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from the December 2013 issue

The Life You Save May Be Your Own

Canada Dry Spoonerisms

1. A Sicilian caterwauls, except in Apulia.

2. The archaeologist’s wife does love a serious excavation.

3. How adroit you are with your crocuses!

4. The seafarer takes a pruning knife to caulk his dinghy.

5. Can someone repair my till? fretted the Druze bag boy.

6. The faithful communicant’s hand lingered on Saint Crispin’s alms-box.

7. Smirking, the abbess palpates the prelate’s brow.

8. The baroness’s ape dips his biscuit in the jenny’s milk.

9. Give my fatback a rub, said the pork butcher’s wife; it’s good and salty.

10. On Barbizon ridge the mare bolted, and the buggy careened down the slope.

11. Say what? Well, the postal worker knocks.

12. Sentries! Fork over the warrant for the trumpet sergeant major.

13. Let’s gaze closer at this tamer of fleas.

14. Downright lamentable weather!

15. The pope chuckled over little Gina’s vagaries.

16. In your absence, said the cashier, I’d have finer luck selling my pudding pies.

17. Here’s a fine tart for the duchess, said the baker to the Finnish seminarian.

18. The crevasse has spread nearly as far as the stud farm.

19. I love the fleet, yet I rarely go to the docks.

20. Present that salute again, my flaxen-haired Canuck.

21. It ain’t worth mounting a fuss over Nob Hill.

22. She uttered it a second time, textually.

23. Just a minor peck, Miss Josephine?

24. Be sure to clamp the door tight, you little scamp.

25. The furrier worried his ermine-lined muff.

26. The pilgrims are fomenting quite the ruckus.

27. The Rathskellers are teeming with boils.

28. Feel my digit, pretty shepherdess of Tarn.

29. Tiny counsel botches Mrs. Aline’s case.

30. Yippee, I’ve got a Swiss franc!

31. Show us your plumbing, Sir Rector.

32. Strewth! howled the king upon lifting Moby’s cone.

33. Brine this shrimp again! There’s a cold front coming in.

34. Chuck me my socks, he said to the lush from the boulevard.

35. The Mexican theologian sighed, peeling another dry plantain.

36. Too many Israelis exacerbate the crowding west of the Golan Heights.

37. I’m told the bok choy here is stunning.

38. Crossing by bus is sure to be poky and full of bumps.

39. Bangkok or Phuket—which land to gladden with your presence?

40. Duty calls before pleasure.

"Un coup de fil peur sauver une vie" first published in Veuillez trouver ci-inclus (Bibliothèque Oulipienne, 1990). By arrangement with the publisher. Translation © 2013 by Dara Keck. All rights reserved.

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