart, by themselves, being neither exhibitors nor clients at this pitiful stock exchange of good advice. These ones are usually a little less of a mess and a little more frustrated—they don’t seem fully in agreement with all this. You sit down nearby, you switch into “Irony and Distance” mode—so this is what we’ve come to—and the rest happens pretty much automatically. The next day she’s changed out of her tracksuit and the children have become good friends—let them practice their social skills.
And suddenly you realize that every aspect of your life is completely withered, apart from this one, which is blossoming as never before. Suddenly you’re the Casanova of the student canteen again, suddenly it turns out that thanks to a two-year-old everyone takes a spontaneous liking to you. That’s because a child does a man a service, both softening and sharpening his image at the same time. You become more manly, but also a bit more approachable. A family-friendly savage, a domesticated beast, testosterone in a stylish ampoule.
A woman, on the contrary, has nothing to gain from a child—here’s a sandbox paradox for you. Her image doesn’t just soften, but turns to mush. They’re all falling apart completely, suddenly the neediness of their entire lives comes to the surface, suddenly they’re ready to run after you for any old scrap of meat. Right now they feel highly unattractive (although in reality they’re probably just as unattractive as before pregnancy, before our era). After all, the standard is average, of course, sometimes average plus, but by now you’re perfectly happy with that, because in spite of the obvious differences in outward appearance, the mechanisms are the same—you, too, have various stretch marks to show, or rather not to show.
So from March to October you reign away on the playgrounds, after which the party continues indoors, and you meet someone called, for example, Zosia’s mom (in these circles one is always somebody’s mom or dad—personal names are only used much later, if at all) in the ladies’ toilet, since they don’t have baby changing facilities or potty seats in the men’s. You make some awkward comment (such as “ladies first,” as if addressing Zosia) and you lend her some wet wipes. Or you borrow them from her—the effect will be even better.
“We’ll synchronize their naps,” you say a few weeks later, and she agrees easily and without demur, because in the meantime, sex has become another hygiene-and-toilet activity that needs efficient organization and execution (the wet wipes come in very handy).
She agrees (and actually torments that child of hers by rescheduling its naps), even though two or three years ago she would never have agreed. She would never have agreed if she didn’t have a child and, most importantly, if you didn’t have a child, because after all you’re a random guy from a park, but now you’re also Gallimimus’s dad, so you’re probably not going to stab her with a knife, and though you might come without flowers and wine, you do bring wipes. Also, she is Zosia’s mom and, by implication, Zosia’s dad’s wife, so she’s not going to call you after 5 p.m. or want to spend Christmas with you. Or to have a baby.
It’s all based on equilibrium, meaning that if her husband dumps her you will immediately dump her, too. Please refrain from crying. Enjoy it while it lasts. And the child also benefits—at least it gets to see a man now and then before 5 p.m. It’s good to have role models.
* * *
“Stop it,” I say. “Not here.”
“Chill out. They can’t see us, they’ve got their backs toward us.”
The season is almost over. The last dregs of August. Pre-school starts in September. Zosia isn’t going for another year, maybe two. My sympathies to everyone concerned.
“What if they turn around?” I ask.
“Well, that’ll be a real tragedy. She’ll help her mom fill out the divorce papers.”
“He understands more than you’d think.”
“Even if he sees something, he won’t remember. I read that our first memories are formed at age four or five at the earliest.”
“Well then, perhaps he won’t remember twenty years from now, but in three hours he will!”
“What’s the matter with you today?”
“What did you expect?” I ask. “You want me to make you lean against the swing and stick it into you right here?”
“Well, as far as I recall, once it did nearly come to that.”
That did nearly happen, she’s right. But that was another epoch—prams and naps. Zosia still has naps. We’ve fallen out of sync.
“How did he get up there?!” I ask.
“Tyrannosaurus!” he screams. “Get me down!”
I run up to him, reach out and lift him off the climbing frame—and that’s when the memory comes back. It’s all a bit confused, I don’t know what came before and what after, I don’t know what I remember for real and what I’m just tacking on.
I’m three years old. I’m up on the same kind of climbing frame—so after all the climbing frame, too, is linked with a traumatic memory. I’m screaming something. (“Get me down?” I’m probably inserting that now.) My mother is somewhere far off. My mother is furious—right now, or only later on? A strange man comes running up to me. It’s definitely not my father—it’s man with a mustache. Yes, he has a mustache, and a wide, unnatural smile, he looks like George Harrison on the cover of Let It Be. (My mother always used to say George was the most handsome of the four.) He reaches out toward me. Does he hug me? Stroke me? Kiss me? My mother comes unglued from the background and dashes toward us. She’s clearly furious—at me or at him, I don’t know.
“My son, my baby boy,” says Harrison (almost for certain).
* * *
“Listen, Gallimimus, we don’t need to tell Stegosaurus that we saw Triceratops and Pterodactyl again, OK?”
“It’ll be our little secret,” I say (literally). “Deal?”
“How about we go to a different playground tomorrow?”
“Best we simply forget about them.”
© Maciej Milkowski. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Tul'si Bhambry. All rights reserved.
Pamiętam kolory. Pamiętam faktury, wzory i kształty – coś pomiędzy wzrokiem a dotykiem. Jeden pasek gruby, dwa cienkie: tak w nieskończoność. Dywan? Kanapa? Wszystko dość szorstkie i chyba zielone. Wanienka też była zielona. Podłoga w łazience wielokolorowa, ale z przewagą zielonego. Dominujący kolor. Ciekawe, czy dominujący rzeczywiście, czy tylko we wspomnieniach.
Wanienkę widziałem na kilkunastu fotografiach, ale wyłącznie czarno-białych, a ja wiem, że wanienka była zielona, więc muszę to pamiętać naprawdę. Pamiętam tylko to, czego nie ma na zdjęciach. Pamiętam kolory, właśnie dlatego że zdjęcia są czarno-białe i mi tych kolorów nie odebrały. Wszystko inne jest stracone, pokryte szumem, zamazane, zakłamane. Złogi po kolejnych renowacjach uniemożliwiają dokopanie się do oryginału. Dokumentacja zabija pamięć. Zapisz i zapomnij. Zrób zdjęcie.
Już sama próba przypominania sobie czegokolwiek tworzy kolejną przesłonę, bo nawet jeśli zakończy się częściowym sukcesem, to praktycznie uniemożliwi sukcesy powtórne. Przypomnę sobie jakiś fragment, resztę dokleję, korzystając z domysłów, klisz, banałów, komunałów – wiedzy ogólnej. A przy kolejnym przypominaniu najżywiej będę pamiętał materiał najświeższy – czyli właśnie tę część skonfabulowaną. To, co teraz zmyślę, wyda mi się najżywsze, najbardziej przekonujące, prawdziwe. Nie tylko więc będę wspominał wspomnienie, a nie rzeczywiste przeżycie – czyli tłumaczył tłumaczenie, kopiował kopię, robił negatyw z negatywu – ale również z najgorliwszą lubością będę rozpamiętywał właśnie to, co nieprawdziwe, a tym samym odsuwał się od rzeczywistego wspomnienia. Jeżeli nawet jakaś mała część mojego odtworzenia będzie prawdziwa, to ten właśnie element nieuchronnie przegra darwinowską walkę ze zmyśleniem – ten właśnie zostanie najrychlej zapomniany.
Kiedy więc w popiele niepamięci rozpala się na moment jakaś iskierka, to nie wolno jej troskliwie okrywać, bo w ten sposób natychmiast się ją nieodwołalnie zadusi. Kiedy na końcu hipokampa pojawia się jakieś wspomnienie – i wydaje się, że jedna chwila skupienia wystarczy, by je wydobyć na powierzchnię – wtedy właśnie trzeba skupienia unikać. Być może jeszcze kiedyś wypłynie samo, w takiej czy innej całości – ale nie wolno nad nim pracować świadomie, bo każdy wysiłek umysłowy otwiera furtkę dla pokrywczych zmyśleń.
Ale wanienka była zielona z całą pewnością. Jemu kupiłem niebieską. Dywan też mamy niebieski. Już się tworzą przyszłe harmonie, niewiele różniące się od moich. Temat z drobnymi wariacjami, ale nadal w ramach tego samego systemu dur-moll. Chociaż on może wcale nie będzie pamiętał kolorów, bo zdjęcia już są kolorowe. Są zdjęcia, są filmy – czyli nic nie będzie pamiętał. Może jakieś zapachy? Smaki? Może ruch?
Ja pamiętam, jak idę. Trzymam matkę za rękę i dokądś idziemy, ale dokąd? Czy to jest jedno wspomnienie, jakiś konkretny marsz, czy raczej niezliczone spacery zlane w pojedynczą platońską wędrówkę? Chodzić musieliśmy dużo, bo innych rozrywek wówczas raczej nie było. Chodzenie jest za darmo. Teraz też dużo chodzimy, to znaczy ja z nim. Zresztą tamte spacery z matką zaczęły mi się przypominać dopiero teraz, kiedy znowu chodzę – tylko tym razem na górze, po drugiej stronie ręki.
Przez ponad dwadzieścia lat w ogóle nic z tamtego okresu nie pamiętałem i dopiero teraz coś zaczyna do mnie wracać. Najważniejsza jest pewnie powtarzalność dekoracji – jakiś park, zoo, plac zabaw, a nawet tramwaj lub autobus. Wtedy mi się przypomina: ja też tak szedłem, też tak jechałem. Szedłem z matką, tak jak teraz on idzie ze mną.
* * *
A tych placów zabaw nigdy nie lubiłem. Z każdym z najpopularniejszych placowych sprzętów wiąże mi się jakieś niemiłe wspomnienie. Huśtawką w zęby, karuzelą w tył głowy, jakiś upadek ze zjeżdżalni… Chyba tylko na drabinkach nie zrobiłem sobie nigdy żadnej krzywdy. Typowy jak na tamte czasy przebieg kariery życiowej. Twardy dizajn – wszyscy moi koledzy mieli na głowie jakieś blizny od murków, kantów i krawędzi. Ja żadnych blizn nie miałem, nawet po tamtej huśtawce. Matka potrafiła mnie jednak jakoś upilnować – to inna sprawa.
Teraz te place są na innym poziomie. Wszystko drewniane, miękkie – podłoże piankowe. Ładne, nieodrapane kolory. Sama mechanika placu zabaw, jego filozofia, pozostaje jednak bez zmian. Generalnie dominuje powtarzalny ruch – kręcenie, huśtanie, bujanie. Celem fizjologicznym jest tu ostre podrażnienie błędnika. Nie mogą jeszcze pić wódy, a jakoś się muszą ogłupiać. Zahuśtać się do nieprzytomności, do zerzygania, do zapomnienia.
On też niespecjalnie lubi te place – mimo miękkiej wyściółki, mimo kolorów podprogowo i atawistyczne łechcących wzgórze, podwzgórze i układ limbiczny. Placów nie lubi: lubi dinozaury. Można go wyciągnąć na taki plac tylko pod pretekstem powspinania się na brachiozaura na przykład.
Dinozaury są ważne. To jest podstawowy element wyposażenia psychicznego każdego dziecka w wieku przedprzedszkolnym. Dinozaury są wytrychem pozwalającym wypuścić na wierzch wszystkie freudowskie demony, jednocześnie trzymając je na smyczy z mocnej liny konopnej. Straszne, ale i zabawne, agresywne, ale przyjazne. Groźne, ale niegroźne. Lepsze to od Jasia i Małgosi w piecu krematoryjnym.
Dinozaury wyginęły. W ten sposób przerabia się śmierć (bo poza tym śmierci nigdzie nie widać; śmierć sama jest wymarłym dinozaurem). Miłość na pszczółkach, śmierć na dinozaurach. Dziadek zmarł – jak dinozaury – może trafił go meteoryt, a może nadeszła dla niego epoka zlodowaceń. Nie wiadomo: i to jest najlepsze. W sprawie śmierci nie ma wiedzy, muszą wystarczyć hipotezy.
Za moich czasów nie było dinozaurów. Ciekawe, jak się z dziećmi przerabiało śmierć. Pewnie jednak na piecach.
* * *
Wszyscy jesteśmy dinozaurami – mówi. – Jesteśmy rodzinką dinozaurów.
Kim ty jesteś? – pytam.
O, dziękuję! A mama?
Świetnie. Słuchaj, miśku…
Galimimie! – poprawia.
Tak, jasne. Słuchaj, galimimie, idziemy do parku, na plac zabaw?
Nie chcę do parku.
No chodź, może się powspinasz na ten duży zamek…
Właśnie, na apatozaura. Albo na diplodoka.
Na co jeszcze mogą się wspinać galimimy? – pyta.
Może na brontozaura.
Brontozaur to inaczej apatozaur – mówi.
A brachiozaur to jest to samo?
Nie, to inny.
Ale też z długą szyją? – pytam.
Też. Można się wspinać?
Galimimy na pewno mogą.
Ale tyranozaury są za duże…
No ja nie planuję się wspinać – zapewniam. – To chodź, galimimie, powspinasz się na apatozaury, diplodoki i brachiozaury. Może dzisiaj znów spotkamy Zosię.
To nie jest Zosia, to jest triceratops.
Super, powiemy jej.
Ona wie. Triceratopsy wiedzą, że są triceratopsami.
A mama Zosi jakim jest dinozaurem?
A kim ona jest? – pytam ostrożnie.
A pterodaktyle to nie dinozaury?
Nie, bo dinozaury nie latają, a pterodaktyl lata.
Latał – mówię.
* * *
Spinozy nie poczytasz. Triceratopsy wiedzą, że są triceratopsami – o, to jest prawie ze Spinozy. Musi wystarczyć. Nic nie poczytasz, nie obejrzysz, nie pójdziesz, nie porozmawiasz, nie skorzystasz. Na kilka lat przestajesz istnieć. Zresztą zwykle to ona przestaje istnieć, nie ty, i tylko w niezwykle rzadkich wypadkach (bo ona więcej zarabia, bo ona w ogóle coś zarabia) pada na ciebie.
Lądujesz na bocznicy. Pod względem umysłowym osiadasz na mieliźnie higieniczno-toaletowej. Na pełny etat zajmujesz się nadzorowaniem czyjegoś układu pokarmowego – później jeszcze i innych układów, ale ten jeden zawsze przeważa – i powoli sam stajesz się układem pokarmowym. Co zje, gdzie wydali, co ja zjem, co ona zje. Proste przełożenie. Następny słoiczek prościej będzie od razu wrzucić do sedesu.
Zaczynasz też pełnić funkcję termostatu. Czy nie za zimno, czy nie za ciepło? Zdjąć, założyć, odpiąć, zapiąć, rozwiązać, zawiązać – zapasowy komplet garderoby w plecaku. I nagle tobie też jest zawsze za zimno albo za ciepło, to ty nie potrafisz się ubrać, chociaż jeszcze dwa, trzy lata temu zawsze było w sam raz.
Bez końca te dramatyczne wybory. Banan czy jogurt? Tenisówki czy sandałki? A na koniec dnia pytanie naczelne: co zrobić z tą wolnością, jak najlepiej zainwestować swój ograniczony przydział? Dwie, trzy godziny – i same alternatywy, żadnych koniunkcji. Poczytać albo obejrzeć, wyjść albo się wyspać, poćwiczyć albo zjeść. Albo porozmawiać – ale tego się nigdy nie wybiera, bo to jest strata troskliwie rozdzielanego czasu antenowego, aby obie osoby robiły naraz to samo. I stąd się to bierze, o to właśnie chodzi, wcale nie o seks, bo seks to się jeszcze czasem gdzieś wciśnie – ale żeby pogadać, zwłaszcza żebyś ty mówił, żebyś jej coś opowiedział, nie czując przy tym, jak jesteś żałosny – no to tego w domu nie masz. To masz koło piaskownicy.
To tam jest twoje niepodzielne królestwo. Spełniło się twoje stare onanistyczne marzenie: jesteś jedynym mężczyzną w wieku produkcyjnym, który ocalał z katastrofy nuklearnej. Czasami trafi się jakiś dziadek, ale ojciec nigdy. Babć jest sporo, ale generalnie aż po horyzont rozciągają się całe stada matek. Zwykle się te matki grupują w jakieś gromady, ale są też takie, które siedzą same z boku, które nie są ani wystawcami, ani klientami na tej żałosnej giełdzie dobrych rad. One są zwykle trochę mniej zaniedbane i trochę bardziej sfrustrowane – one się na to wszystko jakoś nie w pełni zgadzają. Ty się przysiadasz, ty wrzucasz program „Ironia i dystans” – na co to nam przyszło – a reszta dzieje się w zasadzie sama. Następnego dnia ona nie jest już w dresie, a dzieci się bardzo zaprzyjaźniły, niech rozwijają zdolności społeczne.
I nagle stwierdzasz, że wszystkie sfery życia masz kompletnie zwiędnięte, ale ta jedna kwitnie jak nigdy dotąd. Nagle znowu jesteś Casanovą stołówki studenckiej, nagle przekonujesz się, że dwulatek pozwolił ci zyskać powszechną odruchową sympatię. Bo dziecko służy mężczyźnie, zmiękcza wizerunek i zarazem go wyostrza. Stajesz się bardziej męski, a zarazem nieco bardziej przystępny. Dzikus familiarny, bestia udomowiona, testosteron w stylowej ampułce.
Kobiecie z kolei dziecko nie służy ani trochę – taki to piaskownicowy paradoks. Jej wizerunek nie mięknie, ale całkiem rozmięka. One wszystkie całkiem się rozlatują, nagle wychodzi na wierzch całe życiowe niedopieszczenie, nagle są skłonne pobiec za tobą w zamian za byle ochłap. Teraz czują się wybitnie nieatrakcyjnie (choć w rzeczywistości są pewnie dokładnie tak samo nieatrakcyjne jak przed ciążą, jak przed naszą erą). No bo poziom jest, owszem, przeciętny, ale nieraz jednak przeciętny z plusem, a tobie to już zdecydowanie wystarcza, bo mimo fasadowych różnic wizerunkowych mechanizmy są takie same – ty też masz rozmaite rozstępy do pokazania, czy raczej do niepokazania.
Królujesz więc tak sobie na placach zabaw od marca do października, a później impreza przenosi się pod dach i taką na przykład mamę Zosi (bo w tych kręgach zawsze jest się czyjąś mamą albo tatą, a prywatnych imion używa się o wiele później, jeśli w ogóle) poznajesz w damskiej toalecie, bo w męskiej nie ma przewijaków ani nakładek na sedes. Rzucasz jakiś żenujący tekst („panie przodem” na przykład, niby że do Zosi) i pożyczasz jej chusteczki nawilżane. Albo od niej pożyczasz – jeszcze lepszy efekt.
Zsynchronizujmy drzemki – mówisz kilka tygodni później, a ona się łatwo i bezproblemowo zgadza, bo seks stał się w międzyczasie jeszcze jedną czynnością toaletowo-higieniczną do sprawnego zorganizowania i przeprowadzenia (chusteczki nawilżane bardzo się przydają).
Ona się zgadza (i faktycznie dręczy to swoje dziecko, przestawiając mu drzemkę), chociaż jeszcze dwa, trzy lata temu nigdy by się nie zgodziła. Nigdy by się nie zgodziła, gdyby nie miała dziecka, a przede wszystkim gdybyś ty nie miał dziecka, bo w końcu jesteś obcym facetem z parku, ale teraz jesteś również tatą galimima, więc raczej jej nie zadźgasz nożem i przyjdziesz może bez kwiatów i bez wina, ale za to z chusteczkami. A ona jest mamą Zosi oraz w domyśle żoną taty Zosi, więc nie będzie do ciebie wydzwaniać po siedemnastej ani nie będzie chciała spędzać z tobą świąt. Ani mieć dzieci.
Wszystko opiera się na równowadze, czyli jak mąż ją rzuci, to ty też ją natychmiast rzucasz. Prosimy nie płakać. Tyle twojego, wiecznie to nie potrwa. A dziecko też ma korzyść, bo przynajmniej czasem zobaczy jakiegoś mężczyznę przed siedemnastą. Trzeba mieć wzorce osobowe.
* * *
Przestań – mówię. – Nie tutaj.
Spokojnie. Nie widzą, stoją tyłem.
Kończy się sezon. Sierpniowe resztki. Od września do przedszkola. Zosia najwcześniej za rok, może za dwa lata. Współczuję wszystkim zainteresowanym.
A jak się odwrócą? – pytam.
No to rzeczywiście tragedia. Pomoże mamie wypełnić papiery rozwodowe.
Rozumie więcej niż myślisz.
Nawet gdyby zobaczył, to i tak nie zapamięta. Czytałam, że pierwsze wspomnienia ma się najwcześniej z czwartego, piątego roku życia.
No to może za dwadzieścia lat nie będzie tego pamiętał, ale za trzy godziny jednak będzie!
Co ty taki dzisiaj do niczego?
A czego się spodziewałaś? – pytam. – Mam cię tu oprzeć o huśtawkę i wydymać?
No, z tego, co sobie przypominam, raz prawie tak się to skończyło.
Prawie tak było, faktycznie. Ale to była jednak inna epoka – wózki i drzemki. Zosia nadal ma drzemkę. Zdesynchronizowaliśmy się.
Gdzie on tam wlazł? – mówię.
Tyranozaurze! – krzyczy. – Zdejmij mnie!
Podbiegam do niego, wyciągam ręce, ściągam go z tych drabinek – i wtedy mi się przypomina. Miesza mi się to trochę, nie wiem, co było wcześniej, a co później, nie wiem, co naprawdę sobie przypominam, a co jedynie doklejam.
Mam ze trzy lata. Jestem na takich samych drabinkach – czyli jednak z drabinkami też wiąże mi się jakieś traumatyczne wspomnienie. Krzyczę coś. („Zdejmij mnie?” – to pewnie wstawiam teraz). Matka jest gdzieś daleko. Matka jest wściekła – ale czy już teraz, czy dopiero potem? Biegnie do mnie jakiś obcy mężczyzna. To z pewnością nie jest mój ojciec, bo ma wąsy. Ma wąsy i szeroki, nienaturalny uśmiech, wygląda jak George Harrison na okładce „Let it Be”.(Matka zawsze mówiła, że z całej czwórki George najbardziej przystojny). Wyciąga do mnie ręce. Przytula mnie? Głaszcze? Całuje? Matka odkleja się od tła i pędzi w naszą stronę. Jest wyraźnie wściekła – nie wiem, na mnie, czy na niego.
Synku, syneczku mój – mówi Harrison (prawie na pewno).
* * *
Słuchaj, galimimie, nie musimy mówić stegozaurowi, że znowu spotkaliśmy triceratopsa i pterodaktyla, dobrze?
To będzie nasza mała tajemnica – mówię (dosłownie). – Zgoda?
Może jutro pójdziemy na jakiś inny plac, co?
Najlepiej po prostu o nich zapomnijmy.
Grub’s throat was dry as hell. He blinked. When that didn’t help, he shook his head back and forth. Finally, he managed to overcome this strange, suffocating sleepiness. Bit by bit, he began to make out individual details of the chaos swirling around him. He heard cries, weeping, and gnashing of teeth. The room where he found himself was very cramped, so that someone was constantly bumping into him. People swarmed all around. He frowned. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember how he’d ended up here.
“Shit . . . ” he muttered, mainly out of habit. The room, or rather the hallway, flooded in the glare of fluorescent lights hanging from the ceiling, slowly stabilized around him.
“Mr. Marvin Grundle?” asked a well-dressed, middle-aged woman, who had appeared out of nowhere, peering at Grub with a gaze reinforced by her thick glasses. She was clutching a gray folder.
“Mr. Marvin Grundle? Is that your name?”
“Yes.” He hawked and spat. The only person who called him by his first name was his probation officer. “It’s Grub, actually.”
“Beg pardon?” She frowned. The crowd in the hallway rippled like a choppy sea of complaints and appeals. Grub might have described this woman as an oasis of calm, if he’d had those words in his vocabulary.
“Nothing,” he said curtly, irritated that he’d spoken at all.
“Please come with me.” The woman opened a door on the left-hand side of the hall that Grub hadn’t noticed before. He looked after her uncertainly and wondered what to do. The amount of wailing all around them suggested a hospital, but it could just as easily have been a government office. If it was an office, he’d probably better get the crap out of there . . . but what if it was a hospital? Grub took one uncertain step, then another. Although his head kept spinning, he still managed to walk right into the door frame. The woman slammed the door shut, cutting off the noise from the hallway as if with the edge of a knife. Grub looked around. The light from a ceiling lamp reflected off garish yellow walls. There were no windows. Posters hanging everywhere with pictures of the Grand Canyon and a completely generic jungle only heightened the whole room’s claustrophobic feel. The woman who’d led him in sat right down at a small wooden desk overflowing with papers. She swept them out of the way to clear room for the folder.
“Please take a seat,” she said, gesturing to a chair in the center of the room. Grub sat down obediently, because he was having a hard time staying on his feet. He scratched his buzz-cut head.
“What happened?” he croaked.
“I’m sure you’d like to know what happened.” She opened the folder. “In certain instances . . . Well, I understand the situation might be unclear. Best to discuss the basic issues first. You really don’t remember, Mr. Grundle? Yesterday evening . . . ” she said, before trailing off.
“I was drinking?” said Grub tentatively, straining for a few seconds to remember.
“Correct!” said the woman with a smile. “You were drinking in the apartment of your significant other, until she made an attempt to throw you out.”
“Next,” she said, her eyes scanning across the pages in the folder from behind her glasses, “you beat up her son and went out into the street with your friends.”
“It was cold.” The memories were returning to life in Grub’s mind.
“Next . . .”
“I got into a car?” Grub heard the growl of the engine. Suddenly he felt uncomfortable.
“Into the driver’s seat. With a blood alcohol level of nearly 0.30. You set off. And then . . . ?”
“I drove all the way home?” asked Grub.
“No,” the woman said tersely. “You were driving through downtown at a speed of 55 miles per hour, do you remember? After running a red light, you sped into the middle of a six-lane intersection. You took too sharp a turn, the vehicle lost traction . . .”
“It rolled . . . ” Grub could clearly hear the squealing, scraping, and screaming.
“Yes, but not until it reached the sidewalk. You made it over a hundred feet farther along and hit a group of four college students waiting for the night bus.”
Grub suddenly felt sick. So this was a government office after all? Or some kind of court?
“All have been hospitalized and two are in critical condition. The doctors don’t give them much of a chance . . . . Though of course that’s no concern of yours,” the woman said with a smile.
“But . . . ” Grub was nervous. If he’d drunkenly run someone over, that was a big deal. This could turn into a major shitshow.
“Don’t worry,” the woman added facetiously. “Justice was served. Your friends were also badly injured, and as for yourself . . . ”
There was a moment of silence.
“Well?” he choked out.
“Well,” the woman sighed, “you expired at the scene. Am I to understand you were not aware of all this?”
“Wait, what the fuck?!”
“After your death, as per the terms of our contract, you were transferred to our institution. Someone will arrive shortly to give you the details of your first assignment. If you have any questions . . . ”
“Where is this hellhole, what office am I in, what contract?!”
“Hellhole,” the woman said, smiling warmly. “You could say that. As for the contract . . . ”
She flicked efficiently through the documents collected in the folder. Then she went through a second time, more slowly. She frowned. Meanwhile, Grub felt he was losing control and being swept away by this wave of events. Suddenly being aware of his own death did not help. He tried to cross himself, but couldn’t remember which side to start from.
“I’m afraid there’s a slight . . . problem,” the woman finally declared.
“I can’t find your contract!” She saw his blank expression. “The one where you sold us your soul.”
Grub stared at her, his eyes wide.
“I sold my soul?!”
“I have the statement of the transfer of ownership, which couldn’t be here without the contract, but the contract itself . . . I do not see.” She flicked through the contents of the folder once again.
“I didn’t sign any fucking contract!” howled Grub.
“Sir, please remain calm, you must have.”
“But it’s not there!” Grub spotted a chance to save himself. The woman glared at him. After a moment’s consideration, she slid the phone on the desk toward her and picked up the receiver.
“Normally I’d pay no mind to a missing contract, the statement of transfer of ownership is entirely sufficient on its own. But you look so grim,” she smiled. “I’ll make an exception.”
With a long, manicured fingernail she pushed one of the buttons on the receiver. He could hear a muffled male voice. The woman chirped:
“Mr. Speight, would you mind coming in for just a quick moment? Thank you.” She hung up the phone. “We’ll have this all cleared up right away!”
After a few minutes of nervous silence, a tall, plump, slightly balding man entered the room, wearing an unbuttoned jacket and a collared shirt.
“Hot as hell today!” he exclaimed in a rumbling baritone. He shook Grub’s hand and went up to the desk. “What’s the problem, Miss Chrissy?”
“There’s something missing in this gentleman’s documentation!” she chirped again. “There’s no contract!”
“But the transfer . . . ” The pages rustled. “Is here? Strange.”
“We’re afraid there may have been some kind of mix-up, Mr. Speight!”
“Nonsense!” he said. “I’ll check in the archive. Maybe something got misplaced there.” He went out.
“Don’t you worry, Mr. Grundle!” said Miss Chrissy in a soothing tone. “We’ll have this sorted out in a jiffy.”
Grub stood up and started pacing the room. He was sure he hadn’t sold his soul, but he didn’t know if his memory could be trusted. After all, he hadn’t remembered he was dead until just now. Despite his best efforts, he was losing his cool.
“Please sit down . . . ” said Miss Chrissy. That was the final straw. Grub didn’t hold back. He tensed all his muscles and leapt to the attack. Now he was a foot or two from the desk, but his body, honed in the fire of hundreds of brawls, struck an invisible obstacle. He bounced off it like a ball and tumbled to the floor.
“Very impressive!” remarked Miss Chrissy enthusiastically. “Though pointless.”
“Holy shit!” coughed Grub.
“You have certain restrictions here, Mr. Grundle. But please don’t be concerned, you will soon receive instructions suitable to your capacities and then you can run wild!”
“Instructions?” asked Grub, reluctantly coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t going to be able to beat the crap out of this chick.
“Souls that we’ve, shall we say, acquired, while they were alive, are used for various purposes after their deaths. Who knows, maybe you’ll be a seducer! Well, maybe not. But perhaps a flagellator!”
“I think congratulations are in order, Mr. Grundle!” bellowed Mr. Speight from the direction of the door. Under his arm, he carried yet another folder of papers, tied up with gray string. “You’ve got documentation on an impressive scale! The quantity of paperwork is precisely the problem. The older items were given their own number and left in the archive! But now we’ve got the full set!” Mr. Speight sat at the desk and untied the string. A few of the documents he’d brought looked fresh; others had visibly been sitting there for several years. The yellowing paper had been marked up with handwritten notes. There were also many smaller scraps of paper in among the full-sized sheets. Mr. Speight scrupulously spread them out over the available space.
“Some tea? Or coffee?” asked Miss Chrissy.
“No thank you, I just had lunch,” said Mr. Speight with a smile.
“I didn’t sell my soul!” Grub burst out. “For the love of God!”
“It’s a bit late for that,” said Mr. Speight, glancing at him from under his bushy eyebrows.
A stream of sweat ran down Grub’s back. He eyeballed the distance between him and the door. Maybe he could get a hold of the doorknob before they realized what was happening? Only then what? Meanwhile, Mr. Speight’s earlier cheerful expression had deserted him. He was nervously riffling through the pages.
“Well now, there’s no contract here as such,” he finally declared in an irritated tone. “But no two ways about it, Mr. Grundle, you must have sold yourself out. Let’s go through your bio,” he concluded. He lay his finger to one of the pages and started slowly sliding it downward. “Ah! Here it is, clear as day! March 7, 1986: at the age of eight you mentally expressed the desire to sell your soul so no one would find out you were robbing your classmates.”
“I was eight fucking years old, for fuck’s sake!” howled Grub.
“You displayed extraordinary maturity. However . . . ”
“And I definitely didn’t sign anything!”
“No, indeed,” said Mr. Speight with a frown. “Moving on… January 5, 1990: you verbally expressed the desire to sell your soul in exchange for the death of your mother’s significant other . . . ”
“That son of a bitch,” spat Grub, recalling the man he’d hated. One night, listening to his laughter and his mother’s hoarse groans, he might indeed have whispered a few words…
“The matter is explained,” said Mr. Speight delightedly, after seeing Grub’s expression.
“No,” Grub snarled. Over the course of his life he’d managed to get a handle on the ins and outs of investigative procedures. Time to put that skill to use. “No, dammit. I would have to have signed something to leave a paper trail. There was nothing like that.”
“No one came to see you?”
“All right then . . . ” Mr. Speight’s finger ran down the page. “July 7, 1996: you begged our institution that one Joanna Fairchild, then thirteen years of age, would not recognize your face. You and your friends raped her . . . ”
“Shit, that was just talk.”
“November 17, 2001: you were ready to give up your soul in exchange for early release from prison, where you were serving a sentence for manslaughter . . . . Though of course we know it wasn’t inadvertent . . . . And you were released.”
“Yes, on some technicality, for fuck’s sake! Without anybody’s help!”
“That’s true,” said the official with a frown. “Moving on . . . ”
The minutes ticked by. Mr. Speight paged through the files. Meanwhile, a considerable group of women was gathering around the desk. They’d come in to ask for a pen, or a document, then, realizing how unusual Grub’s situation was, stayed to see how it would pan out.
“All right,” said Mr. Speight, his voice weary. “September 4, 2009. You were ready to sell your soul so your mother would die!" Whispers of admiration could be heard all around.
“So she’d leave me her house. But she’s still alive.”
“And is that all?”
“Yes, damn it!”
“You don’t recall anything more?”
“No!” Now that they’d provided him an audience, Grub felt more confident. The office women gathered around were all smiling.
“All right,” Mr. Speight said, decisively snapping the folder shut. “I don’t know why this document is missing, or why you don’t recall concluding a verbal agreement, to say nothing of a written one . . . ”
“So I can go?” asked Grub, straining to sound polite.
“It certainly appears you are here in error, doesn’t it?”
“However . . . there is still one thing we must address,” said Mr. Speight with a frown. “To make certain, you understand. Miss Chrissy, get Legal on the phone, please, have them send someone over . . . I think we’d better bring in Repulsivich.”
Grub noticed that these last words of Mr. Speight’s provoked a very strong reaction among the women surrounding him. A tense silence gripped the room. A short moment later, the door creaked open and a pale man in a plain suit slipped inside. His delicate features showed no emotion.
“Hello, might I ask the ladies to leave the room, please, thank you,” he said in one breath. The employees gathered around meekly headed for the door. The lawyer let them past and approached the desk.
“Greetings, greetings, a pleasure to see you, my friend!” exclaimed Mr. Speight. “The difficulty is we have an extraordinarily large number of documents concerning this client, but we cannot locate his contract of sale, although the statement is here and . . . ”
“I understand, Mr. Speight,” the lawyer said coldly. “Thank you for your help. Please leave me alone with Mr. . . . Grundle.”
Without a word, Mr. Speight and Miss Chrissy left the room. Grub swallowed hard.
“Mr. Grundle,” the lawyer said from behind the desk, once they were alone. “My name is Robert Repulsivich, and I understand your irritation. I beg only a moment’s patience.” He quickly and efficiently paged through Grub’s considerable paperwork.
“Very well.” Grub once again felt unwell. He waited. The lawyer methodically examined the documents, occasionally writing something down in his notebook. He made two phone calls in a language Grub didn’t understand.
“Yes, I see,” he declared at last.
“Is the f—” Grub cleared his throat. “Is the contract there?”
“No, no contract of sale was in fact made for your soul,” said the lawyer, his voice calm. “However, given that the proof of acquisition is here, there can be no question of you still being its owner. It belongs to us. Of course, Mr. Grundle, you have every right to be surprised,” the lawyer looked condescendingly at Grub. “In a moment, I will summon Miss Chrissy, who will complete the formalities.”
“But how the fuck could this happen?” Grub’s head was now spinning.
“I can provide you with an explanation.”
“Well! Go ahead!” his throat felt dry as hell again.
“You did not, in fact, transfer your soul to us by means of a purchase and sales agreement. However, as you see, we have been collecting information on you for . . . twenty-three years. That is precisely when you, for the first time (and in full awareness of your actions), requested our help, thereby coming to our attention. We may consider the date of May 7, 1986 the point at which your soul was transferred to us, and we accepted it in good faith. Of course, given the form of the donation, it was not a binding transfer, and therefore, Mr. Grundle, you could have requested the return of its (the donation’s) subject and reclaimed it (it, in this case, being your soul) at any time in any formal or informal fashion.”
“Meaning what?” Grub’s eyes were stinging and he started rubbing them. “In church . . . ”
“At confession. For instance. Or,” the lawyer sighed, “by doing a good deed. The list of possibilities is unfortunately mercifully long. One way or the other, you did not do so, Mr. Grundle. Your activities over many years, as we scrupulously observed, did not provide any evidence to suggest you wished to regain your soul. Under these circumstances, the continuity of this institution’s good faith is not up for discussion, as will be confirmed by every appellate authority you might address. We have corpus, so to speak. The animus I need hardly mention.” He smiled drily. “Therefore, we may confirm the status of ownership. There remains only the question of the passage of time. As it happens, according to Article 845 of the Post-Civil Code, the twenty-year deadline passed on March 7, 2006.”
“Deadline?!” The world started to dissolve before Grub’s squinting eyes. He was sure the lawyer’s face was getting closer, growing, stretching in all directions. Meanwhile he himself was shrinking, and before long he was no larger than the empty coffee mug.
“Precisely, the deadline.” The voice was coming from all directions at once. “Mr. Grundle . . . we acquired ownership of your soul over three years ago . . . uncontested.”
© Jarek Westermark. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Sean Gasper Bye. All rights reserved.
The authors who appear in this special Polish feature, prepared in the run-up to this year’s London Book Fair, at which Poland will be the “market focus” country, illustrate the diversity and dynamism of modern Polish fiction.
Julia Fiedorczuk is perhaps the best established of these names, with five volumes of poetry and four of fiction already published. Her poetry collection Oxygen, translated by Bill Johnston, will be out with Zephyr Press very soon. Strong themes in her work include how violence can suddenly encroach on human lives, and also how people don’t always fully understand their own physical place within the natural world. The story I chose for this feature, "War," is from her last book, a collection of short stories called Close Countries, in which, according to one reviewer, “Fiedorczuk exposes the sensitivity of creatures, finding that even dangerous tarantulas are delicate and fragile, their venom not as toxic as we imagine—as if we create most of our fears ourselves.”
I came across Maciej Miłkowski’s intense, powerful writing a couple of years ago, when I was asked to find a text by a writer under thirty-five for the Harvill Secker Young Translators Prize. Maciej had just published his first collection of short stories, Whist, from which I chose The Tattoo for the competition, which was won by Tul’si Bhambry. She went on to translate more of his work, including Playground Archeology, which is from his second collection, Second Encounter. I was impressed by the precision of Maciej’s writing, and its sharp irony, which reminded me of Witold Gombrowicz—(no wonder Tul’si, who has studied Gombrowicz closely for some years, was able to hear the author’s voice so well). And by his excellent storytelling. "Playground Archeology" is a fine example of his ability to produce a seemingly innocent story that takes an alarming turn.
I’ve always mildly envied my colleagues who translate from French, Spanish, and Portuguese for being able to work on writers from countries in Africa and Latin America where those languages are spoken. So it was a pleasant surprise to come upon the work of Żanna Słoniowska, a Ukrainian who now writes in Polish; after growing up speaking Russian and Ukrainian, she fully acquired Polish as an adult, but as a native of Lviv she’s from a city that was once proudly Polish. And her Polish immediately enchanted me–it feels fresh and different, highly poetic. She’s capable of making the language perform extraordinary tricks, which enable her to bring realistic scenes more sharply into focus by gradually making them surreal, or to make various time scales overlap and blend. Her novel is about the painful relationships between the four women in a family where each is the only representative of her generation (we meet them in Doors, the extract you’ll find here), and also shows how in their part of the world lives are buffeted by historical fate. She is now close to completing her second novel, this time set in Kraków.
Jarek Westermark is a young writer and musician, whose first published work is Stories I’ve Written, the collection from which "Good Faith" is taken. I found it while browsing the Polish Book Institute’s Web site, and was intrigued by a short description that praised him for absorbing plots with a sense of humor and great powers of observation, somewhere on the border between popular and highbrow literature, but using the best elements of each. “He’s able to keep us in suspense, entertain us, and also, by breaking the conventions of various genres, prompts us to think more deeply about the world around us . . . ” I think "Good Faith" is the perfect illustration of his use of black comedy and fantasy to amuse and provoke all at once. I’m curious to know what he’ll produce next.
The feature also provides a great chance to showcase the work of three of the translators who have “graduated” from the UK and the US Emerging Mentorship Programs. Sean Bye and Tul’si Bhambry were both “mentees” of mine under the scheme run at the time by the British Centre for Literary Translation, and Anna Zaranko was mentored by Bill Johnston in the first year of ALTA’s program. To me, these programs represent the best move forward for Polish literature in translation in recent years, very quickly leading to an increased number of publications, and opportunities for new voices to be heard in English.
Since the turn of the twenty-first century, the world has witnessed a surge in the production of graphic narratives. The world has witnessed this surge—not just the US, though its dominance does continue in both comics practice and comics studies, innovating and influencing in equal measure. But the form has now migrated to writers and artists from all over the globe, presenting itself as a medium of expression that is particularly oriented toward the communication of stories across borders, be they cultural, national, linguistic or otherwise. As diverse formally as they are geographically, these graphic narratives all combine drawn and sometimes painted panels (the graphics) with the written word (though not always) to tell a story (narrative). This story might communicate an experience, document an atrocity, convey an emotion, educate and raise awareness, but more often than not, the form elicits empathy in the readerships that it reaches. Indeed, that it reaches you now is evidence of this evolving trend.
If the combination of these two terms—"graphic" and "narrative"—usefully foregrounds the key ingredients of this astonishingly versatile, agile, and inherently innovative medium, my immediate choice of the label "graphic narrative," rather than "comics," also points to the extent to which the form has evolved in the last thirty years. Throughout the middle decades of the twentieth century, "comics" were generally used to signify all kinds of sequential art ("sequential art" being yet another term for the form, one advocated by comics practitioner and later theorist Will Eisner). "Comics" was used to describe everything from two or three panel strips in newspapers to multi-volume collections of superhero stories. In the 1960s and ‘70s, especially in the US, the "comix" subculture developed, an explicitly radical and subversive movement that was indiscriminate in its satirical gaze and that showed how the form might offer new perspectives on all kinds of social, cultural, and political issues.
But it was in the late 1980s and early ‘90s that things really started to change, and many regard Art Spiegelman’s 1992 Pulitzer Prize for his comic Maus (serialized 1980–91), as a shifting moment of tectonic proportions for the form. Spiegelman’s sensitive treatment of his father’s memory of the Holocaust demonstrated the extent to which the co-mixing, to use Spiegelman’s own preferred phrase, of image and text could communicate a nuanced, deeply political and personal narrative, engaging with themes of history, memory, and trauma. Since then, comics production has proliferated, with formally experimental comics artists trying their hand at a whole range of genres set in multiple geographical contexts: consider, for example, the journalistic nonfiction of Jean-Philippe Stassen and Harvey Pekar, the travelogues of Guy Delisle and Didier Lefèvre, the autobiographies of Marjane Satrapi and Alison Bechdel, or the crime narratives of Brian Wood and Frank Miller, to name just a very few.
Though this history and terminology is a disputed one, I think it is important to reclaim the term "comics" for this proliferating body of work. If the pieces collected in this special issue of Words without Borders may not all be humorous—that is to say, they are not "comic" as such—they are still representative of the innovative developments in this remarkable medium. As readers, we should celebrate these developments, while not losing sight of the long tradition of co-mixing that came before them and to which they owe their existence. The small cross-section collected here demonstrates the ways in which the comics form melds different artistic and literary techniques to create new narrative modes that allow readers to view the world through a different frame of reference. Indeed, explicitly constructed through “framed” sequences, comics as a medium foregrounds its own self-referentiality, confessing the contingency of its own perspective. In so doing, comics offer a welcome antidote to what has been controversially called a “post-truth” world, where images circulate at lightning speed, are repeatedly taken out of context, and are often mobilized toward dubious political ends.
In the age of the Internet, we are trained on a daily basis to make sense of multiple images spliced with pieces of text, as we log onto Facebook feeds or scan through Twitter. Comics not only tap into this constant stream of information, exploiting our appetite for instant gratification. They also slow it down, the drawn image disrupting the photographic reality to which we have become accustomed. Meanwhile, that other fundamental component of comics, narrative, is constructed as much through what is not represented, in the gaps between panels, as it is through the drawn image. It therefore explicitly demands a participatory effort on the part of the reader. Readers are required to make sense of the images that are organized sequentially, the comics form forcing a cognitive engagement with the issues that it explores.
It is in this sense that comics might be thought of as an empathetic medium. Readers have to situate themselves in the cultural context inhabited by their authors in order to make sense of the story. The implication, then, is that comics, because they are constructed from borders and gaps of their own, are well-placed—if not unique—in their ability to communicate all kinds of stories across all kinds of linguistic, cultural, and geographical borders. Because comics are, one might say, comprised of words (and pictures) with borders, they allow readers to more easily identify those borders, before then moving beyond them in the very act of reading.
Importantly, however, the Internet has not only trained us to read comics. Given what are often the high costs of comics production and printing, the web and various other electronic drawing and reading devices have played a key role in facilitating the increased circulation and accessibility, not to mention the interactivity, of the form. Indeed, though comics are perhaps still most commonly associated with the "superhero" narrative, which were and continue to be produced by the large, wealthy corporate enterprises of Marvel and DC, these technologies have dramatically democratized the medium. This cheapening of the costs of production and circulation means that comics creators from across the globe, and often in the most unexpected places, now deftly use the form to represent, interrogate and communicate their local experiences, creating a huge and critically exciting, though still seriously under-read, body of work.
As this Words without Borders issue itself suggests, then, the ability to read comics online allows for a large body of sequential art to circulate across national, cultural, and linguistic borders, communicating local stories to a global audience or, conversely, tackling global issues for local readerships. For example, in Francisco de la Mora and Jose Luis Pescador Huerta’s self-translated comic “Joe,” a suited, politician polar bear represents the threat posed to the Arctic icecaps by climate change. The anthropomorphized polar bear’s numerous cross-cultural experiences, in which he learns of the suffering of the world’s poorest due to the effects of climate change, dramatizes the very process that the comic itself is undertaking—that is, the communication of local stories to global readerships and, perhaps more importantly, politicians. Concluding with the polar bear’s resulting condemnation of the UN’s participant nations, which fail to see the importance of fighting climate change because they lack a holistic worldview not constrained by the borders of the nation-state, the comic implicitly suggests that comics themselves have a role to play in the construction of a more globally aware social consciousness.
Monika Szydłowska’s "Heniek," translated by Sean Gasper Bye, is concerned with a different kind of border crossing. An aspiring Polish emigrant, the faceless Heniek gazes out of the window of his house at the "faraway countries" in a panel that conflates the window frame with the frame of the comic. Here, Szydłowska uses the bordered comics form to highlight the both the intervention and transgression of national borders. By juxtaposing Heniek’s dreams of working abroad with a sarcastic depiction of the realities for migrant laborers, the comic runs against the grain of mainstream anti-immigrant media discourse, especially in the US and UK.
Meanwhile, Gianluca Costantini and Elettra Stamboulis’s comic, "An Endless Green Line,” is again about national borders and identities, but as they manifest in a very specific, local, and physical border that runs through and divides the Cypriot capital city of Nicosia. This geographical division signifies much deeper cultural splits, with football teams and even types of beer segregated along political lines. As one panel testifies, just as "Nicosia is divided [. . .] our lives were divided, too." Straddling both sides of this division, however, in its later panels the comic also begins to explore the complex processes of reconciliation and the reconstruction of divided lives—perhaps here, too, we see comics using their architecture of panel and gutter to build bridges across borders.
While these comics mostly document lives shaped by national and political events beyond their protagonists’ control, Ilana Zeffren’s three shorts, translated by the author and collected here as "Urban Tails," takes readers across another border or threshold, from the public to the private sphere. Here, Zeffren’s truly "comic" pet cats repeatedly challenge and satirize their lesbian owners' exploration of sexual and gender identity, complicating the borders of normative heterosexuality.
Meanwhile, in their exploration of the private lives of South Africa’s impoverished urban communities, André and Nathan Trantraal’s "Coloureds," which they translated from Afrikaans, highlights the structural prevalence of alcohol addiction, domestic violence, and child abuse in the country’s poorer townships. By relating the experience of these issues through the innocent gaze of their child narrators, the Trantraal brothers reveal the absurdity and desperation of the township’s cyclical violence, showing how it is exacerbated and perpetuated by wider structural issues, ensnaring its youth and limiting their life opportunities.
Daniel Sixte’s comic "Men and Beasts," translated by Edward Gauvin, turns from Southern to Central Africa, but continues a similar critique of the structural and other kinds of violence that discriminate against the world’s poorest populations. Shifting between issues of local corruption and international exploitation, Sixte’s comic foregrounds ongoing corporate resource extraction in the Democratic Republic of Congo, communicating stories from a part of the world that so often falls into the blind spot of mainstream media coverage.
And finally, Naz Tansel's comic "The Minibus," translated from Turkish by Canan Marasligil, uses a richly colored, cinematic style to document one woman's tumultuous journey through Istanbul. As different characters board the bus on which she travels, arguing with one another and competing for space, a radio is heard intermittently covering political events in the background. Readers are invited to view the bus as a microcosmic allegory of contemporary Turkey's increasingly sensitive, and censored, political climate, while the comic itself sidesteps these new oppressive measures.
The production of comics, especially in their online format, is exploding. This special issue offers a small cross-section of the exciting work emerging from a variety of different geographical locations, and is in many ways just a taste of what is out there. But the collection is also indicative of, and testament to, the important role that comics are now playing in the transmission of stories across borders in the twenty-first century. In a world in which borders are becoming increasingly marked, regulated, and even violent, the comics creators collected here, as well as the hundreds of others working in various places around the world, are all contributing to an imperative project that creates a global cultural commons comprised of words and pictures without borders.
© 2017 by Dominic Davies. All rights reserved.
In this issue of WWB we present five pieces of prose by authors from Macedonia, a landlocked country in southeastern Europe bordered by Serbia, Bulgaria, Greece, Albania, and Kosovo. Macedonia is a successor-state of socialist Yugoslavia and has been independent since 1991. It is slightly larger than Vermont.
The country has a population of just over two million. The majority (about 60%) are ethnic Macedonians, who speak a Slavic language closely related to Bulgarian and Serbian. There is a sizeable Albanian community (about 30%), which constitutes a majority in a number of municipalities, as well as Turks, Romani (Gypsies), Serbs, and others. There is a significant diaspora of ethnic Macedonians in North America, Australia, and western Europe as a result of decades of economic migration.
Macedonia bears many traits of a multicultural society, and a spirit of tolerance is widespread, but the country has been in economic, social, and political crisis for almost as long as anyone can remember. Macedonia was hailed as a regional haven of peace during the wars in Bosnia-Herzegovina (1992–95) and Kosovo/Yugoslavia (1999), but problems came to a head in 2001 with a spate of ethnic-Albanian insurgency. The internationally brokered Ohrid Agreement of the same year aimed to improve the rights of ethnic Albanians. Although the Agreement brought nominal peace and stability, it has cemented the divisions within the country. Ethnic Albanians are still discriminated against in many ways; on the other hand, many ethnic Macedonians feel it would be beneath their dignity to learn Albanian. It is still a long way to a real, engaging form of multiculturalism. The capital city Skopje is divided into a mostly Macedonian half and a largely Albanian half—the division can be seen and felt, north and south of the Vardar River.
Macedonia was one of the least developed regions of the former Yugoslavia, and many of the country’s industries (mining and metallurgy, textiles, agriculture) have not adjusted well to global economic trends. There is significant foreign investment and some new production facilities, but working conditions here are often abysmal. Unemployment is high and the ongoing brain-drain of the younger generation is a big issue. An ongoing dispute with Greece over the use of the name Macedonia has seen Greece veto Macedonia’s accession to the European Union, adding to the feeling of frustration in many sectors of society.
Large protests erupted in late 2014 after it was revealed that the right-wing nationalist government of President Nikola Gruevski (in office since 2006) had been wire-tapping citizens in a big way. A “colorful revolution” saw a number of public buildings and monuments copiously pelted and squirted with paint. The wire-tapping scandal was only the straw that broke the camel’s back: widespread corruption remains a problem, and there are various other grievances such as the government’s diverting of resources from the infrastructure budget to fund oversized monuments and neo-Classical buildings in the capital, e.g. a column topped by a huge sculpture of Alexander the Great in the city’s central square. (The Ancient Macedonians of Alexander’s time were not Greeks, as the nationalists never tire to proclaim, but neither are today’s Balkan-Slavic Macedonians related to the Ancient Macedonians in any meaningful way—the government’s strange approach to identity building has incensed many people both at home and abroad.) Parliamentary elections were held on December 11, 2016, resulting in a close finish between the governing party and the opposition bloc lead by the Social-Democrats. Forming a new government is expected to be difficult.
Macedonian literature has a long tradition going back to common Slavic times. The first Slavic texts (mainly translations from the Bible) were produced by the monastic brothers Cyril and Methodius in the ninth century based on the Slavic idiom spoken in the hinterland of Thessaloniki. There has been a long tradition of folk poetry, but Macedonian in its relatively unified contemporary form is very much a product of the codification carried out in 1944–45. This process laid down which of the words and forms from the various Macedonian dialects would constitute the new standard language, and it helped distinguish Macedonian from the closely related Bulgarian. Even today, Macedonian and Bulgarian are mutually comprehensible.
Given the small size of the Macedonian market and the country’s poverty compared to most of Europe, government funding is crucial for most literary projects and the publishing sector in general, although it functions rigidly and without a clear strategy. No authors are able to make a living from writing fiction or poetry. Almost all of them work at least part-time as journalists, teachers/lecturers, publishers, etc. This is perhaps a blessing in disguise because many authors feel relatively free to write as they see fit, both in terms of style and content. There is little pressure to conform to “market expectations” because market mechanisms do not function in the same way as in large Western economies.
A lot more literature is translated into Macedonian than is translated out of it. Given the richness of Macedonian writing, it would be lovely if Western publishers were a little bolder.
Our feature opens with “Nectar” by Rumena Bužarovska (1981), a story from her third and latest collection of short stories, My Husband (Mojot maž), published in 2014. Bužarovska, who works as a lecturer in American literature at the university in Skopje, is increasingly gaining international attention. She was one of the ten authors chosen for “New Voices from Europe” presented by Literature Across Frontiers at the London Book Fair 2016.
The narrator of “Nectar” is a woman who has married her gynecologist, a charming but arrogant man sixteen years her senior, who paints in his spare time. The story looks at gender roles in a conventional heterosexual family, shows how the husband exploits his professional position in relation to the wives of friends, and takes us on interesting excursions about male and female creativity. At the end we find out that the narrator actually writes poetry—the husband’s egocentrism and his wife’s conformity have pushed this under the carpet—and she avenges herself for his hubris with a subtle revelation.
There are quite a number of female prose writers and particularly poets in Macedonia, but they receive little recognition from the mainstream. In this and many other ways, Macedonia is a very patriarchal society.
We then present “Fog” and “Fire” by Nenad Joldeski (1986), one of the winners of the 2016 European Union Prize for Literature. Joldeski’s first degree was in economics, after which he studied comparative literature. He currently works in the IT sector. These two pieces, written in dense and intense, almost poetic language, are taken from his second book of short stories, Everyone Has Their Own Lake (Sekoj so svoeto ezero), 2012. The texts in this book revolve around existential themes and “imperiled urban scenes,” as Joldeski says in an interview—perhaps a reference to the government’s megalomania and monuments disfiguring inner Skopje. “Fog” is dreamlike and disturbing, while “Fire” examines the instability of identity and the need to share narratives about belonging. Both pieces have more than a hint of Kafka.
Next we have an extract from the novel The Lighter (Zapalka) by Natali Spasova (1989). Spasova is a relative newcomer and one of the few female voices in Macedonia’s male-dominated literary scene. This fresh and lively novel published in 2014 is structured as a series of separate tales by different narrators/protagonists, whose dissimilar lives are connected by one small object: a Zippo cigarette lighter. An entertaining book full of surprising developments, and perhaps a reflection of Macedonia’s turbulent past—and present.
We round off this feature with the tale “The Bird on the Balcony” by Petre Dimovski (1946) from his latest book of short stories entitled Dawn in the Painting (Zora vo slikata), 2015. Dimovski, who recently retired, worked primarily as a teacher and journalist, but has also published fourteen novels, eleven collections of short stories, and won most of Macedonia’s literary prizes. He organizes an annual literary festival in Bitola, Macedonia’s second-largest city.
At a simplistic level, “The Bird on the Balcony” is a boy-meets-girl story couched in rather passionate, flowery language. But there is an interesting historical twist: one of the two protagonists of this story set in the early twentieth century is a young Turkish cadet at the Ottoman military academy in Bitola (now part of Macedonia): Mustafa Kemal Atatürk. This gives an interesting dash of spice, and the story provides a good thematic and stylistic counterpoint to the three pieces above by younger writers. It alludes to the changing fortunes in this part of the world. Until the demise of the Ottoman Empire, Bitola was a regional capital of greater significance than Skopje. As well as being a commercial hub, it was also known as “the city of consuls,” since many European countries had consulates there. But when the borders were redrawn in the Treaty of Bucharest in 1913 and Bitola ended up at the southernmost tip of Serbia, its decline to a provincial town was essentially sealed.
Together, the five pieces in this feature give a diverse taste of contemporary Macedonian prose, which is vibrant both domestically and in the diaspora. There is much to be discovered. Publishers in the English-speaking world would do well to shrug off their reticence and present readers a real south-Balkan smorgasbord.
© 2017 by Will Firth. All rights reserved.
Petre Dimovski looks back at a turning point in a leader's youth
The young man walked with his usual calm over the cobblestones of the Shirok Sokak promenade in Bitola, the city famous throughout the Ottoman Empire. He came from Salonika and felt he was ever closer to his goal of obtaining an education, now that he had been accepted as a cadet at the Military Academy here. At the same moment, the beautiful Bitola girl Eleni Karinte came out onto the balcony, aflutter and in the flower of her youth, with a gentle restlessness in her soul, which created the sense of being high in the air and having a view distinctive of a bird, not of an earth-bound human. But the young man who walked over the cobbles had the sky in his eye. He sought there for the star that would guide his way into the future.
The beautiful bird looked down. Its destiny is to forever conceal the sky in the span of its wings, and yet to have its eye on life on earth.
There was absolutely no telling what would happen next, although the moment that had just entered the present was so close.
Nothing would have happened if the young woman had let herself be carried away on the little white clouds, which she now banished to the corner of her eye and let their shadows fly on. Or if the man who paced the cobbles had walked with his gaze on the ground to maintain a steady step. But just now the young man raised his head. He lifted his gaze in search of the star that was already wandering through his mind. The young woman felt a breath of air, which created the illusion that she really was a bird flying in the sky, and she lowered her eyes to the ground.
Destiny took its course when their gazes met. Heaven and earth lost their connecting border. Their thoughts then also conjoined, a quality of those who attempt to tame their restiveness and—as a result—electrify the surroundings with their elemental drive.
The young man was completely captivated by the beauty of the young woman. She left the sky and gently descended to earth.
“I feel my life is changing,” Kemal admitted sincerely to the beautiful Eleni, inebriated by the first drop of amorous wine. She only gave a heart-warming smile. But the shine in her eyes rounded out that dialogue of love. They were gazing at each other, that was plain, and they realized they could not stop. They already knew each other well enough to be the most intimate beings on earth. Elegant and well-mannered, the young woman received him at the piano in her drawing room and played him one of the pieces that the French governesses in Bitola had taught her. She chose the song “Frère Jacques,” the first for which her teachers had praised her. The strains of the piano followed the words with infatuation:
Frère Jacques, frère Jacques,
Sonnez les matines! Sonnez les matines!
Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.
And Kemal applauded long and loud. Eleni had noticed that he simply melted to the sounds of the piano. The young cadet bore his musicality in his ear but had no skill with his fingers, so he said he could only offer his love. Eleni’s enchanting laughter resounded and was conveyed by the ebony and ivory with a melodic richness. The keys struck straight at their hearts; the melody rang through their veins and made its way out into the world around.
It seems the keys recognized their two hearts as being of the same note, and in that instant their union occurred, their fusion into one whole, with the same sound and the same melody that could no longer be separated.
After that encounter, the happy young couple realized that the love flaring up in their hearts could conquer the world in a single day. And they immediately set out on their campaign.
Eleni knew the hard stance of the successful Bitola merchant Eftim Karinte, her father. She knew how he would react when he heard of their love: a young woman from a respectable Christian home and a cadet from a poor Mohammedan family . . . Their love therefore inspired them to flee.
“I will take you to meet my mother in Salonika,” the young cadet declared. “It is not hard to choose between the Academy and this beautiful young woman.”
“I will go with you wherever you take me, even to the ends of the earth,” the beautiful Eleni averred.
Soon afterward the long train roared and whistled as it raced across the land toward Salonika, bearing their great love. Kemal and Eleni spent the whole of the journey in each other’s arms. Naturally they were afraid to let go of their love, which could be seized and shut away in a prison with high stone walls.
The young man took his joy to meet his mother. But she sent the young couple straight back to Bitola so that her son would continue the chosen schooling, and so he could ask the young woman’s parents for her hand in marriage. Eftim Karinte was very strict on matters of class and religion. The young couple had no choice other than to go into hiding in Bitola in order to save their great love. But the forces of separation were more powerful than their bond, and that great love was thrown into the dungeon of a stone fortress. Then they were forcibly separated: the boy was sent away to Istanbul and the beautiful girl to Florina so that they would never see each other again. Eleni withdrew into the prison of her soul.
But such a love could not be wrenched from their hearts. Nothing could remove it from there. It filled them completely, leaving no room for any other. So it was that their great love prompted Kemal to perform great deeds. Beautiful Eleni, in turn, waited for an opening in time, when their captive love would be set free and the two separated hearts could beat together once more. She waited like this until her eightieth year, when all the times had changed and life and death had merged fully into one. And on her last journey she took with her one single token.
"Ptica na balkonot," from Zora vo slikata. © Petre Dimovski. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Will Firth. All rights reserved.
Птица На Балконот
Младиот човек одеше вообичаено спокојно по калдрмата на Широк Сокак во Битола, надалеку прочуениот град низ Османлиската империја. Дојден од Солун, чувствуваше колку е поблиску до целта да ја оствари желбата за школување откако тука стана питомец на Воената академија. Во тој ист миг на балконот се појави убавата битолчанка Елени Каринте, првната во својата младост, со благ немир во душата што го остава сознанието дека искачена високо горе во воздухот, пред себе ја има глетката што е својственост само на птица, а не на човека што лази по земјата. Но човекот кој одеше по калдрмата го имаше небото во окото. Во небото ја бараше ѕвездата што ќе му го отвори патот низ иднината.
Птицата гледаше долу. Нејзината судбина е да го остава сокриено небото во распонот на сопствените крилја, а во окото да го има животот по земјата.
Остануваше целосно непознато што ќе се случи во следниот миг, иако беше толку кратко времето до мигот кој штотуку влегуваше во сегашноста.
Можеше никогаш ништо да не се случи ако девојката одлеташе со белите облачиња, кои предмалку ги постави во аголот на окото, губејќи ја нивната сенка. Или, ако човекот што лазеше по калдрмата го оставеше и погледот да лази, паднат пред него, за да ја одржува сигурноста на одот. Но, младиот човек штотуку ја подигна главата. Погледот го насочи во потрага по ѕвездата која веќе му шеташе низ мислата. Девојката, примајќи го здивот на ветрот што ја создаваше илузијата дека сепак е птица што лета по небото, го пушти погледот да легне на земјата.
Судбината се случи кога се сретнаа двата погледа. И кога небото и земјата ја изгубија границата на спојувањето. Тогаш и мислата се соедини, особина на тие што во обид да го скротат својот неспокој, го возбудуваат просторот со надојден предизвик.
Младиот човек се фати заробен во убавината. Девојката го остави небото и тивко слезе на земјата.
„Имам чувство дека ми се менува животот“, опоен од првата капка на љубовното вино искрено се исповеда Кемал пред убавата Елени Каринте. Девојката само топло се насмевна. Но блесокот во очите го дополни дијалогот на љубовта. Се открија дека гледаат еден во друг и дека тоа не можат да го сопрат. Тие веќе се познаваа доволно да бидат најблиски суштества на светот. Елегантна, и добро воспитана, девојката прифати на клавирот во својот салон да му отсвири нешто од тоа што ја научија француските учителки во Битола. Изборот беше песната „Брате Жак“ како прва нејзина пофалба од учителките. Звуците на клавирот занесно озвучуваа по стиховите:
„Frère Jacques, frère Jacques,
Sonnez les matines! Sonnez les matines!
Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong“
а Кемал долго аплаудираше. Елени Каринте забележа дека тој се стопил со звуците од клавирот. Младиот кадет чувството за музиката го носеше во слухот, но ја немаше вештината во прстите, па кажа дека може да ја понуди само љубовта. Смеата на Елени Каринте одгласи заносно како што ја пренесоа пипките на клавирот со мелодичната звучност. Клавишите удираа директно во нивните срца и мелодијата одзвучуваше низ протекот на крвта ослободувајќи се во просторот.
Се претпоставува дека клавишите двете срца ги препознале како иста нота и во тој миг се случило соединувањето и слевањето во едно, со ист звук и иста мелодија што повеќе не можело да биде раздвоено.
По таа средба младите среќници сфатија дека со љубовта што бликна во нивните срца светот можат да го освојат за еден ден. И веднаш тргнаа во поход.
Елени Каринте знаеше за тврдиот став на Ефтим Каринте, големиот битолски трговец, нејзин татко, и односот што ќе го има кон нивната љубов. Угледна христијанска девојка и сиромав муслимански кадет. Затоа љубовта ѝ ги отвори крилјата за бегство.
„Ќе те носам кај мајка ми во Солун“, беше категоричен младиот кадет. „Лесно е да се направи избор меѓу Академијата и убавата девојка.“
„Со тебе ќе дојдам и на крајот на светот да ме носиш“, беше убедлива убавата девојка.
Набргу потоа татнеше и исвируваше долгата композиција на возот, летајќи по полето кон Солун, носејќи ја големата љубов. Кемал и Елени Каринте за сето време од патувањето не се одвоија од прегратката. Секако дека се плашеа да ја остават сама љубовта која можеше да биде заробена во затвор од камени кули.
Младиот човек ја однесе радоста кај мајка си. Но Мајката набргу ги врати младите назад, во Битола, синот да ја продолжи избраната школа, и од родителите на девојката да побара дозвола за нејзина свршувачка. Ефтим Каринте бил построг во врската на различни класи и различни религии. На младите им останувало да се кријат во Битола за да ја спасат својата голема љубов. Но силите на раздвојувањето биле помоќни од љубовта на спојувањето и големата љубов била ставена во занданата на камената тврдина. Следувала принудна разделба и младото момче заминало во Истанбул, а убавата девојка во Лерин, да не можат никогаш повеќе да се сретнат и видат. Елени Каринте таму се сместила во затворот на својата душа.
Љубовта од срцата не им ја извлекле. Ништо не можело да ја извлече од таму. Целосно ги исполнувала и никогаш повеќе во нив не се населила друга љубов. Кемал големата љубов го мотивирала за создавање големи дела. А убавата Елени го чекала времето да се отвори и од него да се ослободи заробената љубов во која повторно со ист ритам ќе зачукаат двете разделени срца. Чекала така до осумдесеттата години од својот живот, кога сите времиња биле изместени и кога животот и смртта биле целосно помешани. Таа и на последното патување со себе го имала единствениот спомен.
A resourceful child learns the limited life of a good-luck charm in Natali Spasova's tale
“When is Daddy coming?” The bare little feet came shuffling into the room, but the child’s sleepy voice received no answer. It was a small room, modestly furnished, with dark curtains on the windows that did not let in enough light.
The frail body of a woman slumped in an armchair, her old throne. The little girl made her way through the bottles of alcohol and gently loosened the strap on her mother’s left arm. She leaned up to her lips and, holding her breath, pressed her ear to them. She’s still breathing, it’s OK, she thought with relief.
“I’m hungry.” Warily, fearfully, she nudged her so she would wake up, but still there was no reaction. She picked up the blanket from the floor and threw it over her with great effort.
“I’ll make food myself. You sleep. Have a good rest. You’ll get better and we can go to the park tomorrow. We don’t have to go today.”
She headed for the kitchen. She wasn’t allowed to turn on the stove at all, and she remembered that she had once played with the knobs and was given a hard slap by her mother. If she woke up and found that the girl had turned it on once more, who knows what would happen. The fridge was empty. There was just a carton with some stale cereal. Yesterday she drank the last of the milk, although it had a strange taste. It made her tummy hurt and she had to vomit. She didn’t tell her mother because she didn’t want to wake her. Her mother was very ill and had to sleep.
Quietly she moved down the hall and went outside. She was also not allowed to cross the street, but this time she had no choice. She knew the neighbors opposite, and they were kind to her. They had a granddaughter she used to play with before she left for America. She knocked on the neighbors’ door and asked for a glass of milk.
“Mama is sick. She can’t go to the store,” she explained.
The lady looked at her in confusion, then filled the glass and walked her back home. She stood at the open front door for several seconds, horrified, and then turned and ran back to her house.
Her mother was still sleeping. Once again she held her ear close to make sure she was alive, then she shook the cereal into the glass and sat down on the floor to eat. The table was covered with a jumble of things, which she didn’t want to move because otherwise her mother would yell at her when she woke up; she was often in a bad mood when she got up and annoyed by all sorts of little things.
Someone rang at the door. She was too small to look through the peephole to see who it was, so she opened the door a bit. Two grim-looking men dressed in blue.
“Hello there. Could we come in, please?”
“No,” she replied curtly. “Mama’s sleeping. I’m not allowed to wake her. And I’m not to let anyone into the house.”
The two men glanced at each other. In front of them stood a barefooted girl, five or six years old, in a nightie that was clearly a few sizes too big for her. With a snotty little nose and milk-smeared cheeks, but with the piercing blue eyes of an adult.
One of the men pulled out his police badge, but the girl did not waver—she stood firmly by her decision. The other man took out a kind of radio and moved aside, far enough so that the girl would not be able to hear what he spoke into it.
They tried to explain to her once more that they were good people, the sort everyone lets into their homes, and that the rules didn’t apply to them, but the girl knew she would be in big trouble if she didn’t obey her mother’s rules. There were no exceptions to those rules.
In the end, the policemen’s patience wore thin. They roughly pushed her away from the door and entered, covering their noses.
Terrified, the girl ran up to her room, hid under the bed, and started to rummage through the box there. Her whole body shook and she started to cry, but she quickly gave herself a jolt when she remembered that wasn’t allowed either. No crying! Finally, among all the worthless things at the bottom of the box she found what she was looking for.
But no ordinary lighter.
She pressed it to her body and her fear suddenly vanished.
* * *
She woke up in her dark room paralyzed with fear, and she didn’t dare to make a sound. Exactly one year earlier, she had had the same nightmare: a man without a head was following her and she had nowhere to run. The first time, she told her mother about the nightmare and was given a sound beating—she had unwittingly given away that she had been watching films she wasn’t allowed to. She knew she had to keep quiet about it this time. But her room was very scary, so she snuck into the living room on her tiptoes.
Her father was still awake. What a relief! She ran and nestled up to him in front of the television. She didn’t admit anything until he gave her a firm promise she wouldn’t get into trouble, and then she told him about the film with the man without a head, whom no gun could kill.
“And now he’s following me. No one can see him because he hides in my wardrobe.”
They went and checked the wardrobes together, but to no avail—the man could make himself invisible.
Then her father fumbled around in his pocket and produced the magic lighter.
“This is the most precious thing anyone can ever own. It was given to me by a great wizard and is the most powerful weapon in the world . . . I’ll put it under your bed and no monsters will ever be able to come near you,” her father told her.
“Can it make me invisible?” her eyes lit up.
“Ha, of course. I told you it was magic. You just have to hold it tight enough and wish really, really hard for something, and it will make that wish come true.”
She slept peacefully that night. The man without a head never appeared in her dreams again. But neither did her father appear again in her life.
* * *
She heard the men come into her room. She listened to their steps and their voices. They asked themselves where she was, and she just smiled. She was invisible; they wouldn’t find her, so they would give up and leave.
She could tell from the steps that there were several people in the room now, not just the two men. Suddenly, one of them leaned under the bed and fixed his terrible dark eyes on her. She was startled for a moment, but then it occurred to her that she was actually invisible. She pressed the lighter to herself and smiled contentedly.
“What are you holding there, girl?”
She said nothing. This was impossible. She was invisible. If she kept silent, they would all go away.
“May I see?” the voice sounded friendly, but still she didn’t move. Perhaps she wasn’t squeezing the lighter hard enough? Or not wishing properly? She shut her eyes and wished again as hard as she could that she was invisible! Her arms hurt, but she didn’t give up.
All of a sudden she felt someone lift her into the air. She didn’t resist but just gripped the lighter hard with both hands and repeated to herself: “I want to be invisible! I want to be invisible!”
They carried her out of the house and sat her down beside a woman with a pleasant voice who also tried to talk with her. She opened her eyes for a moment, long enough to see her pleasant face, and then she returned to the lighter. It had to work—her father had said it would. And her father never, ever lied!
The woman gave up her attempts and just stayed sitting next to her in silence. As she expected, after half an hour’s exertion the girl finally fell asleep.
The poor thing, she thought as she carried the little urchin to the waiting taxi. She didn’t notice the lighter that fell from the girl’s limp hands onto the back seat. When they got out, the taxi driver called to her:
“Lady, you’ve forgotten your lighter!”
“I don’t smoke,” she replied over her shoulder and walked into the city orphanage.
The next morning, the newspaper headlines blared:
FIVE-YEAR-OLD LEFT ALONE FOR A WEEK WITH CORPSE OF HEROIN-OVERDOSED MOTHER
Everyone felt sorry for the girl, who just one year earlier had lost her father in a road accident.
From Zapalka. © Natali Spasova. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Will Firth. All rights reserved.
– Кога ќе дојде тато? – босите ножиња дошлапкаа во собата, но поспаниот детски глас не доби одговор. Беше тоа мала соба, скромно уредена, со темни завеси на прозорците, кои не пропуштаа доволно светлина.
Кревкото тело на жената беше срушено на фотелјата, нејзиниот стар трон.
Девојчето се проби низ шишињата алкохол и нежно го одврза каишот од левата рака на мајка си. Се наведна до нејзините усни и не земајќи здив го залепи увото до нив: „Сè уште дише, добро е“, помисли, па се успокои.
– Гладна сум... – претпазливо и со страв се обиде да ја помрдне за да се разбуди, но сè уште немаше никаква реакција. Го подигна ќебето од подот и со тежок напор го префрли преку неа.
– Ќе си направам сама јадење. Ти спиј. Одмори се. Ќе оздравиш, ќе одиме во парк утре. Не мора
Се упати накај кујната. Да го вклучува шпоретот ѝ беше најстрого забрането, паметеше дека еднаш си играше со тркалцата за вклучување и потоа доби силна шлаканица од мајка си. Ако се разбуди и ако дознае дека повторно го вклучила, којзнае што може да се случи.
Фрижидерот беше празен. Имаше само една кутија бајати житарки. Млекото, иако имаше чуден вкус, го допи вчера. Подоцна ја болеше стомакот и повраќаше. Не ѝ кажа на мајка си, не сакаше даја разбуди. Таа беше многу болна и мораше да спие.
Тивко помина низ ходникот и излезе надвор. Ѝ беше забрането и да ја преминува улицата, но овојпат немаше друг избор. Ги познаваше соседите отспротива, тие беа добри со неа. Имаа внука со која заедно си играше, потоа таа отиде во Америка.
Затропа на вратата на соседите и побара една чашка млеко.
– Мама е болна. Не може да оди до продавница – објасни.
Сосетката збунето ја погледна, ја наполни чашата и ја испрати до дома. Вџашена, остана неколку секунди пред влезната врата, а потоа се сврте и со трчање замина назад.
Мајка ѝ сè уште спиеше. Уште еднаш го доближи увото до неа за да се увери дека е жива, а потоа ги истури житарките во чашата и седна на подот да појадува. Масата беше преполна со еден куп работи, кои не сакаше да ги поместува за да не ѝ вика мајка ѝ кога ќе се разбуди; таа често беше нерасположена кога ќе станеше и ѝ пречеа секакви ситници.
Некој заѕвони на вратата.
Беше премногу мала за да ѕирне низ дупчето и да види кој е, па ја подотвори вратата. Двајца страшни мажи облечени во сино.
– Добар ден, девојче. Може ли да влеземе?
– Не – отсечно одговори. – Мама спие. Не смеам да ја будам. Не смеам ни да пуштам никого дома.
Двајцата мажи се погледнаа меѓу себе. Пред нив стоеше босо девојче на возраст од околу пет-шест години, облечено во ношница што очигледно беше преголема за него. Со размрсулавено носе, со траги од млеко по образите и со продорни сини очи на возрасен човек.
Едниот извади полициска значка, но ни тоа не го поколеба девојчето – остана цврсто на својата одлука. Другиот извади некое радио и се тргна настрана, доволно далеку за девојчето да не може да слушне што зборува во него.
Се обидоа да ѝ објаснат уште еднаш дека тие се добри луѓе, од оние што сите ги пуштаат во своите домови, и дека за нив правилата не важат, но малата добро знаеше дека, доколку не ги почитува правилата на мајка си, ќе заврши лошо. Во тие правила немаше исклучоци.
На крајот, трпението на полицајците попушти, па грубо ја бутнаа од вратата и влегоа внатре покривајќи си ги носовите.
Девојчето преплашено истрча горе во својата соба, се скри под креветот и почна да претура низ кутијата што ја најде таму. Целото се тресеше, почна да плаче, но набрзо се сепна, присетувајќи се дека и тоа е строго забрането. Конечно, меѓу сите тие безвредни работи, на дното на кутијата, го најде она што го бараше.
Но не обична запалка.
Ја притисна до себе и одеднаш стравот исчезна.
Пред точно една година, таа повторно го сонуваше истиот сон. Човекот без глава ја следеше, таа немаше каде да избега. Се разбуди во темната соба – стравот ја парализира, а не смееше да испушти звук.
Кога првпат ѝ го раскажа сонот на мајка си, таа ја натепа убаво – сама се откри дека гледала од филмовите што не смееше да ги гледа.
Овој пат знаешедека мора да молчи. Но нејзината соба беше престрашна, па на прсти се прикраде до дневната.
Татко ѝ сеуште беше буден. Какво олеснување!
Дотрча и се стутка до него пред телевизорот. Не призна ништо додека не доби цврсто ветуање дека нема да западне во неволја, а потоа раскажа за филмот со човекот без глава кого ниедно оружје не може да го убие
- И сега ме следи мене. Никој не може да го види затоа што се крие во мојот плакар.
Беше залудна проверката на плакарите – човекот можеше да биде и невидлив.
Тогаш, татко ѝ разбуричка низ својот џеб и ја извади волшебната запалка.
- Ова е најскапоценото нешто што може да го поседува некој. Мене ми го подари еден голем волшебник. Најголемото оружје на светот... ќе го ставам под твојот кревет и ниедно чудовиште нема да може да ти се приближи – ја раскажа таткото приказната.
- А може ли да ме направи невидлива? – ѝ светнаа очињата
- Хах, секако, ти реков дека е волшебна. Треба само доволно црвсто да ја држиш и силно, силно да сакаш нешто, па таа ќе ти ја исполни желбата.
Таа вечер, таа спиеше мирно. Човекот без глава никогаш не се појави повторно во нејзниот сон. Но ни татко и не се појави повторно во нејзиниот живот.
Ги слушна луѓето кога влегоа во нејзината соба. Ги слушна нивните стапки, нивните гласови. Сите се прашуваа каде е, а таа само се смешкаше. Беше невидлива; кога нема да ја најдат, ќе се откажат и ќе си заминат.
По стапките можеше да забележи дека се повеќе луѓе во собата, не се само оние двајца. Одеднаш, едниот од нив се наведна под креветот и ги впери своите страшни црни очи во неа. За момент се сепна, но се сети дека всушност е невидлива, ја припи запалката кон себе и задоволно се насмевна.
– Што држиш таму, девојче?
Молчеше. Тоа не беше возможно. Таа беше невидлива. Ако молчи, ќе си заминат сите.
– Може да видам? – гласот звучеше пријателски, но таа се уште не се помрднуваше. Можеби не ја притиска доволно силно запалката? Или не посакува доволно? Ги затвори очите и уште еднаш посака, силно, најсилно, да биде невидлива! Рацете ја болеа, но не се откажуваше!
Одеднаш почувствува како некој ја подига во воздух. Не даваше отпор, само силно ја стегаше запалката со двете дланки и повторуваше во себе: „Сакам да бидам невидлива! Сакам да бидам невидлива!“
Ја изнесоа држејќи ја во раце надвор и ја седнаа до една жена со пријатен глас, која исто така се обиде да поразговара со неа. Ги отвори очите за момент, колку да го забележи нејзиниот пријатен лик, и потоа повторно се врати на запалката. Мора да успее, татко ѝ така ѝ рече! А татко ѝ не лажеше никогаш!
Жената престана да се обидува, па само замолкна и остана да седи покрај неа. Како што и претпоставуваше, по половина час напрегање, девојчето конечно заспа.
„Кутрото тоа...“, помисли таа додека го внесуваше малото беспомошно суштество во таксито. Не ја ни забележа запалката, која падна од отпуштените дланки на задното седиште. На излегување, таксистот викна по неа:
– Госпоѓо, си ја заборавивте запалката!
– Јас не пушам – одговори таа кратко и влезе во центарот за сирачиња.
Изутрина, на главната страница на весниците осамна натпис:
Петгодишно девојче една недела живеело само во куќата со лешот на својата мајка, која починала од предозираност со хероин.
Сите ја жалеа судбината на девојчето, кое пред само една година го изгубило и својот татко во сообраќајна несреќа.__
Nenad Joldeski offers two atmospheric tales
Skopje. Corrected discourse.
Fine rain is falling outside. One half of the city is under water, the other floats wounded on the city lake. A bird flies into the half-open roller blind. The third today. Beside me lies the borrowed book on Brueghel. I remember Landscape with the Fall of Icarus. It’s strange that I can’t think of Brueghel without his name triggering an association with Williams.
“According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring.”
I look for the painting inside. It’s not there. Instead, I gaze at The Hunters in the Snow. This must be the tenth time I’ve seen it as if by chance. Several times with Olivia, and several by myself. I’m starting to believe it portends something apocalyptic. The winter, perhaps. Whatever . . .
The drizzle stops. I go outside. The city, dark clouds and fog hanging over it, walks its phantasms along the mute, foggy avenues. It smells of winter. An icy north wind deflects off the buildings. Ice quickly forms at the edges of the sidewalks.
I take the street that leads steeply down into the heart of the city. I’m not really sure where this route will take me. Through the heavy drapes оf smog and fog I sense a pack of tired and ravenous dogs following me. I tremble with fear and stop short. The dogs don’t notice me in the mist and pass by. I notice three hunters following them, with rifles. Ravens fly past overhead. The men take aim and fire several shots. One of the bullets pierces glass. Nothing falls to the ground. Fortunately they don’t notice me. I decide to continue on through the thick fog in search of somewhere to hide. I find the nearest store and slip inside. Through the shopwindow I watch the hunters and the ravenous hounds melt into the mist. The storekeeper lies dead. I hurry home as fast as I can.
A raven, certainly lost in the thick fog, crashes into the window and breaks the glass, and then flies half dead into the room. A whiteness starts to fill the interior. I notice a message on the raven’s leg.
Don’t go outside, I’m dreaming of the hunters, they’re relieving their hunger, venting their defeat.—Olivia
I lock the door. The Brueghel book still lies on the table. Ravens are colonizing the room. I make tea and settle comfortably in the armchair. Glad to be alive. I wait for her to wake up.
To my father
and all who will believe
The summer that came after the death of my grandfather gave birth to a fiery well inside my father. The red chasm that he claimed was melting his soul and heating it to incandescence came out through his eyes and spewed flames at anyone who looked at him. He found no way to quench that fire. Something was happening inside my father—one sun was going down and another, even hotter and more dangerous, was rising—and although medicine claimed the opposite and skeptically poured water and ash onto the embers of his soul, the fire continued to smolder inside. He thought back to his youth, he dressed up my mother in clothes that had long ceased to fit her, and she, not wanting to contradict his mania, obeyed like a small child. We all knew that the torrid abyss forming within him, powerful and apocalyptic, would not last long, but none of us were bold enough to anticipate the scars it would leave.
My father started going out less and less, and when he did, he hid in the shadows of the houses and passed like a ghost along the margins without being seen. I watched him flit beneath the eaves and levitate about the roofs with my grandfather’s old parasol trailing behind. Sometimes he would dive into the black river and was gone for hours, only to emerge from it in the end dry and dejected. In the nights he looked at the moon and confused it with his enemy, the eye of the universe, which slowly and furtively crept up through his conversations, leaving ash on the floor—traces he returned to at dawn. In his mornings awash with sweat we coldly watched his anxiety; we all hoped the summer would soon end and the elemental forces of fall would bring him back to the circle of existence.
But when fall came, my father continued to loiter around the house and only occasionally stopped down in the stone basements until, cold and somber, they reminded him of my grandfather. Then he also started to complain about his heels. When he trod, he left traces of black on the floor and claimed that everything in him was turning to coals and ash. My mother measured his steps, fanned his neck, and served him cold beer, but nothing helped. One day, probably considering us and his hopeless situation, he disappeared.
The days that followed, chill and gray, cast his remains into our house, leaving us less and less space for living. The foundations started to give way, the walls lost their colors, the warmth vanished, and only past memories, smells, and smiles of that great miracle worker collected in the corners. My brother and I searched for him everywhere and paced wild-eyed through the pale light of the waning days, hoping to find a trace of him sometime. And just when it seemed everything would fall apart and our paltry lives would topple into the void of his absence and vanish forever in the ruins, warmth miraculously returned to our home. For days we sat despondently at the windows and watched ice take hold of the streets, filling the asphalt chasms of the city, and we hoped it was a herald of his coming.
My father returned together with the first snow in late January, on the day of his fifty-eighth birthday: smaller, tiny, and chilled to the bone. The fiery well had been covered with snow, he claimed, and that layer of white now concealed everything that could make a semblance of his previous life. He tried to create a reminiscence of the past months, to melt the snow by throwing salt on it, but all his efforts collapsed into the pit of oblivion, lost their ground, and slid away. And he simply could not recall what had happened to him all the time he was gone.
For days, my father dug through the labyrinths of his memories, cleared away the snow and broke the ice on the frozen flagstones, beneath which all the warmth and the smells of his onetime memories now faintly shimmered. He found the cat and stole its spot, woke it from its slumber and conquered its territory, laying down his own laws and jurisdiction, only to ultimately meditate on warmth, in the belief that cats always choose the warmest place in a house. He would say with soft elation that he was going out for a walk, but instead, when he thought no one was watching, he shrank and broke into the family albums. And only then, wallowing about in the photos, could he daydream of my grandfather’s garden, the old trees that once flowed with honey, my mother in youthful rapture hiding her face with a pillow in the small student room in Skopje . . . Hundreds of split-seconds broken down into tiny decimals, the right to one more day, the balance of his life set against other laws. Only during those brief visits did his rickety worlds gain stability, take on color, levitate weightlessly, and lift him into the air like a soap bubble in an innocent childhood fantasy. But the balloons soon sagged from the weight of the memories, the photographs faded, and everything fell apart into a million trivial details, which returned my father to the living room, back to his cold labyrinths. Covered all over with cobwebs of the past and the sticky illusions of reminiscences, he pottered sadly about the room. He nervously wiped those sticky threads of yore from his face and passed us by as if we didn’t exist, taking us for apparitions—value-added tax on the price of his life.
One day he decided to stop mortifying himself with those painful wanderings through the albums. He shut himself away in his old office and finally found peace among the files and folders. In that little room he made cults of the inventory and saw the statements of condition and success as a parity between number and letter, sign and new designation. He looked through the old bookkeeping accounts and claimed that the figures reflected opportune expenditure on the story, secret codes that could be deciphered into sentences. He composed new statements and new narrative reports—these were the straw he clutched at, his last link with the past. It was a sham: he multiplied pale memories by the free associations of the reports, and then secretly injected that concoction of fiction and rickety memories, that new lie of his life, into his hearth, which lay extinguished and blanketed in white in the cellar of his soul. He wrote, and as the stories about him grew, he diminished, withered, and melted into the notes.
My mother, brother, and I observed the office for days and definitely saw his shadow through the window. We watched it go down at dawn and rise again at night, and we saw it shrink more and more every day until all that remained of him was a faint spot on the window—the last sign of my father’s existence, his signature, a trace of the quenched embers of his last hot summer.
"Magla" and "Ogan," from Sekoj so svoeto ezero. © Nenad Joldeski. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Will Firth. All rights reserved.
Rumena Bužarovska observes a woman give her pretentious doctor husband a taste of his own medicine
Although he’s a gynecologist, my husband likes to pretend he’s an artist, and that’s just one of the things about him that annoy me. Actually, I don’t remember exactly when most of the things he does and says started to bug me, but I can distinguish this one as one of my main peeves. For example, when we have people over he tells them that he “dabbles in art” but isn’t an “artist” in the true sense of the word, which gives a false impression of modesty. And we have people over regularly. I really wish we didn’t, because it involves cooking and cleaning both before and after their visits. My husband insists on the food being plentiful as a way of showing we are a supposedly functional family. During those abundant dinners, which take place in our living room at the low table between the settee, the couch, and the armchair, where we can seat four others as well as us, I’m the one who has to serve the guests and am mostly stationed in the kitchen, so when I come out to join them and chat for a minute I have to sit on a stool. I always lie and say it’s quite comfortable. Meanwhile, he talks with the guests and mainly tells them about himself. Since it’s considered improper to speak about pussies, which are the basis of all his knowledge, he talks to them about his “art,” meaning the oil paintings that he does in one of the rooms of our apartment, his “atelier.” As a result, our two children, who are constantly at each other’s throats, have to share a room. His paintings are extremely amateurish. The colors are murky, subdued, and depressing. Every time he makes a wrong stroke, he plasters over it with a new layer of paint. His canvases therefore resemble large pats of vomit—each is like a copious, undigested, masticated meal that has come up to say hello. He considers his paintings “abstract” and thinks they “express emotional states of alarm and elation,” but in fact they represent what he knows best: vaginas, from the inside and out. I presume other people realize that, at least those with a bit more nous.
The second topic at these dinners, not surprisingly, are his patients and their health issues. My husband, it should be said, has shed all of his former friends who are outside his line of work. All his friends are also physicians he met at medical school, and their wives are his patients. Together they have “fraternity.” I find the idea of fraternity among men rather ridiculous from today’s perspective. When I was young and my husband and I first met, I liked the idea of him having a faithful circle of friends like that. But I didn’t realize back then what they talk about together. I didn’t realize that they talk about us, their wives. And I think my husband is the worst among them, mainly because of being a gynecologist and enjoying the status of knowing all the intimate details of the wives. Unfortunately I have a terrible, sneaking suspicion that I’m afraid to voice, namely that his friends deliberately take their wives to see my husband because that gives them control over them. If one of his friends has a sexually transmitted disease, my husband can help keep it secret. And if that disease is “the woman’s fault,” he can tell the men before their wife does—if she does at all. This is just my theory, which I’m far from certain about, seeing as this band of men claims their fraternity is “above all else” and that they’d literally do anything for each other. Sometimes I like to think they’re gay and that if we weren’t there, and if there wasn’t such social pressure on them, they’d all get in line, one behind the other, and have a good bang together. That’s how I imagine them at times when they annoy me: stuck together like sardines, like wagons of a train, and doing the lo-co-mo-tion. Except that the first in line has nothing to do with his cock and just holds it in his hand, at a loss. But afterward they alternate so that none in their fraternity misses out. In my fantasies, we women sit at the side and watch them. We do in reality, too. They talk and we look on, or every now and then we whisper recipes to each other when we get tired of their blah. Sometimes the wives also manage to secretly exchange a word or two with my husband in the hall—an extra little consultation regarding their health. “Take a dose of Betadine,” I’d hear, or “Maybe it’s my diet, I don’t know why it keeps coming back.” “Don’t start dieting.” “But I eat healthily. I don’t even smoke anymore.”
He and I met at the gynecological table, when I went to see him for a checkup. He was exceptionally kind and gentle, and his approach fascinated me. I was very, very young—that should be taken into account—and the other gynecologists I’d been to were rough, rude, and generally unpleasant. Not that I had any kind of problem—on the contrary. To begin with, he sat me down in his office and put me at ease with a friendly chat. He was charming. Soothing classical music was playing in the background, and he offered me some herbal tea he’d already made. After I’d relaxed a little, he showed me to a delightful little changing room with beautiful plush white slippers on the floor, a new clothes stand with several rungs, and a lovely white gown I could put on before getting up into the table. And when I climbed up, he said, “Move down, sweetie, move down a bit,” and tenderly took me by the thighs to pull me a little lower. Then he began talking about inserting the speculum, telling me how uncomfortable it was, but he’d be gentle, and he even tried to warm it up so it wouldn’t be unpleasant for me when he put it in. The way he spread my labia before inserting the speculum made a wave of warmth run through me. Then he looked inside, and I followed his face. I found him handsome, the handsomest. His blue eyes looked inside me with an expression as if they were gazing at a sunset over a peaceful lake. I could tell he was moved. “Oh, everything’s perfect. You have such beautiful anatomy,” he said, and repeated it when he was scanning my ovaries. “What a lovely uterus,” he sighed several times. But before we got to the scan, he did something that I now know he also does to other women—perhaps that’s why he’s so popular, in addition to the plush slippers, the beautiful clothes stand, the nice cup of tea, and the amicable manner. His long, delicate fingers probed inside me to check if anything was sore. He apologized many times before doing that, of course, and he explained exactly what he was going to do. But as he poked in his index finger and turned it this way and that, his other fingers tenderly stroked my clitoris. It was lovely. I went back six months later and lied that I had an itch inside. “Everything’s fine, just wonderful,” he said. “I’ve never seen such pure and beautiful anatomy,” he repeated, gazing almost amorously inside me. And so it was every six months, for three years, until one day we met in a bar in town, and he told me in a drunken state that I was the most beautiful patient with the most beautiful “how should I put it . . . it begins with C” he had ever seen. Then he told me I couldn’t be his patient anymore after him saying that, but I could be his girlfriend. A few months later he told me I could be his wife, and I accepted. I was twenty-two, he was thirty-eight. I’m still his patient today.
His paintings are the main catalyst for our arguments, but not the actual reason for them. The reason is more complex, and here’s another example: once my husband and I were talking about art. He sees himself as a kind of Chekhov, of course, someone who was a doctor but later became famous for actually being a great artist. We spoke about our favorite writers, painters, musicians, and I started to talk about how much I like the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Suddenly, it seemed something occurred to him.
“Have you ever noticed that all great artists are men?” he said.
That had struck me before, and I felt it was a sore point. Disappointed, I replied affirmatively.
“And why do you think that’s so?”
I started to ruminate. I couldn’t immediately come up the line I’d blast him with today: women never had the conditions to be creative. They were simply not allowed to, when they had to stay at home all day and wipe the crap off children’s butts, as I did too, while he went gallivanting off to conferences in China, Africa, and the rest of Europe, gaining inspiration.
“Um, er—” I stammered, which I now greatly regret.
“It’s because men are the spirit, and women the body. Men are creative, women are practical. Men look to the stars, women forage for their families. Women cannot be artists—it’s not in their nature.”
I got very offended but didn’t know how to reply to him. I was twenty-something, if that can serve as my defense today.
“Come on. Name just one great female writer. With the standing of Dostoyevsky, Chekov, or Hemingway, for example,” he said.
“Well, Marguerite Yourcenar,” I proffered, for she was the only one who occurred to me just then.
“She doesn’t count. She was a lesbian,” he replied and went off to the toilet, where he stayed for fifteen minutes to shit. I had to go and pick up our son from kindergarten and we never continued the conversation, in which I’d have mentioned hundreds of male artists who were gay, like his favorite composer Tchaikovsky, for example.
His ideas about the greatness of the artist and his own desire to become one emerged long ago, but he only started painting much later, after he “became aware,” as he put it. He actually started to paint intensively after the birth of our second child—eight years ago, in other words. By then I’d become a bit more thick-skinned and stopped fearing him so much. When he first started painting, I was conditioned to sing his praises. I told him his paintings were very beautiful and that he truly had talent. He blushed with happiness whenever I said things like that and, as if he had a lump in his throat or was about to burst out crying, he gazed at the finished canvas with tears in his eyes. “I’ve always wanted to be a painter!” he’d exclaim. “I vacillated between medicine and art. But my father made me follow in his footsteps. And now—destiny,” he repeated exultantly. I was amazed he said things like that to me, his wife; he didn’t need to put on a show with me.
Later I started to ignore his paintings, and several years ago I finally began to tell him I didn’t like them at all. The last time we quarreled, I told him in a moment of anger that they looked like ugly, blotchy twats, and when they weren’t like that they looked like omelets or pats of vomit. He got offended like never before.
“At least it’s a form of expression,” he said. “And what do you do?”
“Expression? Sure—you squeeze the tube and it comes pooping out,” I told him.
He almost flew into a rage. You could just see him flush red, but he’s able to control his temper, as if he just swallows it down, and within ten seconds his face had returned to normal.
“How witty we are today,” he sneered, not knowing what else to say. “It’s a shame you’re not a writer,” he went on, knowing I’d always wanted to write. He could see I was upset and continued to torment me.
“Oh, I was forgetting that you write poetry. Why don’t you read me one of your ditties so I can get to be the critic?” he flung at me caustically and laughed triumphantly, because he’d never read any of my poems. I’d never given him them for one simple reason, which now I no longer wanted to hide from him. I went to the bedroom and, from under the bed, took out the sheets of paper with the poetry I secretly wrote while he was at work. I gave him the last poem and told him to read it aloud.
He lies beside me
but I dream of you
your nightly flower
opens up for me
you moan like the winds
o my dearest rose
your nectar hive hints
of pleasures no one knows
My husband’s jaw set and looked a bit dislocated to the right when he finished reading. His eyes were wide open and he looked at me fixedly, pale in the face.
“The rhyme’s a bit forced,” I said to him cynically. “Sorry to disappoint you."
“No, I’m not disappointed,” he replied. “I was expecting it to be shit.”
"Нектар" © Rumena Bužarovska. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Will Firth. All rights reserved.
&nbИако е гинеколог, мојот маж се обидува да се претставува како уметник, а тоа е само една од работите што ме нервира кај него. Всушност, не се сеќавам кога точно почнаа да ме нервираат повеќето работи што ги прави и зборува, но оваа можам да ја издвојам како една од најглавните. На пример, на гостите што доаѓаат кај нас им кажува дека „се занимава со уметност“, но дека не е „уметник“ во вистинската смисла на зборот, со тоа лажно прикажувајќи се како скромен. Кај нас многу често доаѓаат гости. Од моја страна, тоа е непожелно, бидејќи вклучува готвење и чистење пред и по нивното доаѓање. Мојот маж инсистира јадењето да е обилно, со тоа сакајќи да покаже колку сме ние всушност функционални како семејство. Нормално, во текот на таквите обилни вечери, кои се одвиваат во нашата дневна соба, на ниската маса што стои помеѓу троседот, двоседот и фотелјата, во кои можат да се сместат уште четворица покрај нас двајца, јас сум таа којашто треба да ги служи гостите, и главно сум стационирана во кујната, па кога ќе дојдам да приседнам со нив за малку да поразговараме, морам да седам на табуретка, за која секогаш лажам дека ми е сосема комотна. Во меѓувреме тој си разговара со гостите и главно им зборува за себе. Бидејќи е непристојно да се зборува за пички, што е основата на сè она што тој го познава, им зборува за својата „уметност“, а тоа се неговите слики од масло на платно што ги изработува во една од собите во нашиот стан, неговото „ателје“, поради кое нашите две деца што постојано се тепаат мораат да делат соба. Неговите слики се крајно аматерски. Боите се замачкани, задушени, депресивни. Секојпат кога ќе згреши некој потег, го замачкува со нов слој боја. Така, сликите му личат на големи, тешки блуеници – како несварен, обилен, изџвакан оброк што се вратил таму од каде што дошол. Тој смета дека неговите слики се „апстрактни“ и дека „изразуваат состојби на емоционална тревога и вознес“, но всушност тие го претставуваат тоа што тој најдобро го знае: пичките, и од внатре, и од надвор. Претпоставувам дека и другите луѓе го забележуваат тоа, барем тие што се попаметни. Сигурна сум дека го викаат „гинекологот што слика пички“ и му се шегуваат зад грб. Но тој тоа сосема го заслужува, па не се вознемирувам ако е тоа така – дури и потајно се надевам дека му се потсмеваат. Но има такви од нашите гости кои барем в лице не го прават тоа, туку напротив, му ласкаат. „Па Вие сте вистински уметник“, му велат, гледајќи ги сликите небаре пред нив стои некое платно на Леонардо. И тогаш тој ја вади таа негова позната фраза: „Не, јас само се занимавам со уметност“ и додава, повторно со лажна скромност „јас сум само еден лекар“, знаејќи точно каков статус има со таквата професија.
Втората тема во текот на вечерата, секако, се неговите пациентки и нивните здравствени проблеми. Мојот маж, вреди да се спомене, ги има изгубено пријателите што се некако надвор од неговата професија. Сите негови пријатели се исто така лекари што ги запознал на факултет, а нивните жени му се пациентки. Заедно тие имаат „братство“. Братствата кај мажите ми се многу смешни од денешна перспектива. Кога бев млада, кога се запознавме со мојот маж, тоа ми беше симпатично, дека има таква верна дружина пријатели. Но тогаш не ми беше јасно што зборуваат меѓу себе. И не ми беше јасно како зборуваат за нас, нивните жени. А мислам дека мојот маж е најлош меѓу нив, главно бидејќи е гинеколог и бидејќи ужива статус на познавање на сите интимности кај жените. За жал, се сомневам во една многу страшна и лоша работа, која ми е страв да ја изустам, а тоа е дека неговите пријатели намерно ги носат своите сопруги кај мојот маж, бидејќи така имаат контрола врз нив. Доколку имаат некоја сексуално пренослива болест, тоа мојот маж може да го скрие од нив. Доколку самите жени се „виновни“ за таа болест, тој тоа може да им го соопшти на мажите, пред тоа да го сторат или да не го сторат сопругите. Ова е само моја теорија во која се сомневам, бидејќи оваа банда мажи тврдат дека нивното братство е „над сè “, и дека буквално сè би направиле еден за друг. Понекогаш помислувам дека се геј. Дека кога не би биле ние, и кога не би имале такви општествени стеги, би се наредиле сите еден зад друг и заемно би си го опнале. Така си ги замислувам понекогаш, кога ме нервираат – залепени еден зад друг како сардини, како вагони од воз, како сите мрдаат во ист ритам. Само што првиот нема што да прави со курот и си го држи во рака, разочарано. Па после се менуваат, за да не остане некој покус во нивното братство. Во моите фантазии, ние жените седиме на страна и ги гледаме. Така правиме и во реалноста. Тие зборуваат, а ние ги гледаме, или понекогаш си шепкаме рецепти меѓу нас, кога ќе ни досадат нивните муабети. Понекогаш и сопругите успеваат да разменат по некој таен збор со мојот маж, во ходникот, како дополнителна консултација за нивното здравје. „Земи една доза бетадин“ ќе наслушнам, или „можеби е до исхраната, не знам зошто секогаш ми се појавува“. „Немој да држиш диети“. „Ама многу здраво се хранам. Еве веќе и не пушам“.
Јас и тој се запознавме на гинеколошки стол, коа отидов кај него на преглед. Беше исклучително добар и нежен, и неговиот пристап ме воодушеви. Бев многу, многу млада – и тоа треба да се земе предвид – другите гинеколози кај кои претходно имав отидено беа груби и лоши и непријатни. Не дека имав некој проблем – напротив. Прво ме седна во неговата канцеларија и ме опушти со еден шармантен, човечки разговор. Во позадина имаше пуштено многу пријатна класична музика, ми понуди овошен чај, кој веќе го беше подготвил. Откако малку се подопуштив, ми покажа каде да се пресоблечам – беше тоа една прекрасна мала соблекувална, со убави бели меки папучки на подот, нова закачалка на повеќе нивоа за облеката, еден убав бел мантил што можев да го облечам пред да се качам на гинеколошкиот стол. И кога се качив таму, тој ми велеше, „подолу душичке, ајде малку подолу душичке“, и нежно ме пипкаше по бутините за да ме поттурне надолу. Потоа почна да разговара со мене додека го ставаше спекулумот, кажувајќи ми колку е тој непријатен, но тој ќе биде нежен, и дури се обидуваше да го затопли за да не ми биде неубаво кога ќе влезе во мене. Начинот на кој ми ги рашири усничките пред да го стави спекулумот ми предизвика нешто топло да ми се придвижи во душата. И потоа тој погледна внатре, а јас го гледав в лице. Ми се виде убав, најубав, преубав. Сините очи гледаа внатре во мене со еден поглед чиниш гледаат залез над мирно езеро. Лицето како да му се разнежни. „Ах, совршено е сè. Имате преубава анатомија“, ми рече тој, а тоа го повторуваше и кога со ехо ми ги проверуваше јајниците. „Имате прекрасна матка“, ми рече неколкупати. Но пред да стигнеме кај ехото, тој направи нешто што сега знам дека им го прави и на други жени – можеби и затоа е толку популарен, покрај меките папучки, убавата закачалка, чајчето, пријателскиот однос. Со неговите долги, нежни прсти, ме буцкаше внатре за да провери дали имам некакви болки. Се разбира, ми се извини многу пати пред да ми го направи тоа, и ми објасни што точно ќе ми прави. Но како што го брцна внатре показалецот, и го вртеше лево-десно, со другите прсти нежно ми го галеше клиторисот. Ми беше убаво. Се вратив по шест месеци, лажејќи дека нешто внатре ме чеша. „Прекрасно е сè, прекрасно“, велеше тој. „Не сум видел ваква чиста и убава анатомија“, повторуваше, речиси вљубено гледајќи во мојата внатрешност. И така секои шест месеци, три години, сè додека еднаш не се сретнавме во едно од градските кафулиња, и во пијана состојба ми рече дека сум била најубавата пациентка со најубавата „како да ти кажам... почнува на П“ што ја видел дотогаш. Потоа ми рече дека по оваа изјава јас не можам да му бидам веќе пациентка, но можам да му бидам девојка. И по неколку месеци ми рече дека можам да му бидам и жена, а јас прифатив. Имав дваесет и две години. Тој имаше триесет и осум. Јас сè уште сум негова пациентка.
Сликите се главниот повод за нашите расправии, но не и причината за нив. Причината е повеќеслојна, но еве уште еден пример: еднаш јас и мојот маж зборувавме за уметност. Се разбира, тој се гледа себеси како некој Чехов, некој што бил лекар, но подоцна станал познат по тоа што всушност бил голем уметник. Зборувавме за нашите омилени писатели, сликари, музичари, а јас почнав да зборувам за тоа колку ми се допаѓа поезијата на Силвија Плат. Нему како одеднаш нешто да му светна.
„Дали си забележала дека сите големи уметници се мажи?“, ми рече.
Тоа ми имаше паднато в очи и претходно, и го чувствував како болна точка. Со разочараност одговорив потврдно.
„Што мислиш, зошто е тоа така?“
Почнав да размислувам. Не можев веднаш да го срочам тоа што сега рафално би му го испукала в лице: дека жените никогаш немале услови да бидат креативни. Дека тоа едноставно не им било допуштено, кога по цел ден седеле дома и ги бришеле гомната од газињата на децата, како што правев и јас додека тој шеташе по конференции по Кини, Африки, Европи, и се инспирираше.
„Па...“, запелтечив, за што сега многу се каам.
„Тоа е затоа што мажите се духот, жените се телото. Мажите се креативните, жените се практичните. Мажите гледаат горе, жените гледаат долу. Жените не можат да бидат уметници – тоа не им е својствена природа.“
Многу се навредив ама не знаев како да му одговорам. Имав дваесет и три-четири години, ако тоа може денес да ми послужи како одбрана.
„Ајде. Кажи ми некоја многу голема писателка. Од рангот на Достоевски, на Чехов, на Хемингвеј, на пример“, ми рече.
„Па еве, Маргерит Јурсенар“, му кажав, оти само на неа ми текна во тој момент.
„Не се важи. Лезбејка била“, ми одговори и влезе во тоалетот, каде што се задржа петнаесет минути за да кака, а јас морав да излезам да го земам синот од градинка и никогаш не го продолживме разговорот, во кој јас ќе му наведев стотици машки уметници кои биле геј, како неговиот омилен композитор Чајковски, на пример.
Идеите за величината на уметникот и желбата и тој да стане уметник кај него се јавија одамна, но почна да слика дури многу подоцна, откако се „осозна“, како што самиот велеше. Всушност, почна интензивно да слика откако се роди нашето второ дете – значи пред осум години. Дотогаш веќе малку и отрпнав и престанав толку да му се плашам. Кога почна да слика, истренирана само да му пеам славопојки, му велев дека сликите се многу убави, и дека навистина има талент. Тој црвенееше од среќа кога ќе кажев таква работа и, како секој миг да ќе подголтне или ќе прсне во плач, со насолзени очи гледаше во завршеното платно. „Отсекогаш сум сакал да бидам сликар!“, велеше. „Се двоумев меѓу медицина и уметничко. Ама татко ми ме натера да тргнам по неговите стапки. И ете – судбина“, повторуваше вознесено. Се чудев како и мене ми зборува вакви работи, сопругата пред која не мораше да се преправа.
Потоа почнав да ги игнорирам неговите слики, и конечно пред неколку години почнав да му кажувам дека воопшто не ми се допаѓаат. Последниот пат кога се скаравме, во момент на бес му реков дека личат на грди, размачкани пички, а кога не личат на тоа, личат на омлет или на блуеница. Се навреди како никогаш дотогаш.
„Јас барем творам“, ми рече. „А ти, што правиш?“
„Твориш ко што творат творовите“, му реков.
Тој побесни. Се виде како го облеа руменило, а од што знае да се воздржи, истото како да го голтна, и лицето му се врати во нормала по десетина секунди.
„Многу си духовита нешто денес“, рече без да знае што друго да ми каже. „Штета што не си писател“, рече, знаејќи дека отсекогаш сум сакала да пишувам. Виде дека се вознемирив и продолжи да ме тормози.
„Уф, заборавив дека пишуваш поезија. Што не ми прочиташ некоја од твоите песнички за да можам и јас да критикувам?“, зајадливо ми префрлаше и триумфално се смееше, бидејќи моите песни никогаш ги немаше прочитано. Никогаш не му ги имав дадено од една проста причина која веќе не сакав да ја кријам од него. Отидов во спалната и од под креветот ги извадив листовите со поезијата што скришум ја пишував додека тој беше на работа. И му ја дадов последната песна. Му реков да чита на глас.
Тој лежи до мене
а јас те сонувам
твојот ноќен цвет
за мене се отвора
ти јачиш ко ветар
ружо моја најмила
од твојот нектар
и вечерва би се напила
Вилицата на мојот сопруг се здрви и малку како да се помести на десно кога престана со читањето. Очите му беа ширум отворени и втренчено ме гледаше, а во лицето беше блед.
„Римата не е баш правилна“, му реков цинично. „Извини што те разочарав“.
„Не“, ми рече тој. „Не сум разочаран. Очекував дека ќе е срање.“
Among the many traditions observed at the New Year—eating Hoppin' John for luck, stocking the larder to assure twelve months of abundance, lurching for the aspirin—making resolutions may be at the top. Many greet the clean slate of a new year by pledging to chalk up only virtue and moderation, vowing to wipe out bad habits across the board. If you're not quite ready to embrace this pious trend, we invite you to welcome January with a sampler of bad behavior, an array of crimes and misdemeanors around the world.
It will come as no surprise that substance abuse plays a role in several of the tales here. Andrei Krasniashikh depicts an inebriated soccer fan whose drunken confusion over the results of a match turns out to be one of his more benign errors. As one fumble leads to another, we see the losses mount well beyond the playing field.
In another view of alcoholic excess, Brazil's Felipe Franco Munhoz finds a small-town couple at the intersection of literature and liquor. Working their way through books and whisky, they run out of the latter. The ill-advised combination of William Faulkner and Jack Daniels, with an Internet research chaser, proves combustible, demonstrating the risk of GWI (Googling While Intoxicated).
While some of this month’s villains are three sheets to the wind, others’ misbehavior requires the clearest of heads. Polish journalist Hanna Krall trains her sharp eye on a small-time con woman. As she fleeces neighbors and coworkers, dodging creditors and borrowing from Piotr to pay Pawel, she pauses between marks to recite her poetry. Only later does Krall discover her boldest scam.
Some of the worst trangressions are those committed in the most common of settings. Positions of authority often invite abuse, as seen in Amy Yamada's hard look at the balance of power in the classroom. When a former teacher is accused of inappropriate relationships with female students, a young woman flashes back to her own involvement with him. Questions of culpability and intention—"Did he harm me?" she asks, rhetorically but also incredulously—have no easy answers.
Jean-Marie Blas de Roblès looks in as a factory supervisor spies on his workers. He's monitoring not the assembly line but the locker room, looking not to increase their efficiency but to jump-start his own desire; yet his surreptitious exploitation of his employees does not go unnoticed.
Alejandro Saravia's homeless Caribbean immigrant dreams of wealth and fame. When he makes the wrong deal, he ends up where he began on the mean streets of Montreal.
And Guiseppe Berto steps inside one of the most famous betrayals in literature, imagining the Last Supper from the perspective of the treacherous Judas. Guilt, betrayal, faith, and death swirl in this portrayal of a Judas motivated not by evil but by devotion.
Whatever your plans for 2017, we hope you'll find these examples of bad behavior a bracing start to the new year. One of our favorite New Year's traditions is to do something related to one's work, and do it successfully. With this in mind, we'll be reading literature in translation—and hoping you'll be doing the same. We invite you to start with these and other portraits of international behavior, bad and otherwise, found in our pages this month and throughout the year.
© 2017 by Susan Harris. All rights reserved.
Hanna Krall makes the rounds with a con woman
In the elevator with Małgorzata P. We are going down to the ground floor, but first stop on the seventh, where the door flings open. Małgorzata P. freezes in terror—the woman who delivers milk lives on the seventh—but luckily someone else gets in. The sixth is a joke, Małgorzata has paid off her debt here and the elevator can stop, for all she cares. Once we get through Mr. Burek on the third we are home free.
With Małgorzata P. to see Mariola at the store. Mariola works in the children’s clothing section. She was expecting Małgorzata P. before five, but now it is six already and Mariola is certain to get angry and yell at us. Zbyszek sent the three thousand zloty for Mariola that Małgorzata P. is now clutching tight in her sweaty palm inside her skirt pocket. “Like hell I’ll give it all back,” she says. “I won’t get a receipt.” But now we are getting really close to Mariola’s register, you can see the line and, besides, Mariola deserves a good deal of gratitude for offering the money as soon as she heard the woman from 30A screaming that she had been cheated. The woman from 30A had been given a receipt as a guarantee—the receipt was for three thousand zloty, with a crafty stamp forged by the meticulous locksmith Mr. Staszek, who unfortunately made a mistake and stamped the date of May 13 instead of May 12. The woman accepted the receipt; reassured, she calmly took the elevator, but on her way down it dawned on her that it was the twelfth. And that evening she returned with her husband and threatened to call the police. Mariola happened to be around and felt so bad for Małgorzata she left to fetch the three thousand zloty. The next day it turned out that the money had come from Mariola’s cash register. She has to replace it quickly, only how? Last night—which was quite nice and calm once the woman from 30A had stopped screaming, and also because Mariola had not yet cooled off after her good deed and wasn’t furious or making threats—last night, after everyone had gone to bed, Małgorzata sat down to record yet another day:
From my home all the doors had gone.
In my home there were no heirlooms
or cabinets with wax masks of forebears.
Through my home an angel passed. And all sins.
My windows looked out on the rains.
In my home one kept appearances.
And all felt out of sorts. Had thoughts and chills.
From moldy windowpanes to the Lord’s Prayer.
Today Zbyszek brought home his wages and said, “Pay back Mariola first and foremost. She has a big heart.” But Małgorzata P. said in reply, “If I give her back all 3K, we will have only one left.” Zbyszek repeated sternly, “I’m asking you, give it all back.” He took Wojtek, their baby boy, into his arms. “And I’m asking you, quite logically, I give back the three thousand and then what?” Małgorzata asked again and put the money in her pocket, but then said, “I’m going, but don't open the door to anyone.” And now we are bringing the three thousand zloty to Mariola.
Seeing the line, Małgorzata P. beckons to Mariola, who then comes over to us. “What do I do?” Małgorzata whispers. “Give it back?” At the last moment she cracks and takes out of her pocket just two of the three banknotes. “Mariola, my dear, I’ll drop by with the rest tomorrow, you’ll see.” Mariola looks at the items she left on the counter and says sternly, “It’s the last time. You hear me, Ms. Małgorzata?” Happy and sweaty, we slip back into the street with a thousand zloty still left. But already Małgorzata P. is whispering, “That woman has got some nerve.” This is all getting Małgorzata P. completely mixed up: first Mariola showed a big heart giving her the money, now she secretly regrets it and demands to be paid back. “I know, I know,” Małgorzata P. remembers as she heads home, “Mariola has a big heart.” But she slows down with each step, and at the very front door she turns back because she forgot cigarettes. (My house won’t meet me half way. / The past, in which it drifts, / is too vast . . . ). Now we are getting far from home again, walking to the newsstand, where Mariola won’t hear a peep, no Romek crying, Januszek wetting his diapers, Wojtek whining for food, or Dorota complaining about anyone, and where no doorbells ring or elevators whirr—in the street nothing awaits us but safe hot silence.
From some place up high my lost self will run
down the wooden steps—in silence deep
as woods I can again meet myself
But then she has bought everything, even the matches, and cannot think of anything else to add, and so this time we are definitely getting home (My home is now everywhere, / It has spread like an epidemic, / All the homes are homesick . . . ). In a rush we press the elevator button to go up and pass the fifth then the seventh floor and then ring the doorbell as agreed, three times, for Zbyszek to open the door.
Zbyszek was shy as a virgin when they met. His eyes were light brown, so light they seemed hazel at times. But then each day they darkened a bit and now some days are black as coal, so black she can’t bear to look.
Zbyszek grew up in a proper home, cared for by a mother who was religious and taught him to be humble and honest, and to tell the truth. Zbyszek accepts everything with humility: Her child, born out of wedlock and handicapped, locked up in an institution; their living together, which was her idea, even though it is a great sin; her poetry and all the foibles that make her family so unlike the others. There is just one thing that Zbyszek cannot stomach: his wife’s lies and schemes. And Małgorzata P. knows it’s those lies and schemes that have turned his eyes pitch black.
In the night’s slippery vaulted pit
Smallish and plain I slog round streets more winding than words
The sooner I get away from myself
The sooner I can come home . . .
The streets prayed for me
Fervid rosaries for years.
And tragic specters stretched ad infinitum
Death will arrive on the last tram from the suburbs
Quietly and suddenly . . .
The meanest trick she pulled was the one at Zbyszek’s factory, the Energy Project. It happened right after they had paid off their debts, and before Christmas, when she had two days to buy gifts for her children.
All her children were born prematurely, half-dead. And once your first four die after being born, what do you care about right or wrong? She must buy baby formula and fruit, and if Zbyszek does not make enough for it all, she must borrow.
How to borrow money from people? No one believes in children going hungry; a mother’s illness sounds more likely but brings too little money, unless it’s a funeral, but no, pregnancy works best. Małgorzata P. tells people she is pregnant again, five kids at home and her husband is so religious he won’t consent to an abortion, she must do it in secret, but the private doctor wants his money upfront.
This time, the plan works magic. Once people hear “religious husband,” they lend two thousand on the spot. Małgorzata P. says two thousand zloty is easier to borrow than two hundred. If you ask for just two hundred, they take you for a beggar. Around here everyone hates beggars. People feel good about themselves when they lend two thousand to a pious man’s wife, and besides, they figure that to borrow such a big sum you must have the money to pay them back.
And so she borrowed for the abortion—on the seventh floor, from the woman who distributes milk. On the fifth, from Mr. Burek’s friends. And on her own floor, from the people who live one door down from the elevator. But when her neighbors began to talk among themselves and discovered that she took them not so much for decent folk as for easy prey, they went berserk. “Nothing frightens people like being taken for fools,” she tells me. “When they realized they’d been tricked, by a simpleton like me, they all showed up screaming and brought the police.” She had to give everything back immediately and again was short to buy formula; what’s worse, Zbyszek stayed out on the balcony in the freezing cold that entire night. The next day she did the unthinkable: She went to Zbyszek’s workplace and told the abortion story to four different men. Without the slightest hesitation, they lent her fifteen hundred zloty each. She paid off her debts, bought Zbyszek a record, “A Soldier Marches through Woods and Forests,” since he likes military songs, and then still had some money left for Christmas.
She did pay off her debt at the factory, but only after she borrowed even more from Mr. Michał, the welding instructor.
“With all that goes on,” she says, “I always thought I wouldn't be able to live with myself, but I do. I scribble a poem and life goes on.”
With a square table between us
We sat down to an eternal watch
In silence everything becomes
More of a holiday
Even our greenhouse smiles
Served at the square table
Taste of redolent summer
From two ends of the square table
Set with regret, with grudges
Smooth smiles, smooth words
And a dead silence between us.
Małgorzata P. reads out loud while Basia, her friend from the technical school at the railway, sits in an armchair and listens. From time to time, Małgorzata P. says, “Six spoons of milk formula, Basia, one egg, sugar, that’s for Wojtek.” And Basia bottle feeds the baby, out of her own free will, just to hear Małgorzata P.’s poems, which she adores, and then sits back again and stretches her long legs, the longest legs in their class, and lights a More cigarette, one of those thin, brown ones that cost forty-five cents each in a store that only accepts American dollars, but then she can afford it with what her father makes transporting and delivering meat. Basia listens attentively to Małgorzata P.: “The frost was frightful and a loud bang split the air, but walls and international conventions kept us safe. Yet in the houses with less heat many lovers froze that year . . . Basia, Romek needs to go potty!” Małgorzata calls out and Basia asks, “Ms. Małgorzata, now is that poetry or prose?”
It was Basia who let in Mr. Michał, the welding instructor, when he came to collect his debt, even though they had warned her: Open only when you hear two rings for Małgorzata, three for Zbyszek, four for Mr. Staszek who forges stamps. But she opened the door, silly goose, after just one ring. Seeing Basia’s legs, Mr. Michał rushed off to fetch cheap Vermouth. They drank and when Mr. Michał had to use the bathroom, he stumbled upon a treasure: a photographic camera and a lens. The day after the Vermouth binge, Zbyszek walked into the bathroom, and yelled, “For Christ’s sake, the lens!” In that very instance Małgorzata P. thought she could just about die, and since it was almost May, the time had finally come for Małgorzata P.’s Master Plan for a Complete Life Makeover.
May is a time of First Communion. Each Sunday, one hundred and eighty children will gather at the local parish to receive their first holy communion. And what does every child want as a souvenir, if not a group picture with a priest and a religion teacher in the middle. Each postcard-size color photo costs seventy zloty.
So if we do the count. “My god,” Małgorzata P. whispers, “my god. It’ll cover all my debts, my past due rent, and payments for Tomek’s specialized clinic.”
The First Communion day is coming up on Sunday.
But already since Monday Małgorzata P. has been overwhelmed by the tremendous, tremendous urge to die.
should be committed after breakfast.
At breakfast it is best to drink a glass
Milk is rich in vitamin A.
Vitamin A protects against eye
The eye is to behold.
And we should behold
should be done most quietly.
as a fly passes through
a violin string;
releasing a fuzzy sound or perhaps
All leftover bread
should be thrown to birds.
So that they can live on.
And so we’re off with Małgorzata P. to see Mr. Michał, the welding instructor. Małgorzata P. is afraid to get out of the taxi. She has tried everything: Tomek’s illness (worth a week of delay), the stamped receipt (a week), the return of the receipt (two weeks), her mother’s death (four weeks in all, because the formalities to cover funeral costs take long), two months altogether since she last gave her word of honor to pay off her debt. Małgorzata P. stays in the taxi while I talk to Mr. Michał and pat his arm with a demure, ingratiating smile, “You’re a good man, I can see it in your eyes. You’ll give Małgorzata back her lens, won’t you?” Mr. Michał disappears, then comes back with a friend—to be his witness, no doubt—but then, thank god, hands me the Jampol-Color as if it is no big deal. “Careful,” he says. The lens costs thirteen hundred, but he won’t settle even for six. He will come for his money on Monday.
With Małgorzata P. over bitter rowanberry vodka—we bought it on our way home, forgetting that today is already Wednesday, the thirty-first of May, and there are no more Sundays left. But then suddenly it dawns on us that today is the day to pay up and the lenders will start ringing the doorbell any minute.
“Zbyszek has to leave me,” Małgorzata P. whispers. “He can’t stay honest or resolute or strong when I’m around. He must leave, it’s practically written in his eyes, did you notice? He doesn’t know it yet, has no clue, but he has been leaving me from one day to the next, each minute . . . (Pity, even as you leave, may you step sprightly and your eyes shine. Let us agree then to keep one very light thing, in a world where all things are heavy . . .). “He won’t leave you alone with five children,” I say. “That’s the thing,” Małgorzata P. replies, worried, “He lacks guts even for that, but I must help him. I should do something so despicable he won’t even have a choice. For instance, maybe I’ll find a lover? It’s an idea, but then I’ll have to first lose weight, get my teeth done, paint my hair, and buy a dress. I don’t have money for that . . . We won’t pierce one another, won’t mold ourselves anew, now only two eyes gape, as two rescue buoys . . . It’s Akhmatova, she’s got some lines that’ll drive you mad. Will you drink with me some more? I’m already a teeny bit less afraid. I don’t want much, but I must have it all, no less, blossoms and you.” Her children climb all over us, into our arms, laps, our handbags. Stifling heat rises from the dark, cramped kitchen and the creditors make the doorbell shriek, but some thirty meters above Małgorzata P.’s apartment a balloon, light as poetry, dances in the breeze. “Эти волосы взял я у ржи, Если хочешь, на палец вяжи - Я нисколько не чувствую боли. Я готов рассказать тебе поле. . . . My fear is almost gone, and so, a toast to Zbyszek’s health, no, to all Zbyszeks, all the hazel-eyed Zbyszeks in the world, if, of course, there are still any left.”
My story about Małgorzata P. appeared in the weekly magazine Polityka. The next day I learned that Małgorzata P. had lied to me as well: The poems she had read were not hers but Ewa Lipska’s. [“I don’t want much . . . ” comes from “A Green Poem” by Władysław Broniewski and the fragment in Russian from “Shagane, oh my Shagane!” by Sergei Yesenin]. I placed a suitable correction to my piece, and yet I felt sad. For in the end, fate had denied Małgorzata P. even this much. Talent. The one thing that makes life bearable.
© Hanna Krall. By arrangement with the Liepman Literary Agency. Translation © 2017 by Ela Bittencourt. All rights reserved.
Andrei Krasniashikh at the intersecton of soccer and drink
Video: Andrei Krasniashikh reads “Haunted Swing.”
Tonight, I’ll roast up some sunflower seeds, a whole bowlful, and plop myself in front of the television to watch the soccer game. Spartak will be playing Dynamo and I’ll be glued to the screen, tossing shells next to the plate, and following the game with bated breath. I’ll be desperately rooting for Spartak, but Dynamo will win, and I’ll so admire Dynamo’s first-rate technique that I won’t feel at all bad when my favorite team loses. And when Pele will kick the third goal into Spartak’s net, I’ll even choke on the seeds and cough for so long that my puffed-out cheeks will turn red—I’ll be tearing up and spraying spit.
After the game, I’ll start calling my friends—devoted fans of Spartak just like me—but each time their wives will pick up and answer that they’re already sleeping, though it’ll only be nine o’clock at night. Then I’ll head to sleep, too, and when I wake up, I won’t bother eating breakfast but will quickly get dressed and run outside, where half-asleep but already cheerful men will be walking up and down the street with signs reading “Spartak!” and “Spartak is the champion!”
I’ll join them and walk back and forth in the street for a bit and then say to one of them that Spartak is, of course, a killer team, but that above all else I appreciate skill and showmanship and not the name of the team and that Dynamo won last night fair and square.
And then the guys will look at me like I’m an idiot and will tell me that I drank too much vodka yesterday and still haven’t sobered up and that Spartak won by a score of 3 to 0, otherwise why would they be out on the street at the crack of dawn like crazy people? And I’ll tell them that they are crazy, and that I haven’t taken a drink of liquor for three months already, not even beer, and not even on holidays, no way, and that I saw with my very own eyes how Spartak got scorched, and that they’re the ones that haven’t sobered up since last night and who kept on drinking through the morning.
The guys will say they were all sitting together in front of the television last night and they remember every goal kicked into Dynamo’s net, and that I must have a serious case of the shakes. And my longtime enemy Sergei, whose wife I once stole—though, to be honest, I didn’t take anyone away, and frankly I’m shocked that anyone could have lived with such a pig—will say that my eyes are not right, it’s not theirs that are alcohol-soaked, but if I want, he can straighten mine out for me. And I’ll say there’s no point in the pot calling the kettle black when his own huge cuckold horns are hanging down over his forehead and blocking his eyes.
Saying this will be a bad idea since he weighs just under two hundred and twenty pounds of liveweight and is a former boxer, and I only weigh just under one-fifty. And as expected, Sergei will drag me to a construction site far away from the residential neighborhood and the police, and I’ll be swinging my arms around in vain to try and stop him. At the construction site, he’ll start beating my eyes with a belt and will say that Spartak won and not Dynamo, but I’ll know that this isn’t about Spartak or Dynamo but about his ex-wife. And when I fall on the ground and my blood, mixed with sand and cement, clots into little pebbles and becomes stronger than concrete, he’ll kick me a few more times, aiming for my face, but I’ll tuck my head into my chest and his dirty, broken-down shoes will only get my ribs, and my teeth will remain intact.
Then his friends will get him off me, but he’ll still manage to pull away one last time, grab a “Glory to Spartak” sign from a guy I don’t know, crumple it up and shove it in my mouth while telling me to eat it. And when they drag Sergei far enough away, I’ll pull the sign out of my mouth and yell that he should eat it himself and that he’s a pig and a bastard, and I’ll basically cuss for a long time and yell that Spartak is the most worthless team in the world. I won’t yell that Dynamo is the best team in the world, but will instead play it safe and shout that the best team in the world is Mettalist or Ararat.
Then I’ll sit silently for a little while, collecting in my hands the hard concrete pebbles that were just recently my blood and tossing them far, far away, I’ll smooth out, straighten, and then fold the “Glory to Spartak” sign eight times so it will fit in my pocket, and I’ll think that this is material proof. The paper, hard and rigid, will barely bend in my hands, and I’ll think that it’s unlikely I would have eaten it, and when I think this, I’ll get terribly hungry and remember I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.
Then I’ll get up and wander home while attempting to figure out which of us is right—me or the guys. On the way, I’ll stop and ask a girl: who won yesterday, Spartak or Dynamo? The girl won’t respond but instead get scared and run away. And an old man with a dog and a cane will tell me that yesterday Spartak won 5 to 0 and that I should go home and wash up because my face is covered in blood.
I’ll think that the whole world has gone crazy, because I’ll be convinced—no, not just convinced but positive, I’ll bet my life on it—that Dynamo won, and I’ll be surprised that everyone around me is talking nonsense: either everyone’s televisions are wrong or everyone is intentionally playing dumb because they don’t want to admit that Spartak was defeated. After all, everyone in our little town, from the youngest to the oldest, roots only for Spartak: Rinat Dasaev from the second alternate team is from our town, so who else would we root for? Or maybe they wanted Spartak to win so badly that they couldn’t accept Dynamo’s victory and convinced themselves and everyone around them of it?
I’ll come home but won’t eat, and instead I’ll call my mom—her I trust—and ask: who won yesterday? My mom will answer that Spartak won and will say “congratulations!” I’ll also congratulate myself because I’ve gone crazy. But tell me, why should I go crazy when I wanted Spartak to win anyway? I have no reason to lose my mind over a Dynamo loss, especially since I never even liked Dynamo. CSKA wasn’t that bad, but never Dynamo, after all. For me Dynamo is no different than Pakhtakor.
And I’ll also think it’s silly to go crazy over Dynamo, and it’s too bad my wife left me yesterday morning, the one that left Sergei before, because she definitely would have told me who won. And I’ll feel so bad that I am completely alone and going crazy alone while everyone around me is normal and sure that Spartak won, and I, like an idiot, am convinced that Dynamo won. I’ll feel so bad for myself and so intolerably alone, like I am now, as I write this. After all, I hate sunflower seeds—roasted or raw—and I don’t care about soccer at all. And nothing ever happens in my life, and nothing ever happens to other people either. I don’t live, I just go to work and read. And no one ever beats me. And I don’t have a mom. Except my wife did actually just leave me. Today. Forever. And I want to lose my mind over it, but I can’t, nothing’s working.
Though it’s true she never was never any Sergei’s wife, and no one else’s either. She was always only mine.
Still it’s upsetting that I never got into soccer. Then I’d never have acknowledged Spartak’s defeat, even if they beat me up or got rid of me me altogether.
© Andrei Krasniashikh. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 Tanya Paperny. All rights reserved.
Сегодня вечером я нажарю семечек, целую миску, и, предвкушая двойное удовольствие, усядусь перед телевизором смотреть футбольный матч. «Спартак» будет играть с «Динамо», и я, не в силах оторваться от экрана и, сыпля скорлупками мимо тарелки, буду с замиранием сердца следить за игрой. Я буду отчаянно болеть за «Спартак», но выиграет «Динамо», и мне настолько понравится классная техника «динамовцев», что совершенно не будет жаль проигрыша любимой команды. А когда Пеле забьёт третий гол в ворота «Спартака», я даже поперхнусь семечками и буду долго кашлять, надувая щёки до красноты и слёз и брызгая слюной.
После матча я начну звонить своим друзьям — таким же, как и я, преданным болельщикам «Спартака»; но их жёны все как одна ответят, что они уже спят, хотя будет только девять часов вечера. Тогда и я лягу спать, а когда проснусь, то не буду завтракать, а наскоро оденусь и побегу на улицу, где будут ходить взад-вперёд сонные, но уже весёлые мужики с транспарантами «Спартак!» и «Спартак — чемпион!»
Я присоединюсь к ним, немного похожу с ними по улице туда-сюда, а потом скажу кому-нибудь из них, что «Спартак», конечно, забойная команда, но я ценю прежде всего мастерство и зрелищность, а не имя команды, и «Динамо» победило вчера в честной борьбе.
И тогда ребята посмотрят на меня как на идиота и скажут мне, что вчера я перепил водки, а сегодня ещё не похмелился, а «Спартак» выиграл со счётом 3:0, а иначе чего бы они ни свет ни заря повыпирались на улицу, как малахольные. Я им отвечу, что они именно малахольные, а я уже третий месяц и в рот не беру спиртного, даже пива, и по праздникам тоже ни-ни, и своими глазами видел, как «Спартаку» вжарили всухую, а вот они точно ещё со вчерашнего не просохли и глаза позаливали с утра пораньше.
Ребята скажут, что они вчера все вместе за одним телевизором сидели и помнят каждый гол, вмантуленный в ворота «Динамо», а у меня белки повылазили на почве алкогольной недостаточности. А мой давний неприятель Сергей, у которого я когда-то увёл жену — хотя, честно сказать, никого я у него не уводил, я вообще удивляюсь, как с таким козлом кто-то может жить — скажет, что это у меня глаза неправильные, а не у них залитые, но, если я хочу, то он мне может их поправить. Я отвечу ему, что нечего искать в чужом глазу соринку, когда у самого рога прядями свисают наружу и мешают видеть.
И зря ему так скажу, потому что у него под сто килограммов живого веса и он бывший боксёр, а во мне и семидесяти не будет. И, конечно же, Сергей потащит меня на стройку, подальше от жилых домов и милиции, а я буду размахивать вхолостую руками и упираться. А на стройке он начнет меня бить по глазам и говорить, что выиграл «Спартак», а не «Динамо», но я-то знаю, что не в «Спартаке» и «Динамо» дело, а в его бывшей жене. А когда я упаду на землю, и моя кровь, смешавшись с песком и цементом, станет крепче бетона, он ещё несколько раз ударит меня ногой, стараясь попасть по лицу, но голову я буду крепко прижимать руками к груди, и он попадёт разбитыми грязными туфлями только мне по рёбрам, а зубы у меня останутся целыми.
Его потом оттащат ребята, но он ещё успеет вырваться в последний раз и, выхватив у одного незнакомого мне парня плакат «Слава Спартаку!» скомкает его и засунет мне в рот со словами, чтобы я это сожрал. А когда Сергея отведут на достаточное расстояние, я вытащу плакат изо рта и крикну, чтобы он сам его сожрал и что он козёл и ублюдок, и вообще буду долго материться и кричать, что «Спартак» — самая хреновая команда в мире. Но что самая лучшая команда в мире — «Динамо», кричать не буду, а выкрикну что-нибудь нейтральное: что лучшая команда в мире — это «Металлист» или «Арарат».
Потом я ещё некоторое время посижу молча, перебирая в руках твёрдые камушки бетона, которые ещё недавно были моей кровью, и, отбросив их далеко-далеко, сначала гладко распрямлю, а затем сложу в восемь раз плакат «Слава Спартаку!», чтобы он уместился в карман, и подумаю, что это — вещественное доказательство. Бумага, твёрдая и жёсткая, будет еле гнуться в руках, и я подумаю, что я вряд ли съел бы это, а когда я это подумаю, мне жутко захочется есть, и я вспомню, что ещё не завтракал.
Тогда я встану и побреду домой, пытаясь понять, кто из нас прав — я или ребята. По дороге я остановлю девочку и спрошу, кто вчера выиграл — «Спартак» или «Динамо». Но девочка ничего не ответит, а испугается меня и убежит. А старенький дедушка с собачкой и палочкой скажет мне, что вчера со счётом 5:0 выиграл «Спартак», и чтобы я шёл домой и умылся, потому что у меня всё лицо в крови.
Я подумаю, что весь мир свихнулся, потому что я уверен — нет, даже не уверен, я точно знаю, голову даю на отсечение, что выиграло «Динамо», и буду удивляться всем вокруг, тому, что они городят: или телевизоры у всех неправильные, или они специально придуриваются, потому что не хотят признавать поражения «Спартака», ведь весь наш городок от мала до велика болеет только за «Спартак»: Ринат Дасаев из второй запасной команды — наш земляк, так за кого же нам ещё болеть? А может, им так хотелось, чтобы победил «Спартак», что они просто не захотели поверить в победу «Динамо» и убедили сами себя и всех вокруг?
Я приду домой, но есть не буду, а позвоню маме — ей одной я верю — и спрошу: кто вчера выиграл? Мама ответит, что «Спартак», и скажет: «Поздравляю!». И я скажу себе тоже: «Поздравляю!», потому что я сошёл с ума. Но скажите: зачем мне сходить с ума, когда я хотел, чтобы выиграл именно «Спартак»? Совсем мне незачем сходить с ума из-за «Динамо», тем более, что я «Динамо» никогда не любил… «ЦСКА» ещё куда ни шло, но не «Динамо» же, в самом деле. Для меня «Динамо» — ей-богу, как «Пахтакор».
И ещё я подумаю, что глупо сходить с ума из-за «Динамо», и жалко, что вчера утром от меня ушла жена, которая до того ушла от Сергея, потому что она-то мне точно бы сказала, кто выиграл. И мне станет так обидно, что я совсем один, совсем один сумасшедший, а все вокруг нормальные и уверены, что выиграл «Спартак», а я, как дурак, убеждён, что выиграло «Динамо», так обидно за себя и невыносимо одиноко, как сейчас, когда я пишу всё это. Ведь я ненавижу семечки — и жареные, и сырые — и совершенно не интересуюсь футболом. И в моей жизни никогда ничего не происходит, и с людьми не происходит тоже ничего. Я не живу, а просто хожу на работу и читаю. И не били меня никогда. И мамы у меня нет. Вот только жена в самом деле ушла. Сегодня. Навсегда. И хочу я из-за этого сойти с ума, а не могу, ничего не получается.
Правда, до этого она никогда не была женой никакого Сергея, и вообще ничьей. Она всегда была только моей.
Всё-таки обидно, что я никогда не увлекался футболом. А то бы никогда не признал победу «Спартака», даже если бы меня избили или убили вовсе.
Alejandro Saravia charts the life and death of a rookie dealer on the mean streets of Montreal
on a corner on avenue Decelles
a Caribbean man finds an abandoned mattress
where he can sleep
and dream that he speaks French and English
that he wears the best brands
that he owns 24-karat gold bracelets
that he has women to spare
and drives a brand-new Mercedes
drawn by the myth of the streets of gold
Santiago Nasar arrives on rue Barclay and becomes a pusher
in his pocket the niveous ecstasy that leads to knives
to anonymous overdose deaths in this part of Montreal
guided through the snow by the hunger for hundred-dollar bills
the clandestine sale of tiny bags of Disney World cocaine
his pocket full of bills and a knife sheath on his belt
he shoots a stealth look at pedestrians on rue Goyer
as he walks to the Plamondon metro dreaming of being a distributor
what the hell! why not an importer even, a big one
a quiet neighbor watches from his window
as Santiago falls, his throat split
the slash that spills on the snow
the crimson of his short life
a light vapor of blood on the snow
his pockets empty, someone steals his shoes
a body goes unclaimed
near the Plamondon metro
"Metro Plamondon" © Alejandro Saravia. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 María José Gimenez. All rights reserved.
en una esquina de la avenida Decelles
un caribeño encuentra un colchón abandonado
donde poder dormir
soñar que habla francés e inglés
que se viste con las mejores marcas
que tiene pulseras de oro de 24 quilates
que le sobran mujeres
y maneja un Mercedes último modelo
atraído por el mito de las calles de oro
a la calle Barclay llega Santiago Nasar que se hace pusher
en el bolsillo el níveo éxtasis que conduce a los cuchillos
a las anónimas muertes por sobredosis en esta parte de Montreal
guía sus pasos en la nieve el afán de juntar billetes de cien dólares
la venta clandestina de las diminutas bolsas de cocaína Disney World
el bolsillo lleno de billetes y al cinturón la funda de un cuchillo
mira furtivamente a los peatones en la calle Goyer
mientras camina hacia el metro Plamondon soñando con ser distribuidor
¡qué carajo!, mejor importador y de los grandes
un vecino observa callado desde una ventana
a Santiago caer con la garganta destazada
el navajazo que derrama sobre la nieve
el carmesí de su corta vida
un ligero vapor de la sangre sobre la nieve
los bolsillos vacíos, alguien le quita las zapatillas
un cuerpo que nadie reclama
por el metro Plamondon
Felipe Franco Munhoz finds William Faulkner and Jack Daniels don't mix
It wasn’t our fault. It was the city of Curitiba, with that coarse appearance common to all cities in the middle of nowhere; it was the recipe we found with a quick Internet search; it was the Jack Daniels we drank that day, straight from the bottle; and—most important—it was William Faulkner. All because we’d decided, after reaching peak levels of whiskey, to act out some scene or other from literature. First, we tried Tom Stoppard’s play The Real Thing. I never could have guessed our dinner would be converted into a theater or that we, naked, would begin playing serious actors, in the candlelight, circling about between the furniture, speaking English.
Declaring Loving and being loved is unliterary with a forced British accent.
Until, a second later, out of the blue, leaving our home theater dramatics behind, Car l’Homme a fini! L’Homme a joué tous les rôles!, Catarina began to recite Rimbaud. Alcoholic polyglots. In other words: a pretentious young couple—laughable, ludicrous. In other words: a young couple seeking shelter in literature. A young couple pretending it was possible to surpass the limits of the same old daily routine, of that city so inadequate, of our very lives. An escape. A short-lived one.
My friend—my new girlfriend?—soon tired of the poet. What I really wanted was a romantic, lovesick Rimbaud; which of these writers here is the most romantic? Faulkner, I joked. And I pulled Sanctuary down from the shelf—as though, without realizing it, I were pulling a trigger, firing off a deadly idea. Her curiosity limitless, Catarina leafed through the book; while I staggered—staggered—toward the kitchen only to discover that the Jack Daniels—goddammit—had come to an end.
“Half a glass left.”
“We drank it all?”
“It was already open.”
“What’s a moonshiner?”
And then, in her nasal voice, Catarina recited a dialogue from the novel:
“Was that why you left Belle?” Miss Jenny said. She looked at him. “It took you a long time to learn that, if a woman don’t make a very good wife for one man, she ain’t likely to for another, didn’t it?”
(First in a forced British accent, then in a forced, blasé French, and a forced, drawling English—hillbilly?—from Mississippi. Mixed with her natural Curitiba accent; its natural, undulating singsong. Stretching out certain vowel sounds. Emphasizing certain vowels at the beginning of words. Aaaaacc-ent. Phonetic orgies one after another, pathetic and far from successful.)
“But to walk out just like a nigger,” Narcissa said. “And to mix yourself up with moonshiners and street-walkers.”
“A person who made moonshine: an illegal, potent liquor, made at home. Made—I think—from corn. In enormous receptacles, bathtubs, vats.”
“Why not make some of our own?”
There it was. The ultimate idea.
“We have a bathtub, don’t we?”
“Not only do we have a bathtub, but we used it earlier, didn’t we, babe.”
“We’re out of whiskey, are we not?”
Scouring the Internet, Googling “How to make moonshine,” we found a straightforward recipe. Catarina, grabbing a notebook, copied the instructions: 12 cups corn flour, 30 cups sugar, 1 cup yeast, and—drunk, her excitement growing by the minute—Cheesecloth, metal buckets, a giant pan, a pressure cooker, and we need to drill a hole in the pressure cooker, do you have a drill?, and we need a copper tube, fucking A, where are we gonna find one of those, if only it weren’t so late, it’s almost eleven, we don’t need a bathtub, even better, we can make it right on the stove.
Curitiba, with the same unremarkable appearance common to all cities in the middle of nowhere; enormous yet empty: both in terms of contents and the breadth of territory. A shallow, calm ocean. The area creeping into view—tiny one moment, growing larger the next. Beyond the eighth-floor window, the Campo Comprido neighborhood full of potholes, six araucaria trees, low-rise buildings at a remove from one another: the gap-toothed city. Wide avenues. Curitiba. Endless horizons. Curitiba.
At eleven at night, going out to buy anything at all—impossible.
In the meantime, Catarina—in a matter of a few minutes and some groups on WhatsApp—had managed to find all the ingredients. After throwing on some wrinkled clothing, she set off to collect them—the car, I imagine, zigzagging the whole way—into the night: Rua Walenty Golas, Rua Professor Pedro Viriato Parigot de Souza, Rua Professor João Falarz, Rua Monsenhor Ivo Zanlorenzi and the rest, the route going and coming back, a question mark. In the brief interim, I focused on punching the hole in the pan.
“How’d you swing the copper tubing?”
Tubing connected to the pressure cooker—a still, who knew?—and all the materials at hand, we, impulsive and persistent, began the meticulous process. Step by step. We boiled gallons of water. We cooked in the corn flour. We dumped the resulting mixture in the bucket. We returned the resulting mixture to the pan. We cooked the corn paste with sugar and yeast. Using the cheesecloth, we strained the mixture into the pan. What next, Popcorn Sutton?
A week’s worth of waiting—
for the mix to ferment.
We slept in each other’s arms
and the time soon passed
and when the next week arrived,
we still felt
like a true young couple
Sober now and anxious, we transferred the fermented liquid—cheesecloth once again—to the pressure cooker. Catarina, a smile on her face, whispered Improv at its best. The copper tubing, stretched toward the sink, floating in the makeshift condenser full of water and ice; rising to the surface, it continued toward the second bucket, positioned on the floor below, where the moonshine would drip out. Perfect? We’d barely lit the stove when the landline began to ring.
“Can you keep an eye on it?” I asked.
Through the living room window, three, four, five araucarias. Five. Hadn’t there been six before? I was sure of it. I picked up the phone. Limited-time promotion, some cellular service provider; telemarketing. I hung up quickly and, intrigued, stood observing the landscape. Curitiba. Before returning to the distillery, a lapse in the bookshelf leaped out at me: arriving at Faulkner, books out of order. Sanctuary and Light in August were mixed up—chronological order being As I Lay Dying, Sanctuary, Light in August, Pylon—no sooner was this flaw corrected than I heard a wild, thunderous explosion.
Catarina suffered third-degree burns: seventy percent of her body destroyed. My new girlfriend. As though viewing dark, violent film frames, I can remember them arriving, the fireman, the ambulance, the hospital, the family, the word Deceased. I know, I should have been there with her, embracing her even in death, but it wasn’t my fault: it was the telephone—telemarketing—that rang at the wrong moment; it was the five araucarias I’m positive there were six; it was the books out of order; and—of course—it was mostly the fault of William Faulkner.
© Felipe Munhoz. By arrangement with the author. Translation © 2017 by Eric M. B. Becker. All rights reserved.
Jean-Marie Blas de Roblès exposes mismanagement
At this point in the story, the voice stops, immediately replaced by the kind of background music that increases cows’ milk production. Monsieur Wang looks at his watch and shakes his head at the punctuality of the performance. Five o’clock on the dot, good work. Not a bad idea to bring this guy on, he reflects, adjusting his cufflinks. Once more, the proverbial wisdom has proven true: without going into the tiger’s den, how can one hope to lay a hand on its cubs?
Wang-li Wong, “Monsieur Wang” as he makes everyone call him to keep all the natives from mangling his name, is the Chinese manager of B@bil Books, an assembly plant for e-readers in La Roque-Gageac, in Périgord Noir. An adolescent’s peach-fuzz mustache, in spite of his forty years, his hair slicked back in short, gelled waves, a three-piece suit with a tie and a white buttoned collar. The Asian aspects of his features are faint. He looks more like a Japanese modernist from the sixties than a Chinese man. Perhaps this is the result of the outdated shape of his horn-rimmed glasses.
He is sitting at his desk, in a modern, industrial space improved by several Asian antiques, including a gilt nautilus shell adorned with merpeople and with feet shaped like eagle talons.
On the adjoining terrace, a small, deluxe pigeon loft holds several nests made of precious woods. Monsieur Wang is a pigeon-fancier; he owns six pairs of carrier pigeons, including one star—Free Legs Diamond—for which he paid a hundred thousand euros, putting him ahead of most of the competition.
A proponent of “lean management,” Wang-li Wong works to streamline activity within his company. In pursuit of this goal—and at the urging of Arnaud Méneste, the former owner of the factory that his plant is replacing—he is trying out the practice of having a “storyteller” read aloud during the workday. He followed along with the whole of the first reading, astonished to find himself taken in by the nonsense. The name of the author, a writer of serial novels from the previous century, already escapes him; in any case, the workers appeared to be enthralled, but did not raise their eyes from their work. The initial figures are clear: far from slowing production, the reading sped it up. Even bathroom breaks decreased.
This thought brings the manager’s gaze back to his iPad. Stroking several icons with his finger, he brings wide shots from the surveillance cameras up on the screen, then zooms in on the assembly lines to wait for closing time. The stations are set up in long parallel rows separated by clean, gleaming aisles. Yellow lines on the ground indicate the paths reserved for forklifts, reminding the employees not to let their stools or trays cross this strict boundary. A hundred workers sit per row, heads lowered under the harsh brightness of the fluorescents; almond-green gowns, latex gloves, caps, and breathing masks: a long line of surgeons bent over the golden innards that are their destiny. Monsieur Wang is only interested in the women. He doesn’t know all of their names, but he uses nicknames to distinguish among them: the white-haired slut, the weasel, the fatty with the mustache, smirk, gloomy, loon, nympho, Charlotte . . . The beautiful, the sweet Charlotte Dufrène. He lingers on the oval of her face, examines her big green eyes that sit under thick eyebrows. Milky skin, lips the color of a swollen vulva, messy hair escaping from her bouffant cap. Every fifteen minutes, she glances lovingly at the man seated to her right. Fabrice Petitbout. This lapdog, with his pale mop of hair, needs no nickname. The eyes of a husky, the goatee of a sickly ginger. He has a tongue piercing, a black titanium barbell that makes him lisp on the rare occasions when he speaks. Those two have managed to get placed next to each other on the line; they must have messed around a bit, but they’ve never fucked—Monsieur Wang would bet his life on it.
Bell. Production halts. Not all of the workers react the same way. Some spring up immediately, others—the majority—remain seated for a few seconds, their eyes closed, their chins lowered, as if meditating; a few stretch their muscles, their elbows bent back behind their heads.
Monsieur Wang touches his iPad, and it displays the women’s restrooms. He installed these cameras himself. Sophisticated equipment. Locker rooms, showers, toilets, nothing escapes him: there is even a sensor that opens a video feed on his screen every time someone turns the lock on a stall. The same equipment exists in the men’s room, but he has only looked at it once, when Jaffar stuck it to the white-haired slut during a break.
Here come the women, chattering away as they enter the locker room. Wang has turned off the sound, but he knows he will be able to hear everything on the recordings. He has amassed dozens of hours of this over the last six months on a hard drive in a safe in his office; more than enough for his simple, professional pleasures. They start undressing in front of the narrow lockers that line the walls. Not at all like a striptease, since there is no trace of seduction here. This is the weary disrobing of young girls who have woken too late. The manager, for his part, sees nothing but panties rolling down thighs, an abundance of breasts, buttocks, pelvises, moist variations of liberated flesh under the fluorescent lighting. All of it excites him, even the lumps of fat that deform their hips and the magnifying effect of the flab on their rumps and knees. And finally—Charlotte. He expands the window to see her better. No one wriggles out of a slip the way she does, a trout freeing itself from a net. Her bosom bulges out, protruding and convex; seeing her squirm without losing her shape, he is sure that she would feel firm under his hands. Charlotte enters a shower stall between two white-tiled walls. She scrubs her hair, head thrown back, washes it, massages it. Flecks of suds fall on her breasts, hang from the fuzz on her pubis. To rinse, she turns around and bends over, presenting a breathtaking view of a worker’s backside. She turns again, washes her sex, legs bent.
Wang-li Wong has pulled out his penis; having jerked at himself for a few seconds, he discharges onto the screen of his tablet.
Standing motionless by the door to his office, in his blind spot, the Director of Human Resources has not missed a single moment of the scene. A strange smile spreads across her face; it would be impossible to say whether it is one of complicity or scorn. She silently retreats and disappears.
From The Island of Point Nemo by Jean-Marie Blas de Roblès (Open Letter, 2017). By arrangement with the publisher. All rights reserved.
Giuseppe Berto finds a surprising motive for an infamous betrayal
Rabbi, there were several of us with scabs of impurity in that little flock that was soon to be dispersed. Anyway, whether pure or impure, You washed all of our feet and You explained, “Have you understood what I have done? You call me Rabbi and Lord, and that is well, because I am. If then I, who am Lord and Rabbi, have washed your feet, you also must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example.”
Then, with a majesty never before seen on Your face, You took a piece of bread, broke it, and, after giving thanks, gave each of us a piece of it, saying, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.”
We ate the bread.
Then You raised a chalice of wine, gave thanks to the Eternal, and gave it to us to drink from it. And we passed it from one to another, each taking a sip, as You said, “What you are drinking is my blood, the blood of the covenant, which is shed for you and for the multitude. I shall drink no more the fruit of the vine until the day I shall drink it again in the kingdom of God.”
You thus made, if only symbolically, a gift of Yourself, body and blood, but no one made much of it, nor asked for explanations. They didn’t even notice that by this time Your talk of death was referring to an event that was so near, perhaps the hour was already late. The son of man was going, as it was written of him, but it might be that small delays were still permitted; there were formalities to observe, moments to be taken advantage of, choices to be confirmed.
Again, you turned to us, repeating to each and everyone Your love, and, with everything that may have still been uncertain and obtuse in our souls, trust. Indeed, You said, “I know whom I have chosen.”
But immediately afterward You added, “Nevertheless, the word of the scripture must be carried out. One who eats the bread with me has raised his heel against me.”
Words of a great king from our history. He had pronounced them when he was already in decline, overcome with fear, torn by thoughts of persecution, sick with remorse for his sins. Why did You choose to say those words? Was there no other way to illustrate the necessity for a betrayal? Or did You want to emphasize that he who had been commanded to turn his back on You was one with whom You had lived in peace, in whom You had confided? Surely, if it was me You spoke of, You could be trusting; I would not fail You.
You were so sure of it, You said, “I tell you now before it happens, so that when it happens you will know that I am.”
This could have been a key to understanding for the future, the ignominy of a betrayal for the benefit of Your becoming.
And then You added a sentence—everything was tremendously important on that occasion—a sentence that appeared to have nothing to do with what had been said up to then, but that perhaps had secret pertinence in relation to one who would soon be going to Caiaphas to take payment of the small price of a great betrayal, and even with respect to Caiaphas himself, who by paying thirty dinars would take part in a necessary and universal event.
You said, “He who welcomes him whom I have sent welcomes me and he who welcomes me welcomes him who sent me.”
Now, Jesus, there was no more time to be wasted. Having established the sacredness of the betrayal, with no further delays or hesitations You had to send someone, designate the accomplice. This hour could not be allowed to pass, nor the verb “I am” wait for fulfillment. You were overcome with intense emotion and in the end You said, “Verily I say to you, one of you shall betray me.”
The announcement surprised them. You had pre-announced the betrayal more than once, You had even referred to it moments before with words of David—the words of David would soon come back in You again to denounce another and definitive abandonment—yet they were dumbfounded as though it were something new, and then they began to look at one another, not knowing of whom You had spoken. One of you, You had said, and in their view it could have been any one of us, they had no idea what a terrible greatness was to befall him who had been designated to pay a price much harsher than death. They kept on asking themselves who among them was about to do such a thing.
You were absorbed in deep sadness, and You held close to You him whom You had allowed to share even Your sadness. John, in fact, leaned his head against Your breast.
And Peter, who was more than anyone else—perhaps not without reason and fear—anxious to know, signaled to John to ask You whom You were referring to.
And John, pressing in even closer to You, asked, “Lord, who is it?”
I heard his question, and also Your answer.
You responded, “It is he to whom I shall offer the morsel I am about to dip.”
The plates where everyone dipped their bread were in the middle of the table, according to our custom, and now You had to make the elementary and final gesture to take a piece of bread, dip it, and then offer it to one of us, the designated one. Afterward, there would be no turning back, even for You.
You then took a morsel of bread—very slowly—you dipped it in a plate—even more slowly—and I knew it was for me—it was not everyone who could do what would be asked of me to do, and I too had an hour for which I had come—and yet I continued to pray that—if possible—the chalice would be taken from me. The morsel had now been dipped. You could have offered it to Peter, or to John, or to any other of the twelve; everything, in a certain sense, was still to be decided.
Leaning forward, avoiding my eyes, You offered it to me, Judas of Simon Iscariot, son of perdition.
The others, distant or distracted, didn’t notice a thing. But John was right there, leaning on your breast, hearing Your every word and breath, observing every expression and gesture, even the smallest. And, many years later, John wrote, "Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him."
They are words of the Holy Spirit: in that moment, after the morsel that You had given me as a commandment.
Still, overwhelmed, I hesitated, I needed confirmation and exhortation. So You said to me, “What you are about to do, do quickly.”
None of the others, aside from John, understood the significance of what You said. They thought that, since I kept the purse, You had ordered me to go buy something, or to give something to the poor. We were alone in our mission, and You urged me to act quickly because, by now, the less time wasted the better, for both of us.
John wrote, “So, after receiving the morsel of bread, he immediately went out. And it was night."
It was, indeed, a pitch-black night; the Eternal had hidden the face of the new moon behind a veil of clouds.
The rest of it, if we’re talking about acts to be done, actions to be carried out, was not hard.
I went to Asaf, who took me to Caiaphas, who presented me to the council, which was meeting in permanent session to come up with a way to resolve, without resentment among the people, the issue of that Galilean come to disturb the public order, and perhaps even a conscience or two.
It was written that someone would deliver him, and I pronounced myself willing to deliver my Rabbi, Jesus of Nazareth. I would deliver him that same night, if they so pleased; as for me, the sooner the better. They believed me, they paid me right away with a sum that, for some ancient and incomprehensible reason, was thirty dinars. They told me to go and wait under the portico in the first courtyard of the Temple.
There were lighted torches in the first courtyard, with large shadowy areas between one torch and another. I chose the darkest corner. Afterward, guards started coming in, and Judeans armed with swords, lances, clubs. I thought that every human being—or only some—has his verb—I am—to fulfill, great or little as it may be, divine or demoniac. I was just about to fulfill mine—demoniac: all that was left for me to do was to lead to the agreed-upon place a crowd of armed Judeans who, on their own, wouldn’t have had the courage to put their hands on a harmless Galilean.
Then it would be up to You, Rabbi, to bring to fruition Your divine verb; to be the Anointed, the Messiah of the Messiahs, the Redeemer of the human race.
I, at last, believed.
Translation of chapters 97–100 of La Gloria. © Giuseppe Berto Estate. Published by arrangement with The Italian Literary Agency, Milano, Italy. Translation © 2017 by Gregory Conti. All rights reserved.
Amy Yamada takes notes as a young woman recalls an early lesson
Every one of our bodies gives off some sexual scent. Whether you are beautiful or ugly, it doesn’t matter. There is no denying it. But whether or not you make others aware of it, it changes how you appear. What's more, whether or not you see it as a useful tool changes how often you pause for others. And how often others do for you. At what age does a woman, if she is sexually attracted to men, for example, first experience the bodily sensation of it? I already knew when I was ten. I wasn’t able to express the feeling in words until after a long while, though. When I encountered the word coquet in a French novel, I thought I’d already learned about it through my experience in childhood. A major female character in a Mishima story learned about it so late that she was led to her ruin. I was a high school student then. As an adult now, I’ve learned to chuckle to myself at how the pretense of ignorance can enhance the pleasure of committing a sweet sin wrapped in a lie called sophistication. I still remember from time to time, that if love is a serious game to play, what was it that he and I were doing together twenty years ago? We were playing a serious game. Not on a bench in a park or at a table in a hamburger shop. Our playground was a desk in the social studies resource room at a junior high school.
After work, I was waiting for Hitomi in a café and, after a while, saw her running in with a magazine in her hand. Out of breath.
“What happened?" I said. “You look upset.”
“Yumiko, have a look at this.”
No sooner had Hitomi sat at the table than she opened the magazine. There I recognized a middle-aged man in close-up and held my breath.
“Yumiko, this is Yamamoto, isn’t it? Our junior high school teacher… You remember, right?”
“Indecent assault on a junior high school girl. He’s been doing the same damn thing for twenty years. Bastard!”
“Everybody always said that he was doing obscene things to girls just before we graduated. I remember someone went to talk to the principal, but he wouldn’t take her seriously, saying that Mr. Yamamoto was so nice and gentle that he was just popular with the girls. They’re always good at hiding things. But he wasn’t like that when we just entered the school, was he? He was actually popular. I wonder what on earth changed him into a lecherous old man. Hey, are you listening to me?”
As my eyes were fixed on the magazine, Hitomi looked into my face and asked.
“He did something to you, too?”
I shook my head.
“Then, why are you staring at his picture so hard?”
“Well, back then, Yamamoto was about the same age as we and Shunsuke are now. It feels kind of strange.”
“Don’t put him in the same class as your boyfriend. Shunsuke’s absolutely gorgeous! Aren’t you going to get married? If you don’t do it sooner, someone else will come and steal him from you.”
“Our relationship is not that shaky.”
“How confident you are. Well, you’ve been always the kind of woman who knows how to make a man chase after you. I envy you. I’m always chasing guys and then I get dumped.”
I looked Hitomi, who was taking a sip of her espresso, full in the face. She was a good-natured girlfriend, easy to hang around with. Relaxing. Good-looking. But somehow, I could tell that she, perhaps, just didn’t arouse men’s interest. She didn’t know about the existence of something that floats out of a bottle which lies deep within our bodies, and whose lid is always slightly ajar. The odor secretly rises and sits just beneath our skin, and gets distilled by a particular man. Perfume, which is worn on the surface of our skin and stimulates everybody equally, is too open, in contrast.
“Over thirty and still single. No boyfriend. I’m not like you, Yumiko. I really need somebody to help me out.”
Back then, Yamamoto was thirty-five years old, if I remember right. Married. He was a social-studies teacher. He filled our ears with the basic terms of national and world history, politics, and economics. But the only things that still remain in my memory are the geography lessons. I would open my atlas and daydream. I found the names of countries fascinating. Names of unknown countries are much closer to designs than people’s names. A sequence of names of countries looks like a strange pattern. Flat mountains, still rivers, waveless seas, the world God created made much smaller and deprived of its life. Humans do funny things, I thought every time I opened my atlas. Silly. I was easily distracted—not only in social studies class but also other subjects. I was not leading the kind of school life centered around after-school activities. Surrounded by bland friends, I passed each day without belonging anywhere. I was thirteen. Looking back now, I’m amused. Why was I so bored? Perhaps I was proud of myself for being able to feel bored as I started reading novels, like those of Sagan.
I would spend my time in the library after school every day. Beyond the window, I could see a basketball court. Tall boys were running around, practicing. They would work up a sweat just to put a ball in the basket, which made me think that they were rather cute. Some girls, apparent fans of the captain, cheered him on with their shrill voices. I didn’t understand. They couldn’t all have him. I hated those girls who fancied senior boys and made a fuss about it. Always acting in groups. One boy only has two hands. I already knew love had a significant relation with our bodies. My first love came early. We would walk back home from an English conversation lesson, holding hands. My hand grew sweaty in his hand. We hand-fed each other potato chips. I couldn’t taste the salty flavor at all and thought my tongue was numb. Something new was being born, very different from what I had felt toward boys before. It felt like I’d made an amazing discovery. Someone of a different sex can cause a change in a certain part of our body tied to our hearts. Like the diagram illustrating the sets I’d learned in math class. With that intersection, where two circles overlap. Suddenly things take on a new weight. Mathematics can be cool. I can see the same diagram in those girls cheering and yelling, though they are not aware of its existence at all.
It happened when I tired of looking out of the window, randomly picked up a thick book of painting, and opened it. There I saw an indescribable painting occupying a two-page spread. An abstract painting. I couldn’t tell whether it was angry or sad or smiling. Probably all of these things. Such an overwhelming impression I found stylish. I looked at the picture for quite a while.
“Do you like Picasso?”
I came to myself and looked up. There, I found Yamamoto standing by me and looking into the book.
“Yes. You didn’t know that? This one is called Guernica,” he said and sat down next to me. Turning pages, he explained each painting. I stole a glance at him as he continued his passionate explanations. The setting sun reflected off his glasses and dazzled my eyes. “The Blue Period,” he said. A strand of hair that fell across his forehead was gilded with the evening sun. “The Blue Period” slipped out of my Picasso.
“Where is he from?” I said.
Yamamoto looked confused by my sudden question.
In the world map in my mind, this country name suddenly rose up from the page. This country—Spain—had given birth to this magnificent painter.
When I came back home, I found Shunsuke relaxing, reading on the sofa. Two years earlier we had exchanged spare keys so that we could see each other whenever we liked. He asked for reassurance that he needed to make no appointment to see me.
“Why didn’t you let me know you were coming? I could have come back much earlier.”
Shunsuke looked up from a book he was reading and laughed.
“If I’d asked you to come back early, you definitely wouldn’t do so. I know that.”
“You may be right.”
I held him close and kissed him. Whenever he feels my breath on his face, his lips instantly wander around looking for mine. Having a key to my place never makes him take things for granted. A rare kind of man.
“Do you know much about law?”
“What kind of question is that for a lawyer?”
“Say, if someone assaults a junior high school girl and gets arrested, how many years in jail would it be?”
“Charged with assault, or indecent assault?”
“Well, it’s usually from six months to seven years of imprisonment, but in most cases, they prefer to settle. If a victim doesn’t want to go to court, nothing can be done. A school would keep it quiet. But why do you . . . ah, this is about the teacher in the magazine. That one is awful, and so many victims.”
“He was my teacher in junior high.”
“Oh. Did he do anything to you?” he asked in a humorous tone. I shrugged my shoulders in disbelief. Did HE do anything to me? No way. I’ve never been passive in any relationship. The same was true when I was thirteen.
“He was as old as you are when he taught us. Have you ever been sexually attracted to teenagers?”
He said this and then gently pushed me onto the sofa.
“But I might have been attracted to you in your teens. After all, what matters to me is not age, if you’re a girl or an adult, but only if it’s you or not.”
“Don’t make me cry.”
“Cry for me.” he sighed. His body seemed programmed to recline toward me. He is crazy about making love to me. “Only if it’s you or not.” His words made me cry. A man who makes me feel I’m special. Adorable. The teacher told me the same thing. Yumiko, you are different from other students. You’re special.
“Shunsuke, do you like making love to me?”
“I love it.”
He stared back at me, perplexed. How was it he could look so vulnerable? I can’t believe it when I think of how guarded he is when he’s off to work. When he is with me, however, he always lets his guard down. His public face seems to melt and float away. What remains is a man who wags his tail out of sheer joy. I have the key to the room where his reason lies. When the door opens, reason flees. This key is useful. Different from spare apartment keys. I can undo his tie without using my hands. I can make him unbutton my shirt, too.
He was the one who locked the social studies resource room, and I made him do it. I knew that Yamamoto prepared for classes in the resource room after school. I would pass by the room as often as possible with no particular purpose, waiting for a chance to bump into him. When the idea hit me that I had taken on the role of a girl who had a crush on a teacher, I almost burst into laughter. I just wanted to look at him. And I wanted him to look at me, too. But not in the way he looked at many other students in the classroom.
My chance finally came. When Yamamoto was about to leave his office, he saw me just outside the door. I gave him a polite nod and looked him in the eye.
“Hi . . . haven’t you gone home yet?” I peeped in through the door.
“Is there anything you need?”
“Could I have a look around inside?”
Yamamoto nodded. Documents were scattered around the tiny room. I could smell dust amid the orderly bookshelves. Spinning a globe on the desk in the corner, I cast my gaze out the window.
“You can see the outside from here, too. From outside, nobody can even tell this room exists.
“Why was it you wanted to have a look around? You never seemed especially interested in my social studies class.”
I turned around and looked into his eyes. He gave me a questioning look.
“I want to be your favorite.”
“What? What did you just say?”
He didn’t seem to have understood what I’d said. He didn’t know what to do. He just stood there, as though glued to that spot, and I liked it. If he had burst into laughter, I would have hated him.
“You’re Miss Shimizu, right? Would you like some coffee?”
“Yes, please. And you can just call me Yumiko.”
“Yes, that way it sounds more like I’m your favorite.”
With a wry smile on his face, Yamamoto switched on an electronic kettle and put some instant coffee and sugar in a mug. He left out the milk. I murmured to myself and kept looking at his hands.
“I was happy to learn that Picasso is a Spanish painter.”
“But it was France that made him what he became.”
“I see. Countries can do a lot of things, like people.”
“Well, people make countries.”
He handed me the mug. A bitter and sweet taste spread across my mouth.
“To tell you the truth, this is my first time drinking coffee. My father loves coffee, but he never allows us to have it.”
“Oh, then, you’ll get it if he finds out.”
“Probably. So let’s just keep this between us.”
“Is that also part of being my favorite?”
I smiled at him. He took off his glasses and wiped the lenses with his handkerchief. I had made an impression, I was certain, because the coffee wasn’t hot enough to cloud the glasses.
“Desire reflects desire, doesn’t it? That’s why I like you so much.”
Shunsuke’s eyes looked as though he were deep in thought. Even more so than when they were scanning though legal briefs, which I found funny. In such a situation, thought and reason shouldn’t really come into play. But come to think of it, even animals’ gazes often look pensive. But it’s likely they’re not contemplating anything. Does pure instinct always give us a pensive look?
“What do you mean by reflect? It’s unusual that you use such an abstract word.”
Shunsuke flashed a shy smile. When we first met, he seemed like a square who wanted nothing to do with romance, but I feel he has been changing since he met me. An unromantic type can be sexy just as he is, but when a guy like that casts an undisguised gaze of desire on me alone, I can feel my skin burning, as though by rays of the sun refracted by a magnifying glass. These burns nearly go unnoticed, but they’re serious. It’s a real talent to be able to focus on one woman. I also want to possess such talent. So I focus on one man. I focus my gaze of fervent desire on a single man, my eyes burning his skin.
“I don’t know why,” Shunsuke whispered as he kissed me, “but I’m attracted to you, and you’re attracted to me in the same way. I know that. I don’t know why this happened to you and me, but I sure do love this combination.”
There’s a uniquely special atmosphere between us. We gaze at each other and breathe in. Oxygen only two of us can inhale.
I stopped being absentminded in social studies class and began to pay attention, sitting up straight, which of course flustered Yamamoto. He knew that I wasn’t interested in what was being taught but who was teaching it.
I stared at him constantly. I probably even felt desire for him. Of course, it wasn’t that my thirteen-year-old self wanted to sleep with him. I was just starving to get involved. I craved a different kind of treatment from other teacher’s pets. I refused to simply be one of the favored. I longed to be his favorite. Like a charm attached to your keyring that makes you restless if you leave it behind.
Going to the resource room after school became part of my daily routine. The atmosphere escaping the room each time he opened the door grew increasingly confidential. The door made a secretive sound, intended only to welcome in his favorite student. He didn’t want anybody to know, I could tell, and I liked that. I’ve always loved secrets.
At the beginning, we made small talk over coffee. He maintained a certain distance between us to keep me away from him, which only drew me closer to him. Like a toy air gun that makes a popping sound. It felt like my feelings for him were bundled into a tiny projectile that flew straight toward him.
One day, he offered me another cup of coffee. I said I’d make it myself and stood up.
“Mr. Yamamoto, how much sugar do you take?”
I knew he took two spoonfuls of sugar, but feigned ignorance. And I didn’t put any in the coffee I made for him. He took a sip and immediately frowned. He looked like a child after being forced to take bitter medicine. I suddenly felt a sort of kindness grow within me. This was the moment I learned that evil thoughts can make bring about acts of kindness.
“Here. You can have some sugar.”
I brought a heaping spoonful of sugar to his mouth. He blankly opened his mouth. When someone brings a spoon to your mouth, you don’t ask questions, you open it.
“Syrup for a patient who can’t stand bitter medicine.”
I pulled the spoon out of his mouth. On his lips were a few remaining grains of sugar. I held out the sugar bowl to him and said, “Give me some, too.”
So he did. Sweet. The moment I felt so, I heard the spoon drop on the floor. Being kissed by him, I realized that a kiss is to get things started.
He pulled his lips from mine and said, “Go home now.”
I obeyed. I didn’t mind going. Because things had already begun. I calmed down. I thought about his lips. They were drawn to mine like magnets. I wondered if he wanted another spoonful of sugar. The idea made me laugh. The next time he started talking about the Taika Reform, I didn’t know what to do. I could hardly stifle my laughter.
“What did you talk about with Hitomi today?” Sunsuke asked, urging me into the bedroom. I followed him with a cigarette in one hand and an unfinished bottle of wine in the other.
“Nothing really. She was recounting the sorrows of a thirty-three-old single woman’s life.”
“You’re no different, are you?”
“Well, she doesn’t see it that way, because I have a lawyer boyfriend,” I said and gave a very sarcastic smile.
“I find her hard to deal with. Do you remember when we went out together for a meal, you left the table for a while? She repeated how much she envied you and dared to ask me to introduce some lawyer to her. If I have some doctor friends, she wouldn’t mind them, either, she said. I just don’t understand.”
“Well, perhaps she’s aroused by the letters L and R in ‘lawyer.’”
Our eyes met, and we burst into laughter.
“I don’t find that type of woman sexy. There are so many of them out there who choose men according to their professions, but they don’t arouse me. My Law.”
“Perhaps, they make good wives. A lot of men like that kind of woman, too.”
“I don’t. Because I’ve got to know the type of women who are like you, Yumiko. It’s addictive.”
“If we break up, you’ll look for someone like me?”
Shunsuke fell down on his back in the bed with both his hands on his heart.
“Don’t say such a thing. But maybe I will. And then I’ll end up finding no such woman and give up on my life. That’d be really sad. Yumiko, don’t leave me, please.”
“I won’t. You’re so sweet. Your value lies in the fact that you’re rare: a sexy lawyer who's wild in bed.”
“Am I really? I guess so… I can never wait to go to bed.”
I sit down beside Shunsuke, who is lying down on the bed, and caress his hair over wine. I won’t leave you, and you won’t leave me. If we ever break up, it will be when one of us has completely used the other up. When either of us feels the other has taken everything we had to give. We have a long way to go before such a feeling might come around. And I’ve learned how to control this as an adult. I want to be his magnet always.
What was it that thirteen-year-old me wished to have? To make adults forget what they’ve learned. Or to turn a grown man into a child. Many people would consider a thirteen-year-old a child. Then is a thirty-five really grown-up? It’s easy to cast off your age. Like a coat you throw off when you can’t bear the heat of your body. I’ll pick it up and put it on. And wait impatiently for myself to grow into it.
It didn’t take much time before word spread that I was Yamamoto’s favorite. I found it amusing when I felt a jealous girl’s eyes on me. His favorite? Much more than that. You’d die if you knew what he did to me in the resource room.
Yamamoto would sit me on the desk in the room. The first time he unbuttoned my white uniform shirt, his fingers trembled. Day by day, more buttons came undone. Button by button, he let out a deep sigh. He sat down on the chair and buried his face in my knees.
“Yumiko, tell me to stop and this will all come to an end.”
That kiss had started everything, I thought. But I was wrong. A kiss somewhere beside the lips was the real beginning. I didn’t resist. Because it was him, not anybody else. I didn’t realize that I was stepping into a sexual world. It came as a surprise to know how a man touched my body. It was unthinkable that he was committing a crime. Because there was no pain in any part of my body.
Once he held me up and sat me on a world map that was open on the desk. I felt the cool paper through my underwear.
“Am I sitting on Spain?”
He laughed at my words.
“Farther north. Around France.”
“So I’m coming of age in France? Just like Picasso.”
He took my shirt off and laid me down.
“With you, Mister, I can be a world traveler even on paper.”
It wasn’t that I knew how to play the coquette. I was simply using what was effective. I don’t think I was exceptional for my age. Any woman knows more or less how to sweetly peck away at a man. I didn’t think I was too young to be there. Female animals attract male ones within a few years of birth. Insects can do it within several days. I was somewhat closer to them than others. The more we deviate from human behavior, the more people like to call it crime. For which we’ve created something concrete called punishment. However, have crime and punishment ever been of equal weight? A child with no judgment, people would have called me. However, I was able to judge which man to let through. I let him kiss me. I let him embrace me. I let him take my shirt off and lay me down on a world map. His eyes looked as if he were conducting a science experiment. His lips drew circles like those in math sets. His sighs and deep breaths taught me how our bodies worked. The grammar of sweet words. Sentences required no subject. Even without it, it was clear who was praising whom. The hours allotted for our private lessons left no time to fill. He would murmur “Why,” “how come we . . . ?” I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was that people repeatedly ask themselves their own question after, but not before they commit a crime.
Shunsuke held my hand, which was caressing his hair, and took it to his lips. Why do we place our lips on things we like?
“It’s nice to feel aroused and at peace at the same time. You make me feel that way. No ploys or games to play. I like women who never lie about what they want.”
“Aroused and at peace? Sounds like a kid playing with his toys.”
I kissed him on the back. I could feel the smell of my own body. Adorable. He is like a little boy with his shirt hanging out.
“Shall we do it again?” he said.
“Yes. You have no right to say no.”
I burst out laughing. I liked the feeling of having my right taken away by a man I love. The moment I feel I have surrendered to one human being, I have an orgasm. When I handed him a spare key, I felt the satisfaction of giving something up.
After-school hours spent with Yamamoto came to an end after a year. I stopped going to the resource room. It was just that simple. When we passed each other, he looked at me with longing. Every time I felt repulsion welling up deep inside and wondered why. I had felt so attracted to him. He didn’t force me into anything. He knew that if he took me to the room, then this time I would scream. I started going out with a boy, one of the classmates I had thought little of until then. It was fun. A kiss made it special the same way as it had with him. Then, I locked the resource room of my own accord.
“I won’t be able to get away from the world with you, Yumiko,” he says and pushes me down again. I recall having heard the same words a long time ago. I try to retrieve the memories, but then I seal them up. Whenever a cold sheet absorbs the heat of my body and becomes warm, the world still suddenly becomes mine.
© Amy Yamada. By arrangement with the author. Translation © Yuri Komuro. All rights reserved.